Chapter 26

(sorry this is late, I lost my log in info XD)

Jasper and I spent the following day a part. Neither of us initiated a conversation or stood within 10 feet of each other. There wasn't any anger that I could tell, simply the knowledge that what happened did happen. He was disgusted with me and I cried over how right it is to be disgusted. I continue to feel ashamed and he is unreadable, it's like he refuses to even look at me. After two days of Jasper avoiding me and me not being able to apologize or to even find the words to try to bypass my embarrassment, I asked Bella to take me to the only other place I know I was safe- the reservation.

Bella, Edward, Renessmee and I get along quite well as I've become quite close to Bella and Nessie. Edward and I are pleasant with each other, he has a sarcastic humor I enjoy and provides good conversation. I'm never quite able to drop my guard however due to his gift. Jake said that vampires used to be banned from entering their land, Bella complicated things when she got pregnant and the pack broke into two. After everything settled and the packs decided, mutually, to stay separate and to also amend the treaty so that the Cullens were welcome on their land. Its amazing how hundreds of years of history, or resentment, could be changed by the impact and relationships of one person. Though I suppose it only took one person to draw the line in the first place,but still, quite the level of change in such a short time.

When we arrive, Nessie jumps out of the car and makes a run for Jake, he's imprinted on her. This is the only beautiful imprint I've seen, these packs all cherish their mates. In the trade, imprinting did occur sometimes between cellmates, sometimes between master and slave. Either wove a cruel tale, if two slaves were bonded together, they would be used to torture the other/punish the other. If they were master and slave, well the abuse didn't stop, the slave simply would never be sold to another man and their punishments are often less severe as the master believes he loves her and is treating her well. The worst thing, is the imprinted slave would still love him no matter what he's done to her and often boast of how well he treats her, any and all thought of freedom no longer appeals to them. It's not love, but it is a bond, something dark and ancient and up to now had always been negative. Sam and Emily are wonderful together also, but Emily' scar is a good example of what I've always seen, granted he actually feels remorseful, it was an accident, there is no abuse there.But nonetheless, scars like the one on her face are commonplace punishments.

It just widens the gap between this world and the one I know. In my world, vampires and wolves were not enemies but business partners, at least within the trade. Here they were enemies for a long time, I'm not sure either side even knows why. In my world, love is simply another term for mercy but here it is a heightened form of care, not something easily shaken or shattered, not something that is an award but rather a way of existing, of being. Edward and Bella have this, they sort of remind me of my parents together. The wolves love always felt forced to me, not only because of what I've seen of imprinting, but also that there isn't a choice. You love them no matter what they do or say, you love their toxic traits, and you can never walk away from it, but seeing it here in Sam and Emily, I know it's not a cage for them but rather a gift. It's like the wolves North Star, it leads them to their perfect partner. Everything is just so different here. meeting Emily was the first time I felt my world had any ground here but that turned out to be false given the love they share, genuine and in-explainable love. I did however learn that her scar is not considered small, and that, had any of them aside from Carlisle, seen what I consider to be small scars, they would likely consider them quite large, possibly ugly too. Aside from Emily, Jasper and I are the only ones scared in any way, the others are beautiful and clear-skinned.

Edward and Bella were the first relationship that made me realize love is not a cage of submission here, the wolves helped me understand the beauty in imprinting, but Bella and Edward sort of gives me hope for myself one day, to be loved so completely. Though, truth be told I'm not sure I know what love is. I may just fall into an abusive relationship one day and spend the whole time convincing myself its love, never knowing real love because I couldn't identify abuse from love. Edward and Bella never seem to even wonder about that. They both parent their daughter,and neither is more submissive or dominate than the other, they look each other in the eye, they both speak their minds- they even fight. Their fighting is the strangest thing of all to me, everything else, all their love I can chalk up to being a deeper understanding of something outside of my grasp. But I know fighting, I know yelling and cursing and I know what making someone else hurt is and yet even that is strange here. Edward and Bella mainly argue alone and over tiny things, they are hardly even things, sometimes they are differing ideologies. They argue about who loves who more, about their souls, sometimes about parenting technique. They never call each other names, they never attack each other or stray from the problem, they don't physically hurt each other or themselves...they basically just talk back to each other which in itself is an odd sight to me.

They always resolve it they way my parents did, hushed tones and hugs and a love that seems so far away from me. I've seen them argue from time to time, seen the build up at least. It's nothing like I expect. Even their fighting is full of respect and love. Nothing at all makes sense here. It reminds me of a book my mother used to read me when I sat my her bedside, I remember it well, Alice in Wonderland. I suppose this new world, their kind and loving and odd world, is my wonderland. Everything is what it isn't and isn't what it is. Every time I think I understand something, think I've learned or know something all my life, I find It is completely turned up side down here, yet I prefer this wonderland to any of the things I thought to know. I think back to the other night with Jasper, how I wanted him so terribly, and then, in seeing the couples here and Edward and Bella, I can't help not wonder if they hurt them. Is it possible that sex is somehow different here too?

"Nes!" Jake exclaims as he hugs her, she noticeably grows quickly. She slowed a bit when she looked like a 12 year old for a bit but recently started growing at her normal rate again. I heard Carlisle say it was likely due to the start of puberty and that once her body adjusted to the change she would start growing as a women rather than a girl. I remember thinking, as I pretended to sleep, that he has settled a life long confusion to me. Rather I was a girl or a women, I've been called both so I didn't even know what to call myself. Regardless she's growing now, she's nearly full grown actually. She's incredibly intelligent and beautiful. We talk sometimes when she isn't here, she has actually begun splitting her time between the reservation and their home. Bella has come a long way with accepting their love, it was hard on her, knowing that Renesmee really only had three years of life experience. However, They grow at an astounding rates both physically and mentally, she is, in every way, an adult now. She lacks worldly experience but that is gained in time, which she has plenty of. It is the same concept of the vampire, or rather a reversed version, Edward has more life experience under his belt than she dies but despite this Bella was still an adult and still mentally ready for their relationship, she matched him mentally and physically, despite their gap in actual years of existence. It's not like Jake is dating a child, he and Nes never had a romantic relationship as of yet (though I'm sure it will bloom soon) as Jake never loved her in an inappropriate way. I've learned this by studying their imprints and discussing them with Jasper some time ago. Imprinting is not just romantic love, it is simply love in the way you know to love. When Nes was a baby Jacob loved her the way you may love a sister, without any romantic or sexual backing, And then when she was a bit bigger his love transformed into that of a best friend. Imprint love seems to encompass many forms of love that change as the need is present. Now Nes is growing into a women who seeks romantic love and so Jacob will also start to feel a romantic type of love. Bella began to understand when Jasper explained Jakes emotions towards Nes as they changed.

I can't help but keep rounding my thoughts back to Jasper, what happened and rather it even happened the way I think it did. I try to replay it in my mind, I can't seem to remember it properly but I don't know, I'm so confused and frankly I feel lonely knowing he isn't here and that a few days ago I felt like I was beginning to find my place within this world, he was helping me understand things I couldn't and find my ground in martial arts and then he also confused me in those sexual or romantic ways but I wasn't like this...a bystander, an observer just watching people grow. It's not that I am not growing on my own, I am, but it was...fuller with him.