Chapter 16

When Elaine woke up the next morning, she felt a mixture of happiness and sadness. She was proud of herself for succeeding in the maze, but what she had seen in the mirror had sent her spiraling down. The more that Elaine thought, the more that it seemed like she should return to her home. 

It was not self-doubt driving her this time. She now felt confident in her powers. She had learned so much from Margaret, and she wanted to continue to learn. Even though she still burned with rage against what Margaret had shown her—the unjust killing of innocent people, the burning of entire villages, the corruption of the court—Elaine could not imagine going head to toe with the likes of that, magic or no. Not even with five other people who also knew magic. The kingdom was huge, the king was extremely well-guarded. There was extremely little chance that Elaine could get near enough to strike without being cut down first. 

As she fetched water from the river, the way it sparkled captured her attention. She thought back to her favorite spot, the disastrous last encounter with Zachary. She wanted to go back, to apologize, to finally show him what she couldn't explain before. She no longer felt ashamed of her magic. She felt privileged and honored that fate would bestow such wonderful gifts to her. She wanted to show him that she had missed him terribly. She had thought about him nearly every day, wanting to tell him that she was working to make things right between them. 

Mostly, though, she longed to return to her family. She wanted to run into her mother's arms, to feel her father's strong hugs and rough beard. She wanted to chase Daniel around the house and show him small tricks with her magic. 

Ten minutes before the mirror in the maze, she had been confident of who she was. She had had a purpose, and that was going to fight with Margaret to free the girls from the king, so they could stop him. All this training, all this studying and practicing had meaning, had a point. She had felt, if not ready, then prepared in the best way she knew how to be. She knew how much progress she had made, how much she no longer feared. 

But now everything was different. The maze had shown her a glimpse of who she really was, and that terrified her more than anything. She had always been so sure that she was one of the "good guys," someone who would always fight for justice, no matter what. 

Now, after what I've seen, what am I supposed to think?

It shook her to her core. It was as if she had been living her life with a solid foundation of stone, only to discover that the stone was actually glass; she didn't know when it would crack, and she did not want to hurt anyone when it did. 

After breakfast, she knew she had to tell Margaret; she just didn't know how. Her stomach clenched at the thought that she would disappoint her. She felt guilty, because the real person Elaine was disappointing was herself, but she knew this was the right thing to do. It was better to protect her family personally with the small amount of magic she knew than to abandon them for who knew how long to fight far-distant battles. Who would protect her family from bullies like Sir Gregory? Who would help them with the autumn harvest? Who would see them through winter?

And so, with a heavy step, and her heart in her mouth, Elaine said, "I need to talk to you."

*

I knew what was coming. You don't live eighty years and not know when someone is about to present you with the very thing that they don't want to tell and you don't want to hear. Even if she had not always been missing her family, dreaming of her home, or whispering a certain name in her sleep, I would have known. Something changed in her after the maze. When she came out, she had this haunted look in her eyes. She suddenly seemed so much older than her sixteen, well, I guess now seventeen years. She saw something in that mirror. Renard told me that I shouldn't have done it, shouldn't have placed the mirror in the maze. 

"She's not ready for it," he had said. 

Maybe he was right. But then again, we're never ready to face ourselves, are we? We are never ready to know our true nature, but if we don't confront it, then we will live our entire lives as lies. I fear that is what she will do. She will pretend to once again be ordinary; she'll pretend to be normal, hiding in the shadows, going about her life as if she can ignore the forces building around her. I just hope she recognizes it in time. 

*

"What is it, my dear?" said Margaret. 

Elaine sat down on a log, took out her sword. She began sharpening it with the whetstone. She didn't look Margaret directly.

Margaret slowly walked over and sat down beside her. 

"You know that whatever it is, you can tell me," she said. 

Elaine stopped sharpening, looked down at the ground. "I...I think I want to go home," she whispered. 

Margaret didn't let her see what a blow it was to hear that. Even though she was dreading to hear those words, had tried to do everything to make sure she didn't hear them, here they were, pouring out anyway. Margaret put her arm around Elaine. 

"Why do you say that, child?"

Elaine seemed to shrink beneath her touch. 

"I don't think I can fight," she said. "I know that you've been training me all this time to fight, and I want to help, I really do, but I don't think I can. I know those girls need help, but I don't think I'm the one to do it."

"Why do you say that?" asked Margaret. 

Elaine bit her lip. She couldn't tell her. She couldn't tell her the real reason, or what she had seen in the mirror. She was too ashamed, too afraid to face what had been revealed to her. 

"I just...I just don't think I'm the one meant to help. At least, not in this. Maybe when I'm older or when my powers are more fully developed, but not right now."

Margaret nodded. She pulled Elaine closer. 

"It's just..." Elaine started. 

"Shhhh..." hushed Margaret. 

"No, let me try to explain," said Elaine. "I understand that the king is evil and that he has done atrocious things. I know he needs to be stopped. I've lived my entire life thinking that the king was good and righteous and our protector, but now I know that's not true. But changing everyone around me to think like that will be hard. To overthrow someone like that, you need help, you need support, but you can't get support from thin air." Elaine stood up and began to pace. "Maybe if I go home and start with my family, that will be the first step. But I can't just throw my life into this, without knowing if I'll ever see them again."

Margaret looked at Elaine. She had grown so much in the past year. She was smarter, wiser, and a little more patient. How deeply Margaret wished that Elaine could see all that, how much she was the leader that they needed. She came from such a good place in her heart; she hated injustice, hated the current state of things. She would be ready, one day. 

I hope, thought Margaret. 

"Oh my child," said Margaret. "If that is your decision, I cannot stop you. I know how much you miss your family. We will say goodbye in the morning."

*

I was proud of her; I admit it. She went from a cowering, crying human girl to a strong, courageous young woman. I could not say for certain when exactly the change happened. Was it after the attack of the thieves? Or the carnivorous trees? Or when she saw the atrocities of the king in the mirror? 

Perhaps it was when she took that first step into the woods on her own. Perhaps she was brave all along, and did not know it until someone (like me!) showed her the way.  Of course, I took her on the most difficult path. We could have arrived at least three days earlier to Margaret's camp, but then we would not have faced those thieves or trees, now would we? And where would be the fun in that? She needed to have a little character built. 

It is no easy thing to face a dragon; even worse to face it alone. I did not want to leave her, but Margaret said that one of the worst things anyone can face is loneliness. I suppose waking up on your own can be heart-wrenching. 

Even so, this journey has changed her quite a bit. Even I'm a better fox for knowing her. I wish I could be with her every step of the way. I can say that she is my friend. I have grown very fond of the little human. Perhaps, more fond than I care to admit. 

But I still must do what I must do.