I tried so hard not to get attached. To stay on the surface. To be waterproof. To bury my emotions, my feelings, deep inside me. I tried so hard. And I've done it a few times. I've failed hundreds of times. I've had such beautiful encounters in the worst places in the world. I found such beautiful souls in the Underworld itself. Those souls who only need a look to understand you. Who shares the same pain. The same inner violence. The same scars. The same flaws are running away. All those things no one says. A whisper, a sigh, was enough to understand everything. The eyes could see to the depths of the soul. All the way to the bottom of me. The silences had never been so talkative. The gestures had never been so gentle. The same dark breath took us. Broken souls understand each other better than others. It sounds sad that said. But it was these relationships, admittedly a little sinister, that taught me the most. One cannot understand human beings without understanding its flaws. His divase suffer in a single echo.
Some of his relationships are toxic. But if you make sure you pull the other up, they turn out to be sublime. But I've always been afraid of love. That kind of love. Love is a free fall into the void. Love is an abyss. A terrible abyss. You jump into your waters head first, without thinking. The abyss has damaged me so much, my being has been so struck, that I am now afraid to jump. Once one doubts love it is no longer a question of diving into it. We're staying on the surface. Until I don't get scared by the void. But I forgot how to jump. How to let yourself slip into this singular void. I wish I was sucked out of the abyss. But I was too afraid to come out completely broken. To leave fragments of my being there. To come out bruised, with scars. I already have so many scars.
But in reality I loved these painful souls so much that I stopped them from jumping. I was afraid that they would come out with far too many wounds. Let them further damage themselves at the bottom of the abyss. I held them loosely on the edge of the precipice. And for those beings who have been dearest to me, I would have liked to overcome my fear of emptiness. I pretended to be dizzy.
So I jumped with dissonant souls to mine. Deep down I wasn't really afraid for them. I wasn't afraid that they would scratch themselves in all this emptiness. I knew so well that the fall would only be temporary. I should surely have not dived with them. Don't lie to yourself. But I wasn't ready. I've always wanted to keep that shell. Preferred bland relationships, with no real attachment. Everything is so easy without feeling. We know that the abyss will be less ferocious. We know it will only last a while. I have so little to lose, though. But despair makes you so fearful. So empty. I'd rather ignore that fire in me. This tendency of my heart has burned completely. I'm afraid I'm going to burn again and again. Afraid that this fire will burn me completely. Afraid that everything will stop. Suddenly.
And yet a heartbeat and it's all over. The beating of two hearts. Here we are on the brink of emptiness, ready to fall. A look touches me as if to say "you have to jump, don't be afraid". But I always end up hijacking mine. To untie our hands. Slowly retreating away from the abyss. Sometimes that heart like mine jumps before me. Without me. I'm looking at him from afar. My body is freezing. He's falling so hard. Without me. I'd like to tell him I'm joining him. But the words twist in my heart. Then I'll stay here. The feet rooted all the way to the edge of the precipice. And my heart suddenly breaks. He's screaming so loudly in me. I try to soothe my ailments by turning my eyes away. Our eyes cross one last time. But it's already too late. I've already hijacked mine.
I hope one day to be able to follow these beings identical to me. These beings I care about. I hope to overcome, just once, my fear of emptiness.
To succeed in sinking myself without fear into the abyss.