Stagnation

Epsilon made me see things I didn't want to see.

I saw my mother. A weak and fragile woman. Someone that was weak and had to always depend on me for anything. She was weak because I was strong. But humans aren't that strong. I had almost absolutely no power. Because she relied on me, I had no one that I could rely on.

I became a distrustful, hateful person. I became a being that is unable to love. Every time I did something wrong she would scream and cry. Her expectations became too high for me to reach. She always wanted me to love her unconditionally, but I couldn't do that. She took that away from me. How can I care about you when every time we talk all we do is fight?

I feel stuck. Stuck in this time-lapse where all I wait to do is for either her to die or me to die. I want to leave her forever, disappear without a trace into a fantasy. Books have always been an escape for me to go through. I especially enjoyed those where life was easy, where the protagonist was born with incredible powers, were conflict was solved easily.

And she has the best timing ever. Every time I was heartbroken, scared, or just sad, she would attack me. She cries every time, claiming she was a bad mother to make me feel bad. How many times have I fallen into that same trap?

How can you cut the most toxic person in your life if she is your mom?

I have struggled all my life with this issue, and I still don't have an answer. Is it an escape if I just wait until she dies? I have tried everything. I have tried accepting who she is, but she just made the most out of the situation.

I tried leaving her life, but she always comes back. I want to forget everything about her, but because of my dad, because of who I am, I simply can't.

Epsilon keeps reminding me. Reminding me who she is, the irreparable damage she has caused in my life. I can't love anybody without remorse. I feel like every woman I met is similar to her, and I just want to run away.

I want to cry.

Ana is all that I have, and she is just a part of my imagination. She was created for my brain to be able to cope with the different emotions that are raging inside me.

Dumb.

I want to be a really dumb kid. They are the luckiest ones in this world. Their parents do not expect anything from them. They can live happily too, no need for existential crisis or dread.

They can just be themselves and do the things that they enjoy without being forced to deal with things that make them unhappy. They don't need to doubt themselves. They do not overthink or over-feel.

Sadness starts encasing me in a soft embrace, but nobody is saving me from it.

If you are like me, you are probably waiting for someone to save you. Someone to tell you that you can be saved, but that is something that we were taught in the novels that we read.

In reality, nobody is going to save us.

Maybe this whole passage is just a cry for help, instead of the transition from the basic world to Epsilon.

Thousands of arguments. I lost sight of my dreams a long time ago. There was nothing I wanted anymore. Why would I pursue a dream if suffering was all that was going on in my life? The army came at the perfect moment.

I was free, with only the threat of constant death looming in my shadow.

But that was only what I thought. Epsilon was not going to let me be free. It refused to let me go.

Suddenly I was in a chair. Only the vast sky was near me. At my feet, a vast ocean. There was nothing but clouds and their reflection for thousand and thousands of miles.

I was the only one there. Chained to this chair. A free world was everywhere near me, but I was stuck in this chair, chained up by no one but myself.

I want someone to be my rock.

I'm tired of having to fight in this world to survive.

Happiness is an ending fable told to forget that the natural state of the world is misery.

Humans are suffering creatures, made to be mocked and ridicules by the Gods in this realm.

Ana appears and breaks my chains. She is the one that saves me, and I can finally leave Epsilon's transitory state.

"Epsilon does that to everybody. It shows us what we least want to see, and if we are unable to escape, we are forever going to stay in there." Ana said.

I couldn't have left Epsilon if it wasn't for Ana.

Do you have someone like Ana?