The Trouble with a Sleepless Night

Last night was one of the worst nights of my entire lifetime, other than any nights that I was sick with a cold or something. I went to bed around 11pm after watching the True Blood Finale. What happened next was absolutely absurd.

From 11pm-5:15am, I proceeded to toss and turn every 3-5 minutes or so. I took some Nyquil before bed because I ran myself out of my sleeping pills but it didn't help. I literally watched the clock tick the minutes away. It got so old that all I really wanted was the clock to say 5:30am so I could get up and go to work. I never got that far.

During my tossing and turning, my only pair of boxers that aren't boxer brief continued to let my junk sneak out of the bottom. As I would turn myself, my boxers didn't follow suit so I constantly had to adjust my coin purse. At one point, I know I had one nut out and the other nut in a knot inside the boxers, it was excruciating. Nut tangles are no laughing matter…for all of you reading this and laughing out loud.

I straightened out the boxers, adjusted the merchandise and proceeded to try to sleep again even though I already knew it wasn't happening. So I decided to attempt an old trick Aliyah taught me. I put my thumb in my mouth and I laid on my side. No go. The thumb in the mouth made me want something else in my mouth from an old friend named Melvin.

I knew only one thing would curb my appetite for slumber and I knew it had to happen fast. I got dressed at about 1:27am and got in the car. I went to every street corner I thought would be suitable for a prostitute. Hang in there; it's not what you think. I finally stumbled upon the perfect specimen. I pulled up and cracked the window. She asked what I was interested in and I quietly mumbled, "Breast milk."

First of all, she didn't have to laugh at me and second of all when I pulled out a crisp 100 dollar bill she still laughed as she pulled her boobie from her shirt and milked herself into a small plastic container I had placed on the roof of the car. Once the container was topped off, I took it back, smiled, smelled it and capped it. I pulled away only to see red and blue lights in my mirror.

Yes, Officer? Because I knew I did nothing wrong. Let me see that container you got there boy. I handed the container to the officer and he slowly sniffed the contents, as if I were about to wage biological warfare on the city.

I explained to him what my problem was and he let me off with a ticket for gross misconduct, which is a $573 fine. No problem. I needed this sleep like a crack head needed some peewee to suck on to get his/her fix.

I pulled up at the house, slid the silky warm breast milk down my gullet in 2 large gulps and I knew it was just a matter of time before I was down for the count. I ran to the door, got it open and secured the house. As I proceeded up the stairs, I began to slowly fall asleep in mid-climb. By the time I reached the top step I was on all fours trying to make it to the bedroom.

I woke up in the middle of the hall and realized I had pissed the floor. Of course, I was off to Walmart to get Madden and then work to….work. I had no time to clean the up piss.

What a night!