Chapter 10

The weeks passed, and the weather grew colder. Margaret was not an easy trainer. Every morning, she had Elaine run at least five miles, and quite often more, before they began to study magic. One morning, she had plunked down a stack of books and said, "Begin with these. When you finish, there are more." 

Each tome was at least a handspan thick, and the writing inside was thin, spindly, and tiny. The covers were worn leather and the pages were soft with countless years. One was a dictionary of the ancient language Elaine had to learn to master the spells. The others contained spells, some in translation, others not. There were spells for everything, from how to fix a broken leg, to transforming lead into gold, to finding water in a desert. Some had diagrams, and tiny sketches along the side. Each book had gilded edges, and they were all beautifully illuminated. 

Elaine looked at Margaret. "Why do I have to read? Can't you just tell me?" she asked. "Why do I have to learn a new language?"

Margaret took a deep breath. She had to remind herself that Elaine was young and had all the impatience of youth. "Because, dear one, within those books is all the knowledge of the world distilled into the very essence of what you need to know. If I told you by memory, I could make a mistake or forget countless things to teach you. Besides, teaching you would take years that we don't have. We have to rescue these girls as soon as possible. The king on his throne is growing more powerful every day. Reading will be faster."

Elaine picked up a book and opened it. It smelled of old leather.

"Besides," Margaret continued. "Magic takes concentration. Reading, like running, enhances your ability to concentrate on one thing for an extended amount of time. As for the language, magic must be put through a medium. You can cast spells without speaking, without language, as I'm sure you have figured out and experienced by now."

Elaine, remembering the soldiers at the bakery, shivered and nodded.

"But magic without fetters is dangerous. It is like riding a horse without a bridle or trying to steer a ship without a rudder. You can do it, but it might quickly escape your ability to control and go where you do not want it to go. It can have unintended consequences if you do not harness it correctly. Most of the old magic is still preserved in the old language. Hence, the dictionary."

Although Elaine looked skeptical, she picked up a book and began to read. She soon lost herself in the rhythm of the language, the beauty of the words. She opened the books and fell into a world she didn't know existed.

At night, they would practice the practical part of magic, after learning the theory from the books. 

"There are a few cardinal rules of magic," said Margaret. They sat around the fireplace. Renard was off running in the woods, looking for rabbits. "One, do no harm. That is not so much a rule as it is a law. With whatever magic you perform, it must come from a place of purity of intention. You can protect yourself if you are attacked first but remember: do no harm."

Elaine nodded. It seemed simple enough. Do no harm to any living creature, unless it attacked first. 

"Second, with magic, every action has an equal reaction. Every spell you cast and every use of magic will come back to you threefold. This is also an ancient law that cannot be broken. Now, let us practice." Margaret placed a leaf before Elaine. 

Elaine let out a huff. "I've tried to lift it. I can't."

Margaret took another long, deep breath. She understood this young girl; she couldn't imagine how lonely she must be feeling, how scared, to be deep in the woods with no one but a stranger and a fox for company. She had been ripped away from her family, torn from her home. She was a lost girl and probably felt helpless. It was time to show her that she wasn't.

"Belief in yourself is the first step to practicing magic. Believe you can lift it, and you will. Think of all that you have gone through and accomplished in these woods. Renard has told me about your adventures. You can do it."

Elaine stared at the leaf. She tried to conjure up the feeling of belief, but all she could think about was her family, her warm bed, and a pair of deep green eyes. The warm sensation, the tingling was nowhere to be found. 

The leaf did not move. 

"How?" asked "How can I do magic when I can't even move a tiny leaf?" She could feel the frustration rising in her and the sadness of failure. 

"Elaine, give yourself the space to fail. Magic cannot be learned overnight. Just imagine yourself lifting the leaf. Expect it to happen and it will. Take a deep breath and try again."

Elaine took a long, slow breath. She saw herself in her mind's eye, sitting near the fire. She imagined the leaf rising gently; slowly, almost imperceptibly, she felt the warm sensation start in her stomach and rise up. She did not try to fight it, nor did she try to control it completely. She simply let it flow. When she opened her eyes, the leaf was floating. 

"Well done," said Margaret. 

*

The day after she raised the leaf, Elaine was walking in the woods. She was trying to transform herself into something other than human, but she could not quite do it yet. She wondered what she lacked. She had practiced concentrating, just like Margaret had told her to do, but still the skill eluded her. 

Then, a cockroach scurried by her feet. 

She felt the familiar fear again, and she froze for just an instant. She felt the disgust rise in her, and she wondered what good cockroaches were anyway. 

Elaine looked at her hands, then at the cockroach a few feet away. It was feeling the air with its antennae. Elaine shuddered. The world would be better off with one less cockroach in it. If she could, she would wipe the world free of them; she just didn't have enough power yet. 

But I can do something about this one, she thought. 

She raised her hands and spoke the incantation aloud. She had learned that spell just this morning from one of the immense books of Margaret's. The cockroach seized and began to shrivel. In a few moments, it was dead. 

Elaine felt a thrill of triumph. No more did she have to cower before cockroaches, afraid to touch them. She could simply kill them through magic!

Then, Elaine felt something shift inside her. All of a sudden, she began to shrink! From her forehead, antennae sprouted. 

"Aaaahhh!!" she screamed. Two extra legs sprang from her midsection. Her skin grew hard and tough and brown. She was becoming a cockroach herself. 

The forest floor zoomed up to meet her. Blades of grass and leaves that had once seemed small appeared gigantic. Granules of dirt seemed like boulders, and tiny little aphids now appeared the size of dogs. 

Why is this happening? Thought Elaine. She panicked and zoomed along the forest floor. A shadow fell over her. Primal instinct took over and she ran for cover. She took shelter underneath a leaf, the veins looking like river streams.

Suddenly, a huge claw descended over her, trying to grab her. She ran beneath another leaf, and the claw followed. An owl tried to peck her, and she zoomed beneath a rotten tree branch for cover. The owl flew away, tired of chasing its prey. 

Elaine did not get a chance to rest for long. A badger stomped its way through the forest, rooting around with its nose for tasty grubs and insects to eat. Insects, just like Elaine now was. 

Yaaaahhh! She cried silently in her mind. 

Death was coming for her. There was no way she would be able to escape this, and she had no idea why she was a cockroach or how to get out of being one. She raced away from the fallen log and into an adjoining tree stump. She stayed there until the badger went away, feeling the vibrations through the forest floor. 

At least that's something cockroaches and magic have in common, she thought with a touch of irony. They both sense vibrations in the air. 

As darkness fell, she began to become more acquainted with her cockroach-self. She began to explore the forest floor with her feelers, testing when it was safe to crawl, and when it was not. 

Soon, she met other cockroaches, ones that smelled exactly like her, according to her feelers. She went up and felt them with her antennae and they welcomed her as part of the family. The human part of her mind shuddered, but she did not know where to go, so she followed them. 

What do we do? She asked the other cockroaches. Her antennae waved and she gave off scents that translated itself into language.

What a silly question. We eat as much food as we can, replied the other cockroaches. 

Elaine looked around. All she saw was dead and decaying plants. Again, her human mind shuddered. 

You mean we have to eat that? She said to the others. 

Yes, dead plants are delicious, they said. They gnawed on the dead and rotting plants. What a strange cockroach, you are. 

Elaine tried. To her cockroach mind, the dead plants were delicious. Her human mind gagged at the thought, but she began to eat. Soon, she saw the cycle. They would eat the dead plants and in turn, the cockroaches would defecate into the soil. The rich soil, aided by the fertilization, would help the plants grow bigger, taller, and healthier than they otherwise would have been. 

Perhaps cockroaches are not so useless after all, she thought. 

It did not stop there. After walking along the forest floor for a bit, the cockroaches found dead animals and other dead insects to feed on. They made short work of the corpses before moving on to the next ones. 

I suppose that if there were no cockroaches, the amount of dead things would pile up so much that the world would be overflowing with dead and rotting things, she thought. 

It was disgusting work, but someone had to do it. 

Soon, a mouse scurried by. Usually, Elaine would fear a mouse as a human, but she feared this mouse ten times as much, for mice ate cockroaches. She zoomed away, as fast as she could. 

And I suppose, if there were no cockroaches, she thought, there would be less food for mice and rats. And if there were fewer mice and rats, there would be fewer cats, like Jasper. Maybe cockroaches are important, after all. 

It pained her to think about, but being a cockroach had made her see things in a new light. 

Suddenly, something that Margaret had told her popped into her head. 

First, do no harm.

Harm she had done.

All right! I get it! She silently screamed in her head. I should not have killed the cockroach. I promise that I won't do it again. Now can I please be human again?

She did not change. 

She concentrated and plead in her mind, but she did not change. 

Finally, she thought to what Margaret had constantly told her. 

To do magic, all you must do is want something terribly, expect to have it, then give it to yourself.

What did she want? To be human. 

No, not just human. 

Elaine. She wanted to be her own self again, in her own body. Not just any old human, but Elaine, the young girl with brown hair and brown eyes, with a slightly aquiline nose, a wide forehead and round cheeks. She wanted to be the person who loved her parents more than she knew how to express, the person who loved the smell of bread in the morning, and fishing in the evenings with Zachary. She wanted to be the human who was special, who knew magic and was learning magic. She thought about how she deeply wanted to be back in the body of the one who helped injured foxes and loved tormenting her little brother just as much as he loved tormenting her. 

Elaine. I want to be Elaine. 

She envisioned herself in her mind. She thought about exactly how tall she was, how strong her limbs were, the exact shade of her hair. But more than that, she thought about who she was. She was brave, she was kind; she was impatient, sometimes proud, but always sought the best in people. 

I am brave, she thought. I never thought I would think that, but I am. I've faced so much in this forest, and I know I still have more to go. But I don't need to kill anything to prove that I am brave. I promise that I will never kill another living being again, even if it is as small as a cockroach. 

Elaine began to grow in size. The extra pair of legs shrunk and disappeared; so too, did the antennae. Her skin became soft and pink once more, and she grew taller. Her brown hair returned, and she smiled with her human mouth.

When she grew back, Renard was waiting for her. 

"Welcome back," he said. 

Elaine gave Renard a long, hard look. "How did that happen? I thought Margaret didn't know magic."

Renard licked a paw. "She still has a few tricks up her sleeve. Now, what did we learn?"

Elaine sighed. "Do no harm."

"Exactly. And what else?"

Elaine thought. "And the trick to transfiguration is to visualize what I want to become, then expect to become it."

"Right again! Look at you, learning so fast."

Elaine playfully kicked at Renard. "Hush, I'm a fast learner, and you know it."

"Hey, hey! No kicking. Do no harm, remember?"