Chapter 43: Carter

I sat in he cabin with my phone hesitating to call Lorenzo. Instead I wrote in my journal again because Ahliyah and I were working on being able to speak about what was hurting us, instead of keeping it in. There was one missed call on my phone from my father.

Hi, Carter. I know you've probably moved on and as your father I want you to come back home with your mother I. You're overreacting about your childhood because we tried to give you the best, always. Come back home.

The voicemail ended and I threw my phone at the wall. I thought moving somewhere else would keep my problems where they belonged. Overreacting. I laughed because if what they gave me was there best it was a screwed up version of a good dream.

I sighed I didn't have anything to worry about. I wasn't going to go back because I was moving forward even if I wouldn't have parents and that was okay because my true parent died a long time ago. I grabbed my phone dialing Lorenzo's number wanting his support and someone to talk to.

His phone rang three times and I called him again and again until he answered. " Carter, I thought I told you I was okay." He said.

" I didn't call to check on you, but it's nice to know you're okay. I was calling because I needed a friend and support." I stared at my feet waiting for him to say something to lift up my spirits.

" Carter, I don't know what to say. If it's your parents you've always known what to do. Let them go and move forward. I have to go now talk to you later." He hung up and I threw my phone on the other end of the couch.

I didn't think about Lorenzo or my dads screwed up version of a life he said he gave me. Instead I wrapped myself looking up at the ceiling and thinking about things that made me happy. It was easy to slip back into that dark abyss and fall back to the way things used to be.

It was hard to feel happy and truly feel it. I thought about all the place's I had to vent and scream out my frustrations and somewhere to remind myself that I was going to be alright.

I had an amazing girlfriend who loved me and made sure I had everything. She always made sure when my fear of being unloved wanted to resurface back to my mind that I was reminded of how much I deserved to be loved.

I cried as I thought about everything I gone through. Everything I'd given up to move on to make something better for myself to give myself a chance to run away and embrace life with open arms and no restrictions attached.

Now that I've have finally moved on they were trying to take all of that from me by asking me to come back home. That's wasn't fair for me to give up all of this again for them. To please them because I was afraid of the what if's if I didn't.

I sat on the couch writing in my journal opening my soul to the words I wrote on the page. To the truth I needed to tell myself to heal properly from everything. I wanted to fully heal without the access baggage that was on my shoulders, without looking over my shoulder afraid.

I have a chance to breathe and feel good. Why would I let all of this go again?

Ahliyah came into the cabin to check on me." You've been hiding out here for hours. I brought you lunch and are you okay?" She said.

" I'm okay I guess and I'm finally able to let go. I'm in the space where I can talk about what happened to me without having panic attacks or waking up in the middle of the night with nightmares. But, it's seems like people want to take that from me." She sat on the arm of the couch looking around the cabin.

" It's okay enjoy what you have because there is a chance you might not get any of that happiness back."

She left the cabin going back home and I ate my lunch thinking of ways to keep this feeling. Maybe I could bottle it up inside for safe keeping. Maybe I could let the feeling go and hope that it would come back. I put my journal away resting my head on the couch and fell asleep.

I reminded myself that I was loved and that I was deserving of love and that I was going to have whatever I wanted. Ahliyah was right about keeping this feeling because I might not get another chance to to feel this way again.

I thought about calling Lorenzo back but he had his own life to fix now. He had things he had to figure out on his own before he let anyone else in. I grabbed my journal again and began to finish what I was writing before.

Dear, journal

My thoughts are never clear when I write inside of you and I know one day when I come back to read this, they'll make sense. I know that you make things better for me and sometimes it's hard to write these words that I pour inside of you.

My dad called me today and I listened to the voicemail he left. Why was he making it my fault? He claimed they tried to give me the best childhood they could and he wants me to come back home. But, I'm fine where I am. It's taken me years to get to this point of being fully confident and happy with myself to move on and heal.

He wants me to come home. I'm not going to lie I thought about going back home and daydreamed of things changing. Reality quickly slapped me in my face reminding me things were not going to change.

As I thought about it longer it made me angry. I've always been angry with the way things ended up for me and now that I have this light back I have no more room for anger.

Ahliyah came to check on me today and she talked to me like always. I will always love her because she there for me when I need her. She's the other half of me and I love her so much. She's the reason why I have this happiness and light inside of me again.

I stopped blaming myself and I know it's not my fault. It's going to take some time for me to actually believe it.

Sincerely, Carter