Baby Steps

  I was met with radio silence. I had a feeling they would have noticed. "What's wrong bro?" For some reason his tone made it seem like he already knew. "I can't say much over the phone but I'll send you a location tomorrow." I abruptly ended the call and inhaled deeply. I lay on that bed staring blankly at the ceiling as thoughts just rushed through my mind. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I wanted to curl into a ball and just cry out but instead, I just lay there without moving an inch. Luckily, the creaking noise from my door snapped me out of my trance.

My mom stared at me with a look of concern. She gazed straight into my eyes and could tell that I wasn't ok. Her first instinct was to firmly embrace me as she silently cried with me in her grasp. It felt so comforting to be in her arms. Immediately, the negative thoughts were replaced with wholesome ones. Her warmth reminded me of Ayumi. Almost instantly I felt better. My face was less pale, my grimace had switched to a slight grin and it looked as if a bit of my spirit was restored. "Thanks, mom. I really needed that." She left after caressing my head and wished me a good night.

I found myself in a deep sleep. Once again, I had another dream but this one was very different. The younger me was staring at me while pointing towards my friends and mother. "For the longest while you attempted to create this façade where you were fine. Meanwhile, your emotions were consuming you. Your priority was to please others but you didn't care about yourself. Unfortunately for you, you couldn't maintain that façade. Instead of reaching out to people you just neglected your feeling and look at what good that has done!" I looked around at each of them seeing them hiding their concern for me.

"At least you're finally deciding to talk to people. Don't you see! All you're doing is making this worse! You should have faced these feelings instead of letting them boil up within you! What good has that caused? Each day you feel exhausted because you can barely enjoy yourself. You want to be the perfect son for your dad but that's never going to happen! Stop trying to be perfect and accept your flaws! Or you're just going to keep feeling worse and worse. Aren't you tired of living like this? Aren't you tired of making your friends and mother worried about you?" He began crying.

I gradually approached him and hugged him. "I'm tired of running. I'm not certain if I can stand up against my dad but I'm certain I'm tired of living like this. That's why I'll talk to my friends tomorrow. Trust me I plan to change but I doubt it will happen immediately. So please be patient with my change." I begged him. "Fine, just remember to stop trying to forget who you are." Once again, he faded away but the dream didn't end. Unfortunately, I had to relive the moment multiple times before I had awoken. Just like before my bed was drenched in tears.

Despite this, it wasn't exactly like before. Amidst all the tears was a faint smile on my face. A genuine one. For the longest while, I thought if I kept my feelings that I wouldn't burden others. Fortunately, I learned my lessons. I became a burden when I started pushing people away and wouldn't ask for help. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I felt light and relieved. After my traumatizing moment, I subconsciously hid my weaknesses from everyone which took a toll on me. Even though it was a dream and I was talking to myself it felt good to share my feelings with someone.

I went on with my day as normal until it was time to rendezvous with my friends. I was the first one there. Not too long after arriving there, I received messages from Alexander and Samantha stating they had emergencies to deal with so they wouldn't be able to make it. I was a bit disappointed but I understood their situation. I just sat inside the building and patiently waited for Ayumi to come. Boredom eventually got the better of me resulting in me dozing off. I was roused from my nap by light but consistent tapping on my shoulder.

I slowly opened my eyes to Ayumi innocently smiling as she sat next to me. "How long was I sleeping?" "I don't know but I let you sleep for a bit because you look like you needed it. Besides," she proceeds to pull out her phone, "look how peaceful you look." "Delete that!" "Hmmm, make me!" I chased her around the building. Eventually, I caught up to her and gently tackled her to the floor. We had found ourselves in quite an awkward situation. "Umm, no offense but could you get off of me." I released her because the situation was very awkward.

"Sorry about that." "Nah I don't mind. I was glad." I was riddled with confusion from her statement. "What do you mean, I could have hurt you." She sighed and shook her head. "You look so tense all the time. Like sometimes you have to just relax. Why push yourself so hard in the first place?" I remained silent. I was ready to discuss everything with her but as soon as the opportunity presented itself I couldn't say a word. "Well, we should get home anyways." She stood up and started walking but I grabbed her hand and begged her to not leave.

"I'm pushing myself this hard so I can please my dad. He doesn't want me to play basketball and when I told him I wanted to a regrettable situation broke out. To keep playing basketball I have to keep providing good grades." She was stunned and speechless. "Honestly, I didn't mind pushing myself so hard because it made him proud of me but just because I didn't get the highest average in our year, he got mad at me. He didn't even acknowledge all the work I've been doing. No matter what I do I can't please him and still have fun. I'm just a disappointment."

I didn't even realize when it happened but Ayumi had broken free from my grip and was hugging me closely. It was quite relieving to have her listen to me. I returned the hug and we remained like that for quite a while. "Are we interrupting something?" We scanned the room to see Samantha and Alexander staring at us from the entrance of the building. We broke the hug and both were silent.  "You know that we could leave you guys alone, right?" "My bro is getting himself a wifey. I'm so proud."

"It's not like that and I thought you had an emergency." "Yes, we did but it got dealt with more quickly than expected." "Maybe we should have got here later and see what they would have done." Samantha immediately punched his shoulder in response to his remark. Like always they found themselves in quite the argument. I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Thanks for letting me join your friend group and know that I'm always willing to listen to you," she whispered. I nodded my head and smiled. It was much better to discuss my problems than to let them consume me.