Depression

Warning:

Chapter alludes to self-harm/suicide

Not being able to sleep when you're tired is probably one of the worst physical sensations. You're eyes hurt and your brain is a fog but the second you lay down and close your eyes you can't seem to settle for one reason or another. Tonight it's the worry. I really thought Dabi would have been here by now, he hasn't called or texted and since I'm sure he isn't alone I haven't taken the chance to try to reach him. Natsuo sleeps soundly on the floor not a care in the world. I offered him the bed, but he insisted the floor was fine. In a way sharing a room with him but not the bed is also keeping me awake, it feels so foreign but it's not that big of a concern. In the grand scheme of things being Dabi's means more to me than sharing the bed with my best friend, he's still my best friend, the only thing that's changed with us is the amount of physical connection and I get enough of that from Dabi that I don't really think about it, except now mad with concern wishing I could hear from him. Last night was bad enough I stayed up till nearly 1 in the morning hoping to hear from him now here we are on night three of still no Dabi. If you can even call 3:36 night. Maybe I should have taken some of that Zquill as Natsuo suggested, but if I take it now I'll never make it to class later.

Natsuo looks at me concerned when he notices I'm still sitting up on the bed as the alarm goes off to get ready for class. "Did you even sleep a little?" I nod at him "Here and there, never for more than maybe forty minutes though." When I find his arms closed around me and head on my shoulder I actually pull away from him, that's odd, I've never not accepted his affection when one of us is struggling, just what the fuck is wrong with me. His face seems to be thinking the same thing. "I don't know Natchan, I don't know. It's like everything hurts, not so much physically somewhere else, someplace I can't touch. It's there constantly nagging me. Food, sleep, school, hell even the feel of this blanket on me. I don't even want to breathe, my lungs feeling like they are working overtime to keep up the effort. What the hell is wrong with me." The tears fall and each one feel like little drops of fire that weigh a ton each. Natsuo looks at me helplessly the tears on his face watching me suffer I can't keep pretending I don't feel this way anymore it was so exhausting.

When Natsuo picks up his phone I try to snatch it from him, "Don't I told you I just know he's with someone he needs to not know about me." He shakes his head at me face full of furious resolve. "I don't fucking care, at this rate you'll die." I feel my heart pounding as he makes the call, the volume is so loud I can hear it ringing my heart breaking even more when the voicemail pops up. He tries again with the same result before putting his phone away. "I think maybe you should skip classes today Y/NC." I shake my head trying to get my crying under control. "No, I can't do that. I can't take this silence anymore I need the distraction, to be around people. I- I've been thinking things I shouldn't I can't stay here alone I don't trust myself." I can see the pain rising in his face as he comes to understand what I mean, he does a better job of fighting back the tears than I've been able to muster. "Ok then I'll stay with you and we can watch TV." I shake my head getting off the bed looking for clothes determined. "No I can't I need to get out of this fucking room. All I can think about is the times he and I spent together here and how I need him to be ok and just unable to get here for some reason." He nods a thought occurring to him. "Pack up some stuff we'll stay at the frat house until he's back, we'll come get it after class." That's a good plan, I grab extra clothes and throw them into a bag.

Natsuos POV

Watching her like this is every bit as painful as when I was first told I'd lost my brother in a fucking fire. If this room reminds her of him then we'll stay in mine. "Pack up some stuff we'll stay at the frat house until he's back, we'll come get it after class." Her eyes consider for a moment, she said before she wanted to be here when he arrived, but she must realize now that's not a good idea watching her pack up extra clothes eases my heart. I don't know what to do other than stay by her side, if she's really thinking what she implied I can never leave her alone. She's struggled with those kinds of thoughts and feeling before, but never this bad never so much she was actually afraid. Usually she just mentions that she had a thought, tells me what it was, I hug her and it's better. But this, the look in her eyes. I've never seen it before even with the loss of Kyomi. I swear it's like she's loved him since before they ever met, when I finally opened up to her about what happened with Touya and showed her his picture her whole face changed, the way she always looked at the fucking picture. They are soul mates I just know it, I never believed in it until them. I keep telling myself he's ok, but it's not like him to keep her waiting like this, he would never.

I try to hide my phone from the professor and prying eyes when I feel it vibrate, if it's him this could go a long way to help Y/N. I don't know the number, but I decide to check the message anyway.

"Know you're in class, I'm finally satisfied I'm not being watched or followed and heading towards your campus, any big ideas on what to do until I can sneak into the dorm?" That's what kept him? Paranoia. I'd better be careful too, the Yakuza are no joking matter.

"Prove you're who I think you are."

"Baby?"

"Prove it"

"Hold" I quickly scribble a few notes to look like I'm paying attention. Y/N has passed out at her desk, I'm happy for it, she needs the sleep. When the phone vibrates again there's a picture of an annoyed ragged looking Dabi holding onto a piece of paper with surprisingly neat writing that reads 'Good baby, be cautious.' Then today's date.

"It's Natsuo, I'm not sure she's in the right mind to be cautious. Fuck you for taking so long and never answering your phone"

"Had to ditch my phone and didn't trust this new one for baby until I knew it was safe. I did all this to protect her. Don't act like it hasn't been killing me, I haven't slept at all and I've barely ate or drank anything. She at least had you to take care of her and you damn well better have done so."

"It's been hard, she won't even let me comfort her says it hurts and today she said she was afraid of doing something stupid."

"Fuck, tell me you have eyes on her."

"Duh, I'm not a complete idiot. I already talked to Ryoko yesterday she offered the key to the family cabin we were at over the summer, I'll gather Y/NC and meet you there soon as possible. We'll skip the rest of today and all tomorrow."

"I don't really want her skipping because of me, it can wait." I take a quick snap of her, she woke up silently crying again. I look at it after I hit send, you can tell her hair hasn't been brushed in days and that she's wiping tears away.

"I can be there in 40 minutes, how long do you need?"

"She's packed, but I'm not so probably an hour."

"See you in an hour. Tell her I'm sorry and I love her."

"Fuck that, tell her yourself when you see her." It's what they both need. It's not up to me to tell her he's ok. I'll just tell her I saw her pass out and we're getting away for a few days. When she sees him again and he sees the full effects of all this he'll be more proactive in the future for it to never happen again.