Chapter 23

Jasper took me out to a field in the middle of the woods and we'll be training here. My sick humor bubbled up,

"What a beautiful place to murder someone." I let out a laugh. I couldn't help acknowledge that I should be afraid in this situation. There is absolutely no logical reason, aside from knowing his character so well, that I should be so at ease alone with this vampire.

"It is, we had a large battle here awhile back...you can still see spots where the grass is recovering from the fire. Or well, maybe you can't but it is clear as day to me. This is where we fought a newborn army and were we last confronted the Volturi. This place has seen quite a bit of death but it is actually one of my favorite places."

"I hadn't known this place had such a history... why is it your favorite?" I ask but truthfully thinking on the battles I've been told about that the Cullen's have faced gives this place new light, new dimensions of intrigue.

"I taught my family to fight here, in preparation. It is a place full of death but it is also a place for unity, my family and the wolf pack, we all worked together. I was part of them and we were all a unit, we fought for each other and that type of...trust or loyalty perhaps has always been thought highly of by me. It's a place my family has come to fight for each other, to keep each other safe. When I was first turned, there was no one who cared about your survival, no one who would put their eternity on the line for you. They were large in numbers...but there was no family among us. Everyone was a potential enemy and we fought to the death multiple times a day but the loser, the person who would die, was never mourned by anyone. My family here never wants to fight, they never chose to take a life they don't have too. However, they fought here, risked their lives here, because we had something worth protecting, because losing would be unbearable."

"I see, it outlined the best parts of them, and of you. It is like a landmark for you. You've come a long way and found something worth fighting for in them. And they fight for you...that is very powerful, passionate...and beautiful." I say this but a twig of regret twists my stomach. I remember thinking those who fought, who struggled, who spoke up for others or themselves were stupid and ultimately too good or weak to survive but now I like the notion of banding together, of fighting for the rights of us all, of being willing to die for something beautiful and worthy. The girls I watched die were all worthy of life yet none of us fought...and I even thought the idea of unity was stupid. In there, we were all alone, isolated no matter how close we were to each other. There was always this helplessness that no matter what you did, you would die alone and that you were alone. Now, seeing this place and the accomplishment a family had over an army, or a governing force...I like the image of dying for something worthy, of standing in front of all the girls who died. Even knowing I couldn't win like the Cullens did, I almost wish I had died early fighting for someone else rather than giving my tears to their corpses as I live on.

"You can't live in the past Konaka. You can't blame yourself. It's okay to have survived." His voice is strong and low like he couldn't stress this enough. I didn't say anything out loud but I guess my emotions gave me away.

"They didn't deserve to die." I counter, my breath shaky.

"neither do you. There is nothing you could have done to change what happened, you come from a sick, awful place that I wish didn't exist and I wish I could take it out all on my own or with my family but I know I would need much more and there simply is nothing I can do right now but take care of you and that is all you can do now too, take care of yourself. Get stronger. Become healthier. Be the best you possible. By surviving, you have beaten them and we can take the next step, whatever that may be, towards righting this wrong or helping people like you. But right now...you have to live, you have to grow because there are people who are counting on you, because you are counting on you to get stronger in mind, body and soul."

I give a hard nod to him, his chest an inch from my nose, his scent eases me. After a deep breath I am able to refocus and clear my head. " I'm ready to start, Jasper. Please help me become whoever it is I am meant to be. I'm ready to do more than survive."

"I have mastered many martial art forms and could teach a variety of them but is there any sort of style you want to explore?"

"Do you recommend any particularly?" I shrug my shoulders and push the question back onto him. I don't know much about this stuff and feel a bit awkward in my ignorance.

"Well...I have narrowed down a few styles I think would suit your preferences... do you feel more confident with an object in your hand or do you prefer your body?" He looks at me inquiringly as if in intense focus. He studies my stature as if he were imagining me doing different styles.

"Uhm...I really don't know but I mean having something seems a lot..safer or more comforting." I try to answer but I really am out of my element.

"We'll explore both then." He says decidedly, his smile returns and eases the tension within me. " Aikido is a martial arts form that works with grappling and weaponry, I can see you doing well with a bo staff. Taekwondo is another martial art form meaning 'foot- fist-art' it uses your body as the weapon and I think it would help center you and get you more comfortable with your bodies capabilities and limits. There are other forms too...Kung-fu could utilize your speed, fencing could assist in creating strategy and amplify your balance...it's truly up to you Konaka. I can't decide for you, I want you to feel comfortable and confident in every step you take towards your self defense progress or journey."

"Uhm...Aikido sounds great to start with but I would like to learn the basics of Taekwondo as well...at least to start."

He smiles at me as I bite my lip in thought, "We can do that. Stay here just a moment." He says this and disappears out of sight. I let out a sigh, It's been a long time since I've been really alone anywhere. Being out here alone without looking over my shoulder or being afraid feels like an accomplishment itself. If I can stand here, completely vulnerable and unafraid, than I can learn to defend myself and I can learn to sleep unafraid or shake Emmett hand sometime because he still intimidates me a lot but I can learn to be confident in myself.

Not even a minute passes before Jasper returns, two hand made bo- staffs in hand and a cold bottle of water are trapped within his strong arms.

...

The water came in handy, I drink as we take a small break. I have been both learning about Aikido while also practicing getting comfortable with the staff and moving without hitting myself- which has occurred often. He has yet to even used his staff yet. He has been adjusting me, watching me strike and move, fixing my stances. Over the past hour I can admit that my comfort level has gone up and I kind of feel really badass moving around with the staff and not hitting myself.

"Am I actually going to get to, I don't know, fight you?" I want to spar, to do something more now.

"Are you sure? I don't want to frighten you. Of course, I won't hurt you and you are capable for a little sparring but I just don't want to push you to far."

"I can do this, yes, and I trust you." Those words hang in the air for a moment. I haven't trusted anyone in a long time and I do trust him not to hurt, I trust him to help me get stronger and to help me help myself. I believe him when he says this is going to be hard but if he says I can do it than I trust him.