Blank Pages

It felt like it had been forever since Vivaan had been here. There were still times when a steaming black coffee would be served to the person next to me at the café, and I would turn to see if it was Vivaan.

Writing had become a struggle. Many times I would read what I had written and cry. I traced my fingers over the precious book with my name on it, trying to find the courage to turn to one more blank page.

It was only when I had lost Vivaan that I realized I loved him more than anything in this world. I would have given anything to get him back.

'Kabir asked me to come in and talk to you,' Nisha said one day. I jumped in my seat, not having heard her approach.

'Nisha, there is nothing you can do or say to bring back Vivaan,' I said sadly. 'I have to figure out how to get over this hump so I can finally finish this story though.'

She nodded her understanding. I watched as she signalled Kabir to bring her a cold coffee with ice cream.

She sighed. 'Life is about twists and turns,' she began. 'It is about experiencing everything and anything it throws your way. Some people are here to teach us lessons while other people will be here forever as we grow old together. I am not sure yet if Vivaan will be there for you, but time will heal your broken heart.'

'I'm sure it will,' I said, although I didn't really believe her words or mine.

Nisha pressed on. 'Just concentrate on everything you wanted. This is the time in which you can finally be an author. There is no one here to slow you down or stop you.'

'But what if I never see him again?' I finally voiced my greatest fear.

Nisha rubbed my arm lovingly. She was such a dear friend, and I thought of the heartaches she had experienced before Kabir proposed.

She was silent for a moment as she put her words together. 'I have heard that if two souls are destined to meet, the universe will always find a way to make the connection. Even when you lose all hope, certain bonds cannot be broken. They show us who we were, who we are and who we can become. Amidst everything, nature will always find a way.'

Despite her confident words and my brave determination to move forward and keep writing, I wasn't sure how to move on without Vivaan; that was the truth. Vivaan might never have disclosed his full story, but he always told me just enough to keep me interested and wanting more.

There was something about Vivaan's story that had called my soul as if it was a piece of mine as well. It was hard enough that he had moved on, but having to finish a book where he was the main character and every thought I wrote was about him was even harder to deal with. Every page reflected his stories.

I thought about one conversation we'd had when I asked him where he wanted to go.

He explained, 'I want to travel but I don't mean I want to be a tourist. I want to be a traveller, an explorer. I want to explore another country and become part of it. Climb the hills, swim the rivers, walk on beaches, find the libraries, discover secrets and stories of the places.

'I want to meet people who are different from me, but people with whom I can still be the same. I want to see things with new eyes and listen with new ears. I don't want to come home whole; instead, I want to leave a piece of me in each place I have been. And thus, it would be an even exchange, as I take a piece of each place I visit.'

Was that how my book would end? With Vivaan vanishing like he always did, without a trace or a word? I didn't want to end the book in such a way that made no sense to me. I didn't want it to end suddenly in tragedy and loss. It was supposed to be the greatest story that anyone would ever know. At the moment, I was only writing the world's most incomplete story.

No one understood that, without him, my story was incomplete. Least of all, Vivaan.

I didn't say a word to anyone when I left the café. I didn't talk much now. My courage to go forward in life, the confidence to work towards everything I wanted to accomplish ... all of it seemed to be locked away and hidden. I wasn't sure if it was still within me and just carefully hidden, or if Vivaan had taken my dreams with him as well.

I walked to my car and began driving. It was a route I had taken a thousand times to get to my apartment. The traffic was unbearable. The sun was beginning to set, and the burst of colours on the horizon made it look like flames were dancing in the sky. Beautiful shades of blue, pink and purple spread across above me.

'I want to travel, travel the whole world. I want to go on a road trip. Enjoy every sunrise and sunset, sometimes from a hilltop and sometimes from behind the trees.' Vivaan's voice echoed in my mind.

Tears began to form again as I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hand.

As quickly as my anger bubbled up, it settled even more rapidly into a bland sadness. 'I hope you at least see this sunset, Vivaan, and you remember me here, where you left me,' I whispered quietly in my car.