Complicated

As soon as I was out the restaurant my posture crumbled. Pressured from the truth I couldn't do anything but cry. Anyway I waited until I reached my room and Radha left looking at me worriedly. The tear works started. He is my brother. I mentioned one of my brothers and this is not the way I visualized it. Complicated. Very complicated. A second it took to crash my life again. Never in my life have I assumed of all this difficult things to crash into my things. First my past. It is very difficult to even think about it. Then the accident which took my only family away. My mama. But advik has given me hope . Hope to live for him. Hope to search my family. Even though I am scared I searched for my family. Advik doesn't want to show it but I know he needs a family. A family that gives him everything. He deserves that. I searched for my family at least for him. But now I could not understand what I did wrong to deserve this.

Self pity.

It is very harmful and strong word. I promised myself that I would never pity myself. I hate it but o couldn't control it now. At least my family is safe. I should be happy. Happy for them. Pray for them to be safe. Meeting my brother and not telling about my existence is the worst thing to feel. Knowing that they are my family while they think I am stranger. Act like I am a stranger in front of them. A sob broke through me. I don't want to experience this. How could I live smiling happily in front of the world when my heart is broken. A broken, abused, disabled person. I tried very hard to forget about all of this. I did really try.

I came to terms that I am going to spend my entire life in a wheel chair. I accepted the fact even when the world pitied me. Society sympathised with me. And bullies looked at me with disgust. I accepted that too and smiled at them. Because if I take them seriously I would kill myself and I couldn't live in my own but I couldn't do that to advik. He needs a mother. A protector. A best friend. And I will be his mother and his protector and his best friend. I don't know who is the woman that gave him birth. But if I do see her I don't know whether to thanks her or pity her. Angry. I was very angry at her. Even now. I hate her. But she gave this bundle of joy. A God's gift and I will be forever thankful for it. But I pity her for losing. Advik is self conscious because of her and I wouldn't forgive her for that if I do meet her. I will do anything to keep MY SON happy. I love him. They say that more than any love or any bond a mother's with the child is a wonderful bond. And I absolutely believe because believe when I say this if advik is in pain I will be automatically be in pain. A mother and her child bond. Unbreakable bond. At starting ours is very complicated. But he understands everything.

How can he love me? I am disabled. I couldn't even let him sit on my lap. I couldn't play with him. I couldn't help him in his shower and brushing like normal mother's do when their child is just a almost six year old. He needs a family who loves him to death. I couldn't even give him that. I am not a good mother. I don't deserve him but I am very selfish to let him go. To let my light go.

Very complicated.

Tears ran down my face and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I deserve pain. Maybe that's why all the things happen like this. Advik should be happy. He should be. And if I cry he wouldn't be happy. I miss my child. He would say "Mama if you cry I will also cry. And I know you don't like seeing me crying. So stop crying mama. Please" he will say and then he would kiss my cheek and look at with his puppy dog eyes and I will melt. All my sadness will be washed. The heart felt genuine smile will be blossomed on to my face. And he will smile with me. I miss him so so much.

They say that after passing many storms and rains there will be a rainbow. Waiting is important. But my patience is reducing now. I will be happy if I have advik along with me in my life. I should not cry. I will not cry. I rubbed my tears away not wanting to cry. For him. It is very difficult but I will pass it. Putting a smile on my face which was very forceful I opened my phone to see me and my son in my arms. He was in arms. He was smiling very much that day. That is the first day he walked and I will never forget that day. That photo is discreetly taken by Radha but anyway I love that. It brought a real, genuine smile on my face. I won't give up. I will try still.

Because giving up is never any option. Failure. I failed now. Because I thought of giving up. I wallowed myself in self pity. The things I promised myself I would never do again and I will not. I failed but I will try again. I smiled. I still widened my smile and I will try again. For my son and my family. I will meet my all brothers. At least I know they are here. I will meet them. I will meet my papa. Even though they think I am a stranger I will live with them acting like a stranger if I have. Because they are my family and I would never give up.