What Now?

In which our protagonist loses hope... and parts of his humanity in the same night

The lights were dimmed in the cramped shared space as I huddled in the corner. I liked that. More appropriately put, I was used to that. And it was still, too, juxtaposing the outrageous city streets of which I used to roam, accompanied with the flashing traffic lights and the constant chatter and commotion. I was constantly begging for money, or even better, food. I was the scrappiest boy in the vicinity of New York and not a single person cared. No matter! I'm nowhere near as disgusting as before, thanks to the showers and pleasant smelling hygiene equipment. Equipment? I meant toiletries. As much as my surroundings were serene, they messed with my head often. I leaned back against the cool wall only to have to pick up my buzzing phone at the desk. I had a feeling it'd be one of my friends, whose contacts I received on my first day.

Notifications

John sent a message...

I'll be out. Coming back late. Stay inside!

How infuriating! I had just as much right to go out and enjoy myself as much as he did. It was now far too chilling for me in here, and my period of reflection had now dissolved into a desire to escape. I had come to realise how trapped I was in here. Not only in college, but in society. My thoughts turned into texts.

H - Why can't I go out? Where are you?

J - You're new around here. Your safety is my priority.

"Your safety is my priority?!" When did he become my parents? Right. Back when he first found me.

H - Where are you, though? Don't keep secrets!

J - Can't tell. I've taken an oath.

First of all, who with? Second, why? Third, goddammit, Laurens! He's hanging on to his lies by the skin of his teeth. Within the confusion, I asked questions from a more reliable source.

Hey, Angelica. I know you're out with John. Where are you?

I was left hanging with the '...' bubble floating on the screen. It hung there for several minutes, my mind becoming more cognisant with every passing second. To my dismay, it disappeared, and from what I observed, I came to two conclusions. One, you can't trust anyone. Two, if you want something, you have to search for it yourself. Searching is what I was born with. The quality I possessed to guide me through life. My background as an orphan has left my paths wide open, forking and bending at every turn. An adventure is what I was left to occupy my existence with.

"If Angelica isn't answering, which she should, then she's either busy, or off her heels drunk..." My phone chimed again. It was from Angelica, and it was a picture! Time to put on my detective hat... She was posing with Jefferson in a flashy pink dress, hair styled and glass in hand. Let me let that sink in. She was posing with Jefferson... who was in a suit... If she was doing that she was intoxicated! John's lies were revealed, but they didn't help whatsoever. Perhaps Angelica was being smart after all, giving me the deets in the most transparent way possible!

"Hey, Siri. Give me directions to the nearest bar!" I yelled, scurrying around the room for a pair of comfortable sneakers.

"Nearest bar is ten minutes away." The machine spoke. I shook my phone in frustration.

"They wouldn't walk for ten minutes!" I sighed, voice echoing the room as I sat down to tie my shoes. After refreshing the poor accommodation WiFi, I viewed the results flicker and change. The closest bar was actually two minutes away, a much more affordable distance for the troop. "Give me directions!" I exclaimed again, and the machine set up my course.

The bar was only two blocks away, but I should've known that Google Maps always picks a convoluted route. The commotion filled city I'd experienced before was a barren space, only illuminated by the fading orange streetlights and, of course, the bar. It was the same one I got punched in a fight at, except for one thing. No bodyguard to block me off or regard me less. If he was there, I'd tell him I was now a child prodigy at King's College and he'd succumb to my status.

The number of party goers in there was enormous! Almost everyone there was twirling and vibing at the black and white checkered dance floor occupying the centre, a few families resided at tables filling around the sides and the bar counter was littered with beer taps at the back, housing the maniacs, risk-takers, full-time drinkers and thrill-seekers alike. It was for this reason that I took caution upon entering, spotting a third of the gang at a side back table, Jangelica, the ship name I thought of on my way here, dancing and the squad, Herc, John and Laf, drinking. In the alcohol sector was also a young lady in a stunning red dress, who I knew all too well. I picked the table, my safest option by far.

"Hi, guys!" I made my entrance, leaving everyone watching me with star-studded shock.

"What are you doing here?" Burr asked, incredulous.

"I couldn't miss out on all the fun! Plus, I had to go say congrats to the new couple." I gestured to the slow dance the pair were doing.

"Go hang out with the boys!" Eliza urged, "And they're not a couple. Just ask them..."

"I sure will." I winked at her, strutting right over. I can't comprehend the fact that no one wants a bar of me. I haven't done anything wrong! I haven't rippled any friendships or broken anyone's reputation. Maybe it was my demeanour that deterred them.

"Jefferson!" I frantically waved, "Congrats!" They pulled themselves apart.

"On what?" he said.

"You're so oblivious, you two," I smirked.

"It's not what it looks like!" he cried.

"Oh, really! I have all the evidence." The pair exchanged glances and Angelica facepalmed. They commenced in a game of rapid whispering as I fumbled with my phone. "Here!" I held out my phone plain in view.

"What's so suspicious about posing?" Angelica raised an eyebrow. "I did you a solid. Now go enjoy yourself, without pestering the others!" Thomas twirled her around and I took a seat next to Lafayette, navigating through the maze of strewn furniture.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, causing him to spit out the shot he had just taken.

"What. Was. That?!" he screamed.

"Sorry," I apologised, but the sarcasm was booming.

"Allé!" he commanded and I slunk over to Maria.

"Is the world treating you badly?" she questioned with an unmissable drunken slur, taking a shot as she spoke.

"You can say that again." She handed me a shot glass that clinked against hers, filling it with beer. With everyone avoiding me or ignoring my existence, I took it upon myself to escape from reality. I drank obligingly.

"Oh, my God," I muttered aloud, holding a hand to my head. I was struck with the bitter but addictive taste. I had never had alcohol before, but it felt incredible. Transformative, in a sense. I felt the giggles coming, but I had to hold them in. Too bad. I yielded. A symphony of laughter burst from my mouth in all kinds of pitches and variations. Maria gave me a look that was somewhere between quizzical and what-the-heck-are-you-doing. "I've never had alcohol!" I squealed as if I had inhaled helium.

"Interesting." she smiled, "Have some more."

"Oh, no! I'm all good." I responded, dawdling over to the boys. I tapped John on the back, hoping for an expression of longing or ecstasy.

"He--Whoa..." He stared at me, mouth agape, "What happened to you?"

"I just had a glass..." I confessed. "But you guys have tons!"

"I don't drink often. The only one that does is Herc. Herc?" His eyes scanned the room, targeting his friend, who was shooting darts at the dartboard, tipsy and missing seventy-five per cent of the time. When the dart did connect, it was always lopsided to the left or the right, never a straight bullseye. "Anyway, Laf and I drink much less. It's our last resort to relieve stress, but we are also the thrill-seekers, explaining why we came today."

"Then whyyy didn't you let m-m-meee come?" I whined.

He dragged me to a dark, secluded, corner of the bar and grabbed my shoulders. "Look, we didn't wanna break your innocence. We knew you were a kind soul. A great, kind soul. We didn't want to ruin that for you."

I had to take some deep breaths to absorb the information, "You didn't wanna b-break me, coooorrect?"

"Yes, Alex." He looked me dead in the eye, "C'mon. Let's get you home."

I took a few paces away. "You're lying!" I yelled. I knew everything. Drunk me still bottled up the memories. What memories, though? The ones where everyone lies to me. Or mistreats me. Makes every attempt to ruin my life. I extracted all of that dread and anguish and lashed out like I never had before. "You idiot, John Laurens! You don't understand anything! You are hanging on to your web of lies by the skin of your teeth. You must be feeling so guilty inside. You must be frozen with fear. I don't understand how you do it. This is not what friends do. They don't lie, cheat or steal. You really don't realise that you are a killer. A killer of emotion!" I screeched, using every ounce of confidence and passion inside of me to state my case.

I played this game with my mum a week or so before she died. I called it, "Win the debate/Make people cry". My mum was a sensitive, benignant human being, and it was almost predictable that she cried, either from being overwhelmed at how headstrong I was, or just genuine sadness. That brought out even further emotion as I was left panting, eyes bloodshot from the alcohol. I punched him square in the face.

"You've gotta let that blood run." My brain told me, "Your blood and his all the same." I sauntered over to Maria.

"Ok. Now I feel like some more." I beckoned her with my bloodied hand and she filled my glass up.

"When did all that blood get on you?" She asked, but she cut herself off, "This is unsafe. Let's get you home." The next minute I slapped her silly. The bartenders were alarmed by the mysterious crimes, as I lingered nearby, back facing them, to catch their conversation to the police and the ambulance. Nothing about the perpetrator, only two bodies unconscious on the floor, bodies reeking with the scent of blood. I'll make it clear, I didn't kill them. Their sentiments were disgusting. All parentlike and morally reprehensible. "Let's get you home!" Blergh. Everyone knows I feel about that. I manoeuvre to the dance floor, DJ pumping out "Pumped Up Kicks" as if nothing happened. Quite suitable, I might add. Jangelica were exhausted and they made their way to the barstools. Thomas veered towards the right, Angelica to the left. Paralysed, they were. Not much I could do.

"John!" Thomas screamed, jumping down to inspect his body.

"Oh, my God." Angelica muttered, cupping Maria's face with shaky breathing. The boys and the three had noticed now, splitting up to occupy either of the victims, and the space turned silent. I acted with utmost surprise, dashing out like there was no tomorrow. I had no plans to be a full time murderer, but no plans to be a stuck up, goody two shoes either. An adventure is what I was left to occupy my existence with.