XXXIV

It was strange how, in such a short time, everything had changed. She had gone from not knowing him, to seeing him once a week, to having him around for days and feeling his presence almost a necessary habit. And now he was gone, but maybe he hadn't been with her for days, at least not like before, when he was willing to leave everything for her, to change his life. Why then had he changed instead?

He always joked that he would kill anyone who stood in their way, even if it was a dragon.

She wanted back the magic, the waiting, she wanted back stolen glances and hidden smiles of those days spent hoping that the dark would come, which was no longer scary, but protected them, defended them and hid them, she wanted back his eyes lit up with joy when she let herself go from the palace labels, the happiness in discovering inside some poem whispered in her ear between the sheets.

When he said sweetly to her, "we are the most beautiful poem ever written that no one will read, no one but God and he will envy us because he can't understand it."

She needed that magic of love, it almost seemed like a spell, a spell that had chained two hearts, but she couldn't delude herself it lasted forever, she knew his dreams, she saw how much reality saddened him.

He wanted that fire that burned in her when she felt alive by his side.

It could only be a miracle, one that could never happen again, even if he still wanted it to.

She looked up at the dark sky and found herself thinking that no matter what ever happened, it would never end. He would be there forever, even if she missed him, Adrien.

The pitch of the night seemed to her, for a moment, the vast expanse of pain she felt inside...then it was back to the sky.

She wondered if she would be more afraid or more willing to see him one last time, even if it was on the scaffold,

if that day she would have had a pale and sure face or if someone, noticing her desperation, would have laughed at her seeing her looking for Luka's arms to come to her senses, hoping to find him smiling and sure, hoping she would know that it is not the end of sky, that the world does not end, hoping she could make Luka's certainties her own, the prince's truths her own.

She was distracted by horses and a few men intimating commands. She lowered her head and saw her love walking toward the carriage that would take him to the Bastille.

<< Adrien...>> She whispered, leaning out more from the terrace.

As if by magic, the young man raised his head, as if he had been called and, while he was on the step to enter the carriage, he looked at the girl.

The exchange of glances didn't last long, but it served to give him confidence and to remind her that their love would never end, like the sky.

And then yes, she would have had a pale, confident face, no one would have laughed at her because she already had someone, even if she still had to wait for him, even if she was alone in the midst of life passing by, but she only needed him to be herself and she would wait to find him.

She didn't need anything, she had him, she had always had him and she would have him forever, heaven knew. He who filled her soul with an immense love and who, if they both really believed in it, would never end.

Her desires were there, among the stars, now she had pushed them away from her body, like her thoughts. It hurts to keep them attached to her heart and not accept their existence.

The carriage left the walls and she could only contemplate the empty spaces growing inside her, where they used to be.

Emptiness like open skies that would never close again. She needed him to live them and fill them, even if it took a lifetime.

Their problem was that they had not been able to live without fear or shame, they had filled the other's emptinesses but always with the knowledge that another destiny awaited them. They had the world against them, the appearances and the sense of duty. They could not listen only to the beats of their own hearts.

So they had become a work of art, a painting kept hidden inside the white walls of the soul, kept only to be contemplated, without being able to live it or look at it too closely. Yet it was something more, something she had never had and that filled her while emptying her of every desire and inclination, it had opened in her expanses of fantasies only to leave them there to rot, it had given her expectations in days of joy now blurred by time.

He had chosen her. So why had he put her aside in such a short time? Had he been afraid to experience her? Had he been ashamed of his feeling?

<< Antoinette, you need to rest.>>

He turned upon hearing that soft voice.

<< How can I? Do you know what will happen to him now? >> She threw herself into her arms, bursting into tears. Bernadette pulled her into a warm embrace to comfort her as much as she could.

<< I don't...>> She couldn't finish her sentence of comfort because the princess cried even more loudly.

<< They will torture him, Bernadette, until he has confessed all his crimes and until they have discovered all his accomplices.>> She sank her face even more into the fabric of her friend's dress.

<< Adrien is a tough guy, he's strong.>> She tried to reassure her.

<< That's exactly the problem. How much will he have to suffer before he gives in or dies?>>

Bernadette didn't think it was possible, but her friend increased the intensity and power of her crying. She didn't know what to say to make her feel better, she couldn't lie to her or reassure her about a situation that would end badly for the boy she loved anyway.

All her life she had felt time slipping from her hands, day after day she kept chasing the desires of a life made of freedom, invaded by thoughts about how it was a life without rules and with bitter times.

In those days, instead, she had really lived those desires and she would always remember them as if those carefree moments had only been a dream. And maybe, as a dream within a dream, she wouldn't have to look for him anymore.

After all, she told himself, it was not so important, only the strong nostalgia of different eyes, of uncommon looks, that she could not find among people, would remain.

<< It was all my fault, I listened to the spring, to the scents of that clearing and to the nights with an unforgettable moon.>> She let go of her grip on the lady's bust and turned to lean again on the marble balcony.

She remembered the desire to feel closer, more and more, until it was too late to forget and then pretend nothing happened.

<< I didn't know what was important anymore. I didn't know whether to trust him or not. I didn't know anything anymore and yet I kept on safe in my uncertainty.>>

<< You can't blame yourself, Antonì.>> She put her hand gently on her shoulder.

<< I've had his face imprinted in my mind since that first morning at the market, I've thought of him all the time and I know I will always think of him, there will be nothing to erase the memory of him, of his melancholy eyes, of his dreamy look and when I think of my present I miss the air, I wish he was here.>> She turned again towards the young woman who was looking at her with compassionate eyes. The teary eyes lit up with a new light, maybe it was just newfound willpower.

<< It's too important, Bernadette, I need him. I must save him.>>

Inside her, she felt herself being swept away like a river.

She didn't know how but she would save him.