Life Review

Tension and anticipation rocked me on the edge of the bed, fingers running through my short brown hair, massaging the back of my neck when he arrived.

“You seemed troubled, William.” John stood in front of me.

“There's this pressure I can't shake. I don't think I’m think I'm the Resurrectionist person you think I am.”

“You’re doubting again, William.”

“I'm still not sure my purpose in all this.”

“The Resurrectionist's are a group of united souls dedicated to honoring the tradition of the, Harrowing of Hell.”

“Sounds delightful, John, but I'm guessing that's not a festival of fun with a ticker tape parade at the end.”

“After his death, the Son of God descended into the dead … hell. The Son ministered to the lost and forgotten, showing them the path to redemption, God's love filling the soul through prayer and the work of the Holy Spirit. Resurrectionist's are dedicated to upholding that tradition. You're one of us.” John's voice was powerful. His presence forced me to stand up and shake off the self-doubt, like I could really hide it from a being who sees everything.

John Zebedee visited often, counseling much like he did in his office at school, back when I knew him as Dr. Z. He taught me that true spiritual energy is the love of God, a connection through the Holy Spirit, God's grace reaching out to man's soul. We prayed for healing. The first thing John taught me was how to cry. Seems simple enough, but in truth boys learn early on not to cry, crying is unacceptable. It’s a teaching of the false prophet who hides in the subtlest of places. To cry is a gift from God, to snuff it out is error. When I was alive I was dead, numb to emotion, avoiding life and all its arduous feelings.

"We have a problem." John said.

"You don't say."

"The dark armies know about Project Gateway. Their leaders have corrupted and twisted Corbin's mind. He's under their control. Your friend, he's still alive, for now." John said.

"Justin, I wouldn't exactly call him a friend." I said.

"William, you must go back, again. Warn him of the danger before it's too late, before he's no longer part of the physical world."

"I tried already. It didn't work. I'm not strong enough. I'm not like you, John. I’m not an apostle."

"You are strong enough. You must believe, William. Let go of your fear. Let go of your doubt. Leave it with God. You must." John didn't waiver.

"I can't just let it go. It's not that easy. It's complicated."

"True courage is taking action with fear, not without. You have to be ok with that. You have to allow yourself to feel everything, every emotion. Don't hide from them, feel. I have something to show you." John said.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Please, look inside." John held the palms of his hands open while I peered into them.

"Justin ... is he?"

"He will be if we don't act soon."

I saw Justin chained, a group of what appeared to be twelve dark figures circled him, forcing him against his will into something terrible. Part of me liked it, took pleasure seeing Justin caught the web of his deeds.

"I can see your thoughts." John said.

"I know. I can't help it. Like I said, I'm not like you."

"This is a powerful awakening for you, William. It takes great spiritual strength to love your enemies. It takes a titan's strength to resurrect one." John said.

"I get it John. I understand the message of forgiveness, but I don't feel it. It's too soon for me. I can't let it go that easy."

"You're right. It is too soon for you, but there isn't a lot of time. His future isn't written in stone, William. It can be altered. Justin can stop Corbin. He still has a chance at redemption. Justin needs your help and your guidance. Project Gateway must be destroyed."

"That's the best thing I've heard all day." My voice rose. "I've regretted becoming entangled with Gateway ever since I first saw it."

"Project Gateway itself isn't bad, but it has fallen into the wrong hands. Justin and Corbin are the only living souls who know of its existence. Corbin won't stop until he frees Sunny Miller. He's closer than you think."

“I wouldn't worry too much about Sunny Miller, John. Last time I saw him he was nothing but a puddle on the floor thanks to the demented demon he was serving.”

“Our sources tell me Sunny has grown powerful, that he’s formed an unholy alliance with something worse.” John said.

“What sources?”

“We have eyes and ears in the hells. They’ve been tracking Sunny’s movements. He’s no longer bound by the demon who tormented him, and you for that matter.” Fear ripped through me at hearing John’s words and the memories of unrelenting pursuit by Sunny's former master.

“What's his motive? What's Sunny after?”

“Uncertain.” John shook his head. “It hasn't been revealed to us.”

"You think Justin can stop Corbin?" I asked, desperately wanting to distract my mind from the horrid memories.

"With your help, William. Justin sees the error of his ways. If he confesses, goes to the police, Corbin will be stopped."

"Wishful thinking. Justin's not going to willingly turn himself over to the police. I know him. There's no way." I said.

"The pain in his soul burns strong. The guilt of his mistakes is creating an unrelenting pressure. He's close to breaking, something has to give. If you help Justin, he will see that confession is the first step to healing. Justin is a minor, he still has a chance. In time he can be free from the weight of his sin. With help he can change." John was right. Helping Justin might give us the edge to stop Corbin, but doubt loomed over like a bad omen.

"There's a bigger picture at work. You can't always see it. You must believe, William. You must exercise faith." John said.

"You always say that. I mean no disrespect, but I'm tired of the so-called bigger picture. How do you know there isn't just an endless road that leads to nowhere? You said yourself that you continue to grow and evolve, and you've been at it for over two thousand years. It's just so hard to accept sometimes." I buried my face into my hands. I felt like crying but nothing came.

"It is hard."

"What?"

"Faith … it's hard." John said, his words surprised me. Everything seemed so effortless for him. "Angels are not ominous, we cannot foresee the future. We only have the voice within to guide us, the voice of God."

"Yeah. What does your voice say? What does God tell you?" My words were harsh but I knew John understood they were born from frustration. John paused and took a step towards me, looking me in the eye.

"I wasn't much older than you are now when the Son of God first showed his face. My brother and I were skeptical. How could anyone in their right mind not be? He came from nothing, humble means, he didn't appear to be the great and powerful king that was prophesied."

"Why did you follow?"

"Faith, the voice within was strong. I knew I had to follow, I just knew." John said.

"Did he really expect you to drop everything, your entire life?"

"No, not at all. My father had a prominent fishing business at the time. As a family we were quite successful."

"Must have been hard for him to lose two sons from the family business." I said.

"Actually, my father encouraged James and I to follow. Deep down he wanted something deeper for us. That's what his inner voice told him."

"Um, again, no disrespect, but your brother was murdered and you endured your fair share of torture and torment. You can't tell me your dad wanted that for his boys."

"An unfortunate side effect of following a rebel. There was no animosity. You must remember, William. The people of my time lived in absolute fear of God until the Son came along and shattered that perception. A loving God did not exist in the minds of men before the Son revealed the truth." John had a way of making me forget who he was. He seemed like a trusted friend, a father figure, in reality he was a powerful cosmic being. It blew my mind every time I paused to wonder.

"There's nothing I can do to help you. You're a saint. The disciple whom Jesus loved. Far greater than me." I said.

"Where I'm from, the Kingdom of God, they just call me John." He paused, allowing his words to sink into my doubting mind. "You can help me. In more ways than you know. There's a reason for everything and every stage of life. I told you before and I will remind you again. Do not underestimate yourself. There are things you can do that I cannot."

"Hell."

"Yes."

"I hate that word and everything it stands for.”

“Rightfully so.” John said, pacing around my small room.

“I have to go back don't I, alone? I don't have a choice."

"You always have a choice. Free will is the law of the universe."

"You've been to hell. You and James found me there, remember?"

"We can exist in hell for a short period of time, but we cannot help the truly lost because we cannot create a connection with them. We are on such far ends of the spiritual continuum. We are literally polar opposites repelling one another."

"You need me to go back because hell is a realm too dark and heavy for an enlightened being such as yourself." I reflected John's words.

"You're right William. Hell proposes a problem. I have to dial down my energy to such a degree that I am rendered almost powerless. That is why I could only guide you to the outskirts of the forsaken city. It's why James had to stay hidden in the sewers. Our spiritual energy would demolish the inhabitants of the city if we were to enter."

"Why not? Why not just destroy the whole damn thing!" I said.

"Because, destruction is not God's will. God is a being of love, a being of forgiveness. If he wanted to destroy the city he would do it himself. He permits the city to exist.”

"Why? Seems a little reckless to me."

John smiled. "Every created being in God's universe serves a purpose, even if those beings have fallen far off the spiritual path. It's God's will that all his children return to him in paradise, even the ones who've lost their way.”

"What if they don't want to go? What if they want to stay where they are, torturing poor souls and living in ultimate sin."

"You're right, William. God will never force any of his creatures to come to him against their will. Instead, he simply leaves the door open for their return. Someday, he might close it. We do not know for certain. God has never fully revealed his plans. In my heart I suspect one day he will close the gates of heaven but only time will tell and only after all of his children have refused his gift of paradise. That's why I have been praying so hard."

"You've been praying for God to shut the gate?"

"No, I've been praying for him to keep it open ... long enough for my spiritual brother to return. I've been praying for him to come home and claim his spot at the Lord's table."

"Judas."

"You're the key, William. The answer to my prayers. It's always been you."

John's words chilled me. I knew he wouldn't speak them unless they conveyed some sense of truth, they were haunting. The pressure of those words shook my foundation.

"When?"

"When the time is right and your affairs are in order. William, come with me. There's one more thing."

John lead me out of my room and through the marble walkways of the enlightened city. The city was busy, just as city's on earth are. The difference, there were no strangers here. Everyone was a trusted friend, and you never had to lock your door.

I was brought to a large room, much like the IMAX Theater my parents took me to for birthdays as a kid when they could afford it. During bad years when dad was between jobs I'd just get a trip to Reynold's Ice Cream parlor. I really didn't mind. I think it hurt my parents though, not being able to give me the world.

Three large figures stood in front a giant panoramic monitor that stretched over fifty feet wide. "William, all men are held accountable for their time on earth and how they used the precious gifts given from on high. Tell me, what have you done with the time you were given?"

As the question was asked my entire life flashed on the screen. I read once of a man who had been pinned under his car after it slipped off the jack. The man claimed to see beings made of light as he watched his life play out before him. A doctor later discredited his claim, saying that the injured man's brain had been deprived of oxygen and the beings he claimed to see where nothing more than a team of doctors standing over him and the bright lights of the operating room shining down. I guess the doctor will be in for a surprise when it's his turn.

A three dimensional play unfolded on the monitor, myself cast as the lead actor. Not just the highlights, everything. The good, the bad, and the mundane. Every thought, every action, every desire. I intuitively knew how my thoughts and actions affected those around me. I lowered my head, unable to look at the three beings of light standing before me.

"Look closer. You're avoiding." One of them said.

An invisible force compelled my chin up and my eyes to see. An air of sadness hovered over Allison as I watched her look at a picture of me when she was sixteen. Her thoughts were as visible to me as words on a page. I know you're hurting, Will. I just don't know how to help you. You won't let me in.

Samantha, daughter of the fortune teller Marla Williams was there, at least the image of her. Atrocious darkness loomed over her. Thoughts of dying and escape fought to get inside. They were held back by an energy, a force Samantha felt intensely but couldn't see. I shivered when I saw it. The force was inside me, emanating from my heart.

"How can this be?" I asked the three beings standing in front of me.

"Your kindness, William, kept the dark thoughts out."

"I never even tried to help her. It was just small talk, a small kindness is all."

"Small acts of kindness contain the full power and glory of heaven. Small acts of kindness save souls. That is what you did for the young woman."

A warmth came over me but only for a moment before darkness fell. I couldn't turn from it. It was laid bare for all to see. I watched Reverend Channing brush his teeth and wash his face, the night the devil entered his home. Thunderous clouds rolled in as a skinny, bony, creature of evil slithered up the old staircase. The creature I'd become after letting the darkness into my soul.

I wanted to hide, bury my face, when I watched his body fall from the second floor. Like trauma tightening it's unforgiving grip, the imagine froze it's permanent home in my mind.

I watched as I negotiated that deal with the hell demon, like peasants squabbling and haggling over the price of cabbage. I sealed the Reverend's fate like a coward, thinking I was saving myself, but in truth damning my soul. The monitor went blank. A sharp pain then great warmth filled my chest. I lifted my face to the three beings, tears falling like a baby.

"Come with me, William." John walked me home. He didn't say a word. He knew I wasn't ready to talk.