Hating Myself Even More.

I was constantly fidgeting in bed because I couldn't sleep. But I moved carefully because he might be asleep. I don't know if why I thought of putting him aside, I know I can't.

Can't really sleep. I got up from lying down slowly and then I peeked to see if he was really asleep. But I was shocked when he opened his eyes and then looked at me, so I immediately avoided him and went back to my usual place.

"Why are staring ?. Is that how you  like me too much to be not able to sleep without staring at my face before going to sleep? "

I stumbled upon what he said. The head is shameless, the thickness of the face. Why did he think I liked him ?. Suddenly my heart beat faster because of what he said.

"The thickness of your face. Don't assume, I'm just not used to being next to you."

I said and then he turned away and lay down again. I was surprised to feel that he also lay down and hugged me from behind. my heart was beating so fast again, and I was afraid he might hear or feel it. So I immediately removed his hug from me and slowly moved away from him.

I prepared myself before facing him. when I confronted him, I caught him with his eyes closed but he also woke up immediately and then smiled sparingly at me.

"Why are you doing this ?."

I asked but he did not answer it. I got no answer from him, he was just staring at me.

"Maybe now you've thought about what I want to happen"

Nothing has changed in his appearance and expression. It was just looking at me with my forehead furrowed.

"I don't agree with your divorce Khiella"

I got up and looked at him

"Ezriel you don't know what can happen to you because you're tied to me. If you don't want to be miserable, be willing to divorce me"

I told him. He also got up and stared at me. I could see in his eyes that he wouldn't really agree to what I wanted.

"No matter what you say, still my answer is no"

"You don't understand Ezriel"

"You also don't understand why Khiella"

"then make me understand"

"Same Khiella, why don't you tell me your reason to make it clear"

I was taken aback because of our same questions and answers that we're throwing to each other.

"What now?"

He asked then crossed his arms while looking at me waiting for the answer.

"I'm waiting, don't worry I won't judge you I will just listen"

Ezriel said and then stared at me straight in the eyes, it makes me uncomfortable so turned to the other side just to avoid his eyes.

Why is he doing this to me?.

I really couldn't understand him, no matter how I tried to read him, but I'm always end up with nothing.

" Let's sleep now Khiella. Goodnight, go rest now"

He said then lay down in bed. I stared at him in his back that is facing me. I sigh and did the same.

I still could not sleep, until dawn caught up with me. It's two in the morning but my eyes are still awake. I can't help but remember what happened to Ezriel and me which made me even more uncomfortable being next to him. It was three o'clock when I realized that I had fallen asleep, and I woke up alone in bed. And immediately stood up because of the clock that was just next to the bed on the table. I couldn't attend my whole morning class. I reached ten o'clock at noon.

Shocks.

I woke up immediately from the bed which caused a sudden headache as if I suddenly lost consciousness and changed my vision due to the sudden rise from the bed. I stopped for a moment and then continued to get up and leave the bed, then went straight downstairs to the kitchen.

I found no one in the whole house but me alone. That's why I slumped my shoulder and went to the refrigerator and then got some cooked food. But then because I'm not good and don't really know how to cook very well. I only took eggs and then took cap noodles and then boiled the two eggs and put a hot water on the cap noodles.

I waited a few minutes for the cap noodles and also a few minutes for the stewed egg before I started eating it. While peeling the egg and putting it in the cap noodles I looked at the clock and it was actually noon. I need to speed up my diet so that I can be ready for school. So even though it was still very hot, I immediately consumed it. My tongue is almost got burned because it's still really hot, But it will be taken care of later.

I hastened to take a shower and groom myself then quickly went down. I was surprised when I found Fernand sitting on the sofa in the living room.

"Fernand, what are you doing here?"

I asked and he turned to me then stood up after.

"To obviously pick you up"

He said then smiled at me. I just nodded and walk faster after him to went outside of the house and proceeded to his car.

"Come'on hurry up Fernand. I shouldn't be late, faster"

I said then immediately get in to his car. He quickly got in and started the engine.

"Any way. Why did you pick me up today?"

I asked and he didn't answer me immediately. It took him for a second before responding to my question.

"It should be obvious to you Khiella. Ezriel asked me to pick you up"

He said then didn't say anything. I nodded and then did not say anything too, just waited for us to finally arrive to School.

Until we finally got to the school and Fernand parked. Then I immediately went out, I could no longer thank and say goodbye to him because of my haste. A nail accidentally collided as if like me she was in a hurry. I heard the whispers of the students around, I looked at the person I had hit.

"Owh.. poor her"

"She's a new student here right?. Looks like she bump into that dirty bitch"

"She might be infected by Amitiel's lewdness and uncleanness"

"Poor her"

I stared at the person I had bumped into and then thought about where I had seen it. She looks familiar, and I'm sure she also think the same to me. we are recognizing each other when Kries Mae called me and immediately ran towards me and then dragged me away from the woman they call Amitiel by name.

I don't know where I saw her but from what I heard about her. I know the feeling of being hated by many. Maybe when the time and day comes when they find out the truth about me, they will also hate and despise me, shun me, and ridicule me. it was as if my chest tightened at the thought. But I was also stopped by the woman hated me. Kries Mae and I were stopped from continuing walking to go, to our room.

"Well Khiella I think Amitiel and you, are matching for being a bitch and loser to this school. You two are also both poor, what a pathetic and gold digger"

Ecka said then laugh like a witch. I mockingly smile at her.

"Don't talk to me like that, as if you know everything about me, because you know nothing Ecka."

I said then wink at her. I was about to passed at her but she hold my arm and grab it, that make me stopped from passing her.

"Don't act like a brave and cool bitch because you are not"

I turned to her and smirk.

"I don't do acting. Because I have no talent in acting, not like you that is has na best acting award of the year".

I said here. But I was really struck by what she said that I was just acting. Because Yes, I can be called an actor because of my acting.

"How dare you!"

" Same to you. You don't even know that I was even worst than worst and wretch than wretch. So better watch your words"

I said then turned my back and walk away from them.

I was in a heavy feeling while continuing into our classroom and then sat down. I didn't notice that I left Kries Mae there.

I think too deeply because of how I feel now. My mind travels everywhere again. I don't want to be left behind again, I don't want to be avoided again, especially by the people who have now become close to me. I can't afford to be left alone again. Maybe Yes she's right, I'm a pretender, I'm just acting. Suddenly enter or infiltrate the lives of people I can possibly get involved to my dim and miserable life. But as much as possible, I should not try to bury my past and the truth about me from the pit.

"Miss Khiella Avadell are still into my class?"

Miss Martin said so I was taken aback and immediately stood up.

"Yes miss"

I said and then slightly bow my head.

"Really?. Then answer me if what lesson are we now?"

She said. I don't know because I was so really preoccupied by those thoughts of mine a while ago.

"Pardon, I'm sorry miss"

I look up to her and she raised her one eyebrow at me and then face the board before facing me again with an irritated expression in her face.

" Asnwer me miss. Explain why Einstein is the most Genius of all. Tell what he discover and tell me all the kinds of materials that used in building a strong building for Architecture and Engeering partnership"

So this is it again. A frustrating and embarrassing moment that is happening to me again and again.

Everyone's attention were all in me. I simply rolled my eyes because irritation I was feeling right now.

"There were, in fact, unique features to Einstein's brain that may be the answer to how he was so smart. Some parts of the brain were thicker than average, which could mean he had a stronger connection between the two hemispheres. People did not take Einstein's Theory of Relativity seriously when he first published it."

I said then everyone nodded then looked at our prof.

"Einstein is also known for his discovery of the photoelectric effect, for which he won the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921. Einstein developed a theory of special and general relativity, which helped to complicate and expand upon theories that had been put forth by Isaac Newton over 200 years prior. He also discovered three things on his quantum theory of light (that light is a particle or photon);

On the existence of atoms (the Brownian movement);

On his theory of special relativity (that length and time are not fixed and depend on the observer's frame of reference);"

" Concrete is both durable and strong, making it a great option for your structure's foundations. It can handle the weight of the above structure, and it can also stand up to the moist soil that surrounds it. Concrete can also be used to construct entire structures. The difference kinds architectural materials is Timber, laminated glass, smart glass, concrete, plastic, and energy-generating materials. water, concrete is the most consumed material, with three tonnes per year used for every person in the world. Twice as much concrete is used in construction as all other building materials combined. "

All of my classmates clap their hands and my prof didn't say anything just told me to sit down. I turned to Kries Mae when she happily and proudly said I'm always surprising her being so cleaver.

But I don't even consider myself as being what they are telling me. I don't know if I'm going to take it as complement.

I saw Ecka looking at me so strange. I saw her looking at me really bad because I'm surely she's thinking right now that I'm taking her spot again.

I have never competed with anyone.

I felt Kries wrap her arm around my arms and then lean on my shoulder. And it was as if I was stuck and unable to move in my seat. My heartbeat is also too fast. I'm having so much trouble with myself, I don't want to. Is it because I'm like that?, this is one of the reasons why I no longer believe in the God they believe in.

I hate him as I hate myself.

I hate him because he is the reason why I'm hating myself for being like this.