A True Connection

"That...is not it." When Zenith spoke, his voice came out soft, hesitant. He had started fiddling with the end of his ponytail. "Please don't think that way, Theo. You are not weak."

"Then why'd you take Darian's Levia, huh?" A sob swelled in Theo's throat, but he furiously swallowed it down.

"It is...necessary. For my survival."

"Survival?"

"I...." Zenith glanced to the side before returning his gaze to Theo, his eyes as piercing as ever. "I have no memories of my past. How I came to be, why I was created. My earliest memories are of wandering the wasteland all by myself. A knight with no mission, no purpose."

He breathed in. "Then I met her...my liege. She was battling monsters – outnumbered, but desperately clinging to survival. I leaped in to help her. When I did, my Levia resonated with hers. At that moment, I understood. This was the reason for my existence. I had found a worthy liege to serve, the one to whom I would dedicate my sword and shield.

"Afterwards, I swore myself to her service. It was more than just words. I am a homunculus; I cannot create Levia of my own. What I had been using beforehand were the faded remnants from my creation. My liege infused me with her Levia. She gave me the strength I needed to protect her. For that, I will forever be grateful."

An unfamiliar emotion trembled in his voice. No, Theo had heard this from him not too long ago, when he had thanked Darian. It wasn't love, he didn't think. More like fervor.

"Because of this...her Levia is still the greatest source of strength for me. I need regular infusions from her in order to maintain my best condition."

"So she's been giving you Levia all this time?" Theo felt empty, desolate. 'So you've been cheating all this time?'

Stupid, stupid, stupid. It wasn't like he and Zenith were in a relationship, or had ever been. Zenith's true, deepest loyalty had always been to Darian. Theo was an idiot for thinking his silly infatuation could even come close.

"Yes." Zenith swallowed. "Please don't think that means you aren't important. You are my wizard. The one who allows me to fight in this world."

He might have meant it as reassurance, but it still stung. "So that's all I am to you. Just a way for you to fight. If Darian could be your wizard, you'd rather be fighting for her, wouldn't you?"

Zenith lurched back, his eyes wide. Theo had never seen him so caught off guard, but it didn't give him any triumph. "That isn't possible. We're both Tielans."

'You just don't get it, do you?' Theo dug his nails harder into his palms. Then again, how did he expect Zenith to? He was being completely unfair, hurting and confusing Zenith. Now he felt certain that Zenith didn't have romantic feelings for Darian – that he had no idea what romance was. To him, kissing was just another way to fulfill his duty.

All along, that inhuman singlemindedness of his had bothered Theo. So he'd tried to find ways to break through it, to get Zenith to appreciate there was more to life than serving his liege. And maybe he'd succeeded in some small ways, but he'd never truly understood the depths of that devotion. It went beyond emotion; it was inscribed into Zenith's body itself.

Theo had been the one reading too much into things, expecting things Zenith couldn't give him. How could he even begin to explain what the kiss had meant to him?

Despair clenched like a fist around his heart. So this was how it was. He'd have to give up on sharing a true emotional connection with Zenith, because Zenith just wasn't capable of it. He should accept that Zenith kissed Darian, and allow Zenith to kiss him like it meant nothing. Just transferring Levia.

But...but it seemed so painful that way. So lonely. More than a romantic relationship, he'd always just wanted to connect with Zenith as a person. The prospect that he might never be able to, that they'd already reached the limits of their understanding, hurt so much he couldn't breathe.

Victor's hateful words marched through his head again. 'This is a doll without a heart or emotions. All it knows is its directive to fight for its liege. Don't delude yourself into believing it cares.'

No. Theo couldn't accept that was true. He could resign himself to not being a couple with Zenith, but he couldn't resign himself to this.

"Theo. I'm sorry."

Theo snapped his head up. He almost wished he hadn't, because the expression on Zenith's face punched him right in the heart. The same confusion as before, but now with a horrible trembling edge of guilt.

"What – what are you sorry for?" Theo managed to stammer out.

"You're upset, and I don't know why. I only know that I'm the cause for it." Zenith lowered his head, bangs tumbling over his eyes.

The pain sharpened, slicing at the tenderest parts of Theo's soul. Tears sprang into his eyes again, but he blinked them back. He had no right.

No, this was all his fault. He was the one who had hurt Zenith, and he knew exactly what he had done.

Quick, he had to say something. Make it right. But before he could, Zenith stepped forward and reached out. Too shocked to move, Theo could only stand there as Zenith brushed beneath his eye, gentle as a raindrop. His fingertip came away wet, stained with a bit of black eyeliner.

"I...don't want to see you cry, Theo." Zenith spoke slowly, as if he was trying to gather his thoughts. "So please...if there's anything I can do to make you feel better...."

A lump the size of a grapefruit swelled in Theo's throat. So what if Zenith might be a machine powered by his devotion to his liege. He was also the kindest person Theo knew.

"Just...just tell me one thing." Incredibly, Theo managed to push the words out through the lump. "What do you think about me? Not as a wizard. As a person."

Maybe he was still being unfair. Still demanding too much. But more than anything, he ached to know the answer. Maybe it would finally give him peace, no matter what it might be.

Zenith blinked. He stepped back, and Theo almost let out a protest, but one look at Zenith's eyes shut him up. He'd seen this expression on Zenith's face before: distant, deep in thought. Just like when they had watched the jellyfish at the aquarium.

For a long time, he stood there. Traffic rumbled and dogs barked somewhere beyond the park, but it felt like the two of them were the only people in the world. Or maybe just Theo alone. Zenith was completely lost within himself, and Theo found he didn't mind. He had the sense that Zenith was thinking harder about this than he'd ever thought about anything in his life.

Finally, Zenith blinked. Theo's heart skipped when his pale lashes swept elegant arcs up and down. When he looked back at Theo, his gaze held none of his usual resolve. No, he seemed almost afraid.

"You are...my wizard and my lord." Theo's heart sank. So all that thinking and Zenith still hadn't come up with anything more than that.

"But I also...." Zenith swallowed, his throat visibly jumping. "I...like...spending time with you. It feels...peaceful. When I see that you are sad, like now...it is painful." His hand moved, absently brushing his chest.

Theo couldn't breathe. His heartbeat echoed inside his head, but he forced himself to ignore the meaningless thunder, not wanting to miss a single one of Zenith's words.

"I don't want to see you sad. I want to...see you smile." When Zenith looked back at Theo, his gaze was almost beseeching. "Is that...selfish...of me?"

Theo couldn't take any more of this. Everything rushed away – his doubts, his resentment, his childish fears – and he flung himself forward and threw his arms around Zenith.

Zenith stumbled but didn't push him away, and Theo buried his face deeper into Zenith's shirt. This close, all he could feel was Zenith. His body, firm and solid. His scent, light and clean. And the crystal core of Levia he possessed instead of a heart, pulsing with a rhythm just as fierce as Theo's.

"No," Theo said into Zenith's shirt, tightening his grip. "It's not selfish. I'm the one who was selfish. I'm sorry, Zenith. I'm so sorry."

"Theo...?" Zenith's voice was so tiny Theo wouldn't have heard if he wasn't so close. "Why...why are you apologizing?"

"Because I was being stupid. I can't say sorry enough."

"I – I don't understand. I made you sad, didn't I? I'm sorry."

"You dummy, I'm sorry." A choked sound escaped Theo's lips, and he took a moment to realize it was a laugh.

"I am too," Zenith insisted, which drew another laugh from Theo. "Theo? Now you're laughing?"

"Sorry, sorry," Theo gasped.

"No, I am."

"Then I guess we're even, right?"

"Ah." Theo felt Zenith's chest tighten as he drew in a breath. "I – I suppose."

Then he rested his hands on Theo's back, his touch hesitant as if he was afraid Theo might break beneath him. But it made Theo's heart jump in his throat and a strange, fragile joy unfurl instead his chest. Not the euphoria he'd felt during the kiss, but something far more precious.

Somehow, he had the sense that Zenith was feeling it too.