Hideout

Once inside the car, I turn up the volume of the music playing in the car and roll down the windows. Pressing my foot on the accelerator, I take a longer route home. I focus on the wild breeze crushing upon my face, the feeling of cold freshness is piercing.

I slow down and come to a stop beside the forest on the highway and get out. Following a familiar thin path through the forest, I enter one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I have been to.

We discovered this small river side that flows through the forest two years ago while randomly exploring the woods. A thin trail of crystal clear water divides the forest gradually becoming wide on its way to public appearance. And a miniature knee length bridge is made over the water that can also be used as a little bench with running water underneath. I have wondered so many times who built it and appreciated the work in my heart.

The six of us have always kept this place a secret. We come here every now and then with a lot of ice creams and have our little secret party, the only kind I've ever been excited about.

The place is a completely different site at night with the stars and glow worms, the musical sound of crisp, flowing water and the lanterns we've added over time.

When the small space comes in full view, I find Ethan sitting on the brigde, his legs trailing the water below while swinging in the air. I remove my shoes and go sit by him.

"Hey!" He greets with a dull enthusiasm.

"What are you doing here Ethan?"

"Same reason as you," he says, watching the thin trail of water beneath us.

"Hiding from reality? Why weren't you at college today?"

"Because I couldn't face Susan."

"What? Why?"

"I kissed her Eileen! In front of Susan! Trust me I didn't know what I was thinking and I was drunk but that's just an excuse. The truth is I have hurt her. That look on Susan's face. I saw doubt in her eyes for the first time El. And that kills me. Maybe I don't deserve her." I find it pleasing that he knows her so well. He could read her face and tell what she was thinking. It reminds me of Aeson's face and how I loved studying it in what little time I got. I quickly bring back my attention to the real problem in hand, the one withthe possibilities.

"You are right! You did hurt her by making her feel less beautiful and unimportant. And you never should have done that, no matter what! But do you know how she feels about it? She wanted to look good today at college for you, so she could remind you that you love her. But instead of apologizing and making her remember that you do love her, you are sitting here, making it a lot more worse."

His face gradually transits from surprised to happy and grateful. "She did that?" He sounds genuinely surprised.

"Yes! She loves you much more than you give her credit for. You two should be together right now, at your home, sorting things out like everytime."

He is already on his feat before I've finished my little lecture.

"I thought she hates me after what I did! Eileen I gotta go. Would you come? It's getting dark," he jumps restlessly from side to side, waiting for my dismissal. "

Don't worry about me Romeo, I think I'll stay for a while," I tell him and he embraces me in a swift hug before I could refuse. I watch him rush off in shock. The physical gesture was supposed to make me hell uncomfortable. But it didn't! How's that even possible? Do people like me ever heal? And what changed anyway?

It's 6 pm when I finally regain my sense of time and reality. That too driven by a feeling of not being alone which is quite unusual since I often come here at night, sit down by the water and let my mind relax.

Nothing is going right this week. All the efforts and concentrations I have been putting on keeping my shit together is cracking. My blanket of numbness and not caring about this world is tearing, making all those vulnerable memories come back to life.

This place is so filled with noises. Sounds of rolling water, crickets on trees, wind whooshing the leaves, all these sounds somehow amazingly calm the chaos in my head. I can never really concentrate on any particular thought in my cracked up head here and that's why I love this place.

My own head can't eat me up in here. The nature momentarily derails me from whatever trouble I have. But not today though.

Today, this beautiful place is filled with words, so many words that it's almost suffocating. After a few failed efforts I allow my mind to be free, knowing it's not a good idea.

I think about things that I usually avoid and gradually forget to think about altogether. I think about mom, how talking to her will bring things to my reminder that I don't want to be reminded of.

I think of Emma, Mark's mom and how she never stops wishing that Mark and I were together.

I think of Ethan and Susan and how they have probably already sorted their little issue. I think abour Bella and her boyfriend Leo, whom I don't like for some reason. Maybe it's just the tattoos or the way he looks at everyone.

I think about sweet Courtney, the only one who understands my need for privacy.

About Miley, how she is gorgeously beautiful and rich, I might add and consequently rude.

I'm reminded of Mark, my safe-zone, the only person who knows my secret and still promises to be with me and support me through everything.

I dread thinking about Aeson but the truth is, he's the only person I want to think about right now. How just the name runs shiver downs my spine. How beautiful his face looks in every expression it makes. I think about his voice, how dominant yet satin smooth it sounds, how suddenly it was all gone and replaced by a childlike, pleading tone.

I picture his leanly built body, his slight pink lips and those intense gray eyes with a touch of hazel.

I think about how these are not mine to think about. I think about how I can never dream of being happy or being loved or simply being touched.

I remind myself of something that I have recently attempted to forget, that I'm Chiraptophobic, that I can't medically bear to be touched the way I wanted Aeson to touch me. It's something effective since that cold winter night, more than four years from now. The fear of hands!

I remind myself very distinctly that this ends any possibility of me being normal. Any possibility of finding someone, falling in love, having a family, raising children.

It's hard to repeat to myself facts that I already know. But it's even harder when you realise that despite how clearly you know the truth, a part of you always forgets and hopes to be free.

Hope. It's what causes the damage in the first place. The source of all pain, no matter how trifle or gigantic.

So, I supress the trifle pain of reminding myself that I can never think about Aeson again and finally get up from the lowly bridge.

There are matches and chinese lanterns piled up under the huge Mahogany tree beside the water but I don't light them when I come here alone. It's the kind of fancy idea that you need company to enjoy. The glow worms are bright enough for now. The colorful flowers in the small bushes is a varying shade of black and gray in the darkness.

But today for some reason I switch on the flashlight in my phone and look around anxiously.

That's the worst part about fear. As long as you are not reminded of them, you are good. But once you are, suddenly holding on for a second more becomes impossible, suddenly all the moments you have spent without fear terrifies you.

I quickly get out of the small place and walk back through the forest. I see the road lights after a while of hast steps but relax only when I'm out of the forest completely. I have no idea what this feeling was about.

I quickly start my car and soon I'm nothing different than the many cars on the busy streets, rushing home at the end of the day, to the people waiting for them at home.