Chapter 1: Until We Crashed

" Be with me always--

Take any form--

Drive me mad!

Only do not leave me in this abyss, Where I cannot find you."

Carefully placeing the bookmark on the page, I unravel how every time I go through the familiar words, the anticipation and excitement is never distorted. It's like reliving your most favourite moment, without realising it's on repeat. Books are the only kind of magic that exist for me. It funny, almost ironic, how even now I find myself believing in magic and miracles.

I let out a small sigh of frustration for Catherine and Heathcliff before glancing at my phone screen. It's always so hard to keep track of time when it comes to books. My pajamas are slightly wet despite the small mattress I placed on the grass. I rush inside the house once I've piled up the mattress in my lap and smoothed my wet behind. I was supposed to read for just an hour. Now it's almost time for dinner and I still have a presentation to complete. I quickly start dicing up some chicken for the sandwiches I decide to make. And just when I was getting the grilled sandwiches out, the door knob jangles.

"You missed the show!" Bella exclaims while stumbling on her own shoes towards the kitchen. Courtney follows right after but she took off her heels and placed them just where I would want them to be.

"I don't agree with her much but it really was fun tonight. You could have gone with us," Courtney adds.

I wonder till this day how we ended up living together. They're both otherworldly extroverts and I'm always good hiding behind my books. We're like puzzle pieces so completely different but somehow we complete a meaningful picture together.

"Was it more fun than completing your presentations that are due tomorrow?" I innocently remind them. It doesn't really come as a surprise when their faces grow genuinely shocked even though I spoke of it multiple times before they jumped off to their usual party.

"Shit! Why didn't you tell us before?" Bella exclaims and I just roll my eyes at her instead of reminding her that I did. She is tiny but in the cutest way possible. Her full lips painted in dark maroon lipstick and deeply highlighted cheekbones, overpower that small flaw. I always wonder how she manages to get those piles of make-up out of her face. But then, she barely does.

"Dinner's ready," I announce with a motherly strictness, "And I am not waiting for you guys to get out of those baggels, I have studies to do!"

"How ironic!" Now Bella rolls her eyes at me and engages in the disgusting show of pulling out her tremendously fancy fake eyelashes. But I still find myself admiring her art of make-up every now and then. It amazingly brings out even her plain brown eyes. Courtney, however, has a deep green pair of eyes, a beautiful contrast to her russet colored skin. And she comparatively likes to keep it that way.

I watch them both hungrily dash in their sandwiches. Courtney gulps half of mine after finishing hers. "Didn't you guys eat anything other than those red cups?" I ask them while eating my half of the sandwich. "Nothing more heavenly than your domestic sandwiches." Courtney says with her mouth full of chicken and sauce. "But you missed a greatttt drama today, honestly," Bella shakes her head, dramatically pulling out the Ts in 'great'.

"What happened?" I ask warily. I probably already know. It's always the usual drama, someone strip danced or puked on their crush. Just different person, each time. "Ethan kissed another girl!" Bella spills and I almost choke on my water. I can't even imagine that, let alone guess it. Ethan is enlisted in my little group of people I love dearly. He and his beautiful girlfriend Susan are head over heels for each other.

"What?" I ask, hoping to find some twisted 'Bella joke' in the news. I don't think Ethan would ever do that to Susan.

"C'mon Bella, stop exaggerating it. It was just a dare El," Courtney explains. It's still disappointing that Ethan would do something like that, even if it's in some stupid drunken dare game.

"But he still kissed her, infront of Susan!" Bella confirms crime, although I am pretty sure she had cheered him enough to complete the dare. However, from her emphasis I can sense some story behind the "her" Ethan kissed. But before I could ask her anything about it she kept blabbering on. "Susan wanted to come over here tonight."

"But they got over it like always and happily went to sleep in their own bed ," Courtney finally tells the whole version of the story, shaking her head in disapproval of Bella's extreme editing skills.

"I was just giving it the little necessary stretch before the happy ending,"Bella shruggs. And I groan at my Tom and Jerry. They never do the dishes if there's a party, even if it's their day on the calendar. So I finish all the cleaning and finally head upstairs when its 9:30. In our tiny home with two bedrooms and one community bathroom, Courtney and I share the bigger room by the east side of the small second floor. Bella often has her boyfriend staying over, so she got the other room all to herself without any arguments from Courtney unlike every other matter.

I sit on my study table adjacent to my single bed. The little space to the eastern side of the room is covered by two overfilled cupboards and a dressing mirror. The walls are a faded shade of purple, frequently covered with framed pictures and candid polaroids hanging on fairy lights, we bought last Christmas. Mom still argues with me to shift to a classy apartment that she would help me pay. But it's not just because I don't want her to pay for me that I vehemently refuse. It's because I simply love living in this tiny house with a square yard with my girls and meeting up with the boys and Susan everyday at college. These people can make me forget about everything in the moment. And that's just too much to ask from my life.

It's late when I'm done with my assignments and editing Courtney and Bella's.

.........

I wake up from the odd sound of my alarm. I usually wake up before my alarm goes off but last night was exhaustingly long.

The worst part is, even on the tiring late nights like yesterday, the nightmares are never on leave. Besides, I had to take the pills later than usual last night so they probably took longer to kick in. I can feel the dark circles under my eyes more vibrantly today. It is never completely gone from the regular lack of sleep.

Sleep is something I never anticipate! It usually makes me feel more tired than relaxed. But I detest it mostly because it makes me witness the one thing I want to escape more than anything.

"Wake up Courtney," I shake her before getting up. She moans in return. Courtney looks really beautiful when asleep what with all the makeups withdrawn from her face and her natural glow exposed. Sometimes when I wake up too early, I pause for a second o admire her curvy lips and big lashes innocently drawn in sleep. She has a beautiful figure with perfect height and cute short hair to match. But more importantly, she's the most understanding. She knows that I hide something from them but she never asks. She waits for the day I'll tell her myself. I don't know if that's a day that exists but I'm still eternally grateful for her patience.

I get out of the bed and head for the bathroom. One of the perks of being the first to rise is that I can get the bathroom all to myself and as long as I don't wake them up. Besides, after my encounter with sleep I always need a little time to shake off the memories and gain back composure. I stare at myself in the spotted, rectangular mirror. The morning gloss on my skin will soon wear out, the blush however is somewhat stable. I brush my teeth and straighten the frizzes in my long, dark hair before getting out and starting my mission to wake up the girls. They finally do when I'm done with making breakfast, setting them on the tiny table and getting dressed for the day. I wore a black camisole top and jeans, my very usual outfit. Courtney wears a levis shirt and tight shorts. Bella is in her ripped top and tightass jeans. They both freak out about my casual clothing. But I always find it much better and comfortable than the straps of fabric they attach to themselves. Why put on something you can't manage anyway? I apply a plain eye-liner and mascara over my lashes; a habit I have gained from living with more makeup than people. But I kind of also like how it brings out my hazy blue eyes.

As always, despite my constant fus, we get out five minutes late. It's a twenty minutes drive to CSU campus but you should never trust the traffic too much in LA. We usually take my car to the campus as it is the only time we have a purpose to run it.

The wind is beautifully warm today! We always roll down the windows while driving on highways and practically scream to have a normal conversation. Although it is a very peculiar and polluting action, I don't mind it. It feels good to talk so loud while the wind is crushing on our face. It's like equalizing the external pressure of wind with our voices and that's somehow oddly comforting. As we park in the lot, I relax to see that we have reached in a very casual time. I don't particularly like being late.

Bella and Courtney are waiting by the sidewalk when I walk upto them after parking the car. We usually meet up with the rest of our group at the cafeteria, five minutes from here. It's odd when we reach there to find Susan standing alone with none of the boys in sight. Bella couldn't even manage a normal walk to get there. She almost ran off to Susan to quench her curiosity. With Bella around, I don't have to worry about missing anything. She would do that for everyone. And she doesn't miss even the most uninteresting of facts. All I have to do is listen close.

"Where are the guys?" She asks Susan as soon as she is in hearing range. Susan looks wary and non-chalant when she answers by just pointing her eyes towards something behind us. When we turn towards the direction she is pointing, we see a similar wide grin stretched across Mark, Robert and Ethan's face. They are walking towards us now with a beautiful blond girl in their middle. Her ivory skin is the first thing that catches my eyes. It's glossy and smooth even from this distance. She's wearing a super tight ripped jeans which is mostly ripped than jeans. And an off-shoulder yellow top. Her beautiful blond hair is tied up in a high pony tail. Her face canvassed in natural make-up. It's definitely not the face you see everyday. It's literally model like, suitable on the cover page of a fashion magazine. I realise the grave look on Susan's face now. I can tell that the boys are blessed to have her walking with them, not that they aren't good looking themselves. All the three boys are extremely handsome. Robert is dark, with dark bronze skin and beautiful features. Ethan is charming. And mark is..well, Mark! However, today they look ordinary when the comparison is with this girl. The four of us stare at them as they slowly approach us. It's almost like those slow motion walks in the movies, where the girl emerges out of the water in the sunny beach and walks upto the camera in a torturously slow and graceful walk. Only the boys are making it more realistic with their very human charms.

"Hey folks! Look who we found. And guess what? She's an English major too," Robert chirps. I am confused by his words, I was expecting an introduction as to who she was. But there's a recognition in everyone's face when I look around, even Bella and Courtney. Only I'm missing the obvious.

Mark realises my confusion and explains, "She's Miley. We met her at the party yesterday. She's the new sophomore so we are helping her out with the company." He moves to walk by my side now. Bella temporarily moves to my side and whispers, "She's the girl Ethan kissed." Well that explains the look on Susan's face! I notice Miley's expression for the first time. It's hard to notice anything overpassing her beauty. The whole campus spares a gasping glance at us but she seems negligent of all the attention. It's obvious she usually gets much more than this. She kind of looks a little irritated.

"So, who's this?" She asks as her eagle eyes land on me.

"Her name's Eileen," Mark replies in his usual gleeful tone, but he looks slightly displeased.

"She's our friend," Mark feels the necessity to add that and puts his hand on the small of my back. It's a really uncomfortable gesture for me and Mark knows that better than anyone. I walk a little faster to avoid the contact. He realises and drops his hands quickly. He gives me an apologetic shrug like it was just a reflex.

"Why wasn't she at the party then?" Miley asks again. This time even Susan and Courtney glances at her, irritated by her rude gesture of not talking to me directly. And Bella, well, she was already glaring at her. "I am not really into too many parties," I answer with a smile.

"Huh!" She replies with a weird look as she eyes me from head to toe and then dismissively looks away.Her attitude makes it hard to believe that she's a junior and new here.

"We all had homeworks for today. Unlike us, Eileen can sacrifice a party or two for her perfect 'A's ," Courtney volunteers, being the sweet girl that she is. We smile at each other. Miley doesn't say anything after that.

She sits with us at lunch as well. It's a little uncomfortable in the beginning, but soon the familiar people around me drowns in animated conversations. As usual, I mostly just participate when necessity demands. Sometimes, Bella would pause to glare at Miley once and then turn towards the girls to make a comment. Some of it made me giggle too. "She looks disappointed that she couldn't give the girls a boner too!" She said. I am surprised even Susan made a few curt comments today. But I guess I can't blame her. Ethan would occasionally look at Susan like he's going to have a hard night. Miley just seems frustrated by the fact that she can't participate.

Soon, I tune out the noisy crowd and concentrate on siping my soda, the slightly sweet and gaseous spicy taste of it on my tongue. I always avoid socialengagements. I back out when it looks like I am involving myself too much. It's against my few rules. So instead, I start making a mental list of the things I would need to buy from the supermarket today.

After classes, I'm walking to my car alone with two extra bags like most days. Bella's off with her tattooed boyfriend somewhere. Susan and Courtney has some plans. They always do! But on days like today they have to exclude me as I have certain other important things to do, like shopping groceries that the girls never realise when they are emptied and refilled. And visiting the library.

I lean in to dump Courtney and Bella's bags in the back seat and jump to see a figure standing beside me. Mark is half leaning by the car.

"Hey Mark," I beam at him. It's always a relief to have him around.

"Where to?" He asks. "Shopping."

"I can carry the bags." He declares and gets in the driver's seat without waiting for my permission.

Although Mark is the only person who is anywhere close to my secrets, it's still very unbearable the way he hopes that someday I would give up avoiding the whole thing and just talk about it. It's a pointless hope but he doesn't understand that. There's always a part of the day where he tries. Always! And it hurts to remind him everytime that it is fruitless.

"So! When did you sleep last night?" He asks, his eyes are on the road and lips stretched into a grin. But I don't miss the hard line in his eyes. I know where he's headed.

"After I completed checking all of your assignments," I shrug innocently and glance out the window.

"Did you still take the pills last night? I mean you must have been up late and really tired. Surely you could have slept without them, right?" I unwillingly break my stare and turn to look at him, his wide black eyes are looking at me tenderly, his handsome face unsure and pained.

His eyes are a really odd contrast to his pale skin. Its coal black and oddly soothing. His featured face is filled with pity for me. I sigh and close my eyes before speaking, "Mark! You know I can't help it. The pills are not my necessities that I can abandon, they are my compulsion. I don't take them, I need them." There's a long pause after that. I turn my head to stare out the window again and concentrate on the tiny green details to divert my mind. He whispers "I know," after so long that I almost forgot he was supposed to say anything. I don't turn back around and just watch the tall pine trees pass by our car and the insignificant passerbys. It's almost unfair how drastically unimportant the passerbys are to every story. No one realises that they have an equally interesting story to tell. I guess it evens up when you are equally insignificant in their stories. But it still feels amazing to think that thousands of tragedies and secrets and love is exploding on the same road but I am peacefully oblivious. If only the stories had gravity!

Mark turns the music up and rolls down the windows, a sign that the tragic conversation is over. He sweetly hums in rhythm with the song, his ash blond hair dancing in sync while the sun plays a dazzling show on his sparkly tan skin. That's the best part about Mark; he knows exactly when to stop. It has always been the easiest to be around him. With him, I can pause the pretentiousness for a while. For a while I can afford to live with the broken side on show. I couldn't mentally make the shopping list in the car as I was supposed to , so now I have to circle the entire shop, eyeing every item on display, to remind myself what I need. Mark gave up his chivalry after a few minutes.

"You can just come back when you remember what you need," he says, irritated by my recalling technics.

"No, I can't. I will have something else to do at that time." I will probably be reading a book or cleaning the bathroom.

"You are literally a control freak! You know what? I'll be at cosmetics section. Find me when you're done." I raise a questioning eyebrow.

"What?" he says, "I need a cologne."

"That explains the smell," I tease him.

"You know you love my smell baby." He grins and I roll my eyes. After a few more minutes, almost everything I need is stuffed in my cart. I am walking through the last row with my now heavy cart, carefully observing the items on the shelf. I realise just after passing the ketchups that I need them. Bella monstrously eats ketchup, with literally everything! I leave my cart and turn around to get a ketchup, when I crash hard into a wide masculine chest. What hits me way before the physical friction is the smell. An uniquely tempting smell from no perfume I have ever smelled. So beautifully enough to mesmerize anyone. I reflexively inhale the smell and immediately realise how sheepish that might look. I lift my head slowly to encounter the most beautiful man I have seen in my life. Who knew that this very man will be the most beautiful and tragic thing that has ever happened to me as well.