Superhero origins!

Hello my name is Leng Tao. Where shall we start my complicated and disastrous story?

...

On a train speeding through a tunnel which seemed to contain the darkness of the abyss.

To the side a man wearing a multi pocketed jacket subtly pressed against a woman wearing a very nice suit. He laid his arm down with his palm out and began to feel her curves with the tug and pull of the train and the people around him.

The girl bit her lip trying as hard as she could to push away.

The man had a victorious smile as if he had done the best thing in his life. His slightly yellow teeth showing and his eyes creasing to sharp slates.

No! No! Guys, that guy ain't me!

I'll be there in a few seconds...

1,2,3.

Bang! A rather good looking fellow with 'muscles' pushing against a grey shirt slammed a book on the perverted mans head. If an artist were to be present they would most probably describe it as the most handsome man ever heroically slaying a dirty lecher!

Hey! You think I can't hear what you are thinking?! You think I don't have muscles and I'm not handsome! Fine, fine! Be that way.

Anyway with a rather heavy slam on the perverted mans head he fell down.

Sure, sure. Some might call this guy 'handsome', but only villains do that kids!

As he looked up with his rather poop colored eyes and golden hair, with a growl he wished to speak.

Yet the hero spoke first, "What do you think you are doing you little bastard! You wanna go on a boat ride with me, on the river of souls?"

As the ever kind hero tried to talk to the maiden instead he got - those oh so familiar eyes.

Ones of confusion, distrust and full of grievance. It was as if I was the perverted fool and this fallen man was the hero.

Yes, yes my brothers. It's the oh so common trope of being rescued by someone to their simple minds undesirable.

Okay! I'll admit it maybe I'm not handsome! Yet I definitely am not ugly! Maybe my muscles are fat curves! Damn you stop judging me through this screen!

Of course by social custom like beasts she does the most basic form of thanks.

Did I lack self confidence! No I actually have over confidence bordering on a gods complex so, fuck you cliche!

Do I think I'm undeserving of glory and honor? Nope I definitely deserve it Im basically the best kind of human.

If I liked a girl and a handsome guy like her too. Would I opt out? Never!

That's your hero folks!

Anyway your little cool guy here went around saving tons of people, but yes the ugly, fat guy halo really poisoned the well...

Anyway with my famous quote, "You wanna go on a boat ride with me, on the river of souls?" I toured the small city I was in...

One day while helping an old man from some thugs I said my ever famous quote and guess what! That fucking old man was... The Yama. Yes the death god. The ruler of Hell... Well in your religious doctrine he can be known as Whatever.

Anyway that creepy old bastard took me too the underworld and began to train me to be his successor. Because in his words, "Yeah I'm immortal, but who wants to spend their lives in this damp place."

Could I leave? Nope! Listen to this annoying old man, "Haha. You want to leave. No! Why? Because you're a mortal and weak and I'm a deity!"

Wow! Don't worry this isn't the normal hero story, I don't train like shit and become buff and stuff and get all the girls.

A thousand years later...

Yes your little awesome dude was stuck in hell for a thousand years.

Then finally that piece of shit old man said that we had to go see the Jade Emperor!

So he grabbed me and took me. Yet as we were flying over the river of souls... He dropped me!

I fell inside and felt the effects of Samsara. I felt my existence flicker uncontrollably like a fire in winter. Harsh winds bit at my life bringing about unimaginable pain. Literally imagine hitting your toe x 1,000,000!

No, no my good fellows life wouldn't be so kind for that little grace. To let me die was still unattainable I suppose. The world must wish for me to keep suffering, because as I was being torn apart there in the sky.

A red spider lily fell slowly.

Fuck? A red spider lily? Shit is that unravel playing the background!

No! Perhaps I'll be reincarnated in a Cultivation world! Maybe I can be like Zhou Weiqing or maybe Zhou Feng! What if the library of heavens part blesses me, wait no I don't want to that wedding scene... Wait! I know Yi Tianyun! Damn there are too many options, but I kinda don't wanna be Lin Ming, but you know Im open to anything!

Wow, did that red spider lily bring down 7 colored lightning? Wait, the river of souls... Fuck me! You want my soul to be decimated with no chance of reincarnation!?

Boop.

Light shone brightly on my face. On a large field I laid wearing thin garments. The thin and long wild grass danced along my skin and the sound of the wind slowly rattling the leaves, causing them to flutter beautifully among the beautiful beams of light.

I said with a smile, "So I've been reincarnated... Which Cultivation world am I in?"

A little fluttered in the wind gently setting it's head on my nose.

Itchy!?

Fucking hell, what's this horrible pain! It couldn't be those hairs from that caterpillar or whatever right?! Wait...

I spoke, first taking a big gulp... "That run down shack... Is that my home? Wait these scars is this my body from when I was child? No, no, no, no! No way! Don't tell me..."

I was reincarnated as my nine year old self.

Yes friends I got a cliche, but not the cliche I wanted. Ah, well as you can see little me can't handle the horrible situation in front of him and lost consciousness.

Shall we have a moment of silence for a lost comrade who failed to get the Isekai dream...

Wait! That's me! Why am I already killing myself off!

Truck Kun! Wait for me I'll search for you!

Well guys today is my first day back in time. I really don't want to start this journey, but yes.

Wait can I invest?