That Sinking Feeling

Yawning, Theo cracked his eyes open. His body ached, but in a warm, heavy way that almost felt comfortable. Which made sense, considering he must have slept like a log last night. 

Last night. Just like that, the memories flooded his mind again. Zenith panting beneath him, his face flushed bright red. His hands digging into Theo's back. And the way he moaned out Theo's name....

Heat seared in Theo's cheeks and he rolled onto his side, tugging the blanket around him. So that had happened. It really had. There was no way he could have imagined it, right? Not when it had turned out so much better than even his wildest fantasies.

His heart pounded so hard he thought it might explode, and it wasn't just out of embarrassment. No, if he was being honest with himself, he'd have to call this feeling...joy. A joy so overwhelming he felt like he was drowning in it. 

Because not only had he done all those things with Zenith, but he'd finally confessed his feelings. And Zenith had...Zenith had....

He hadn't said anything back, but he had kissed Theo more passionately than he ever had. To say nothing of what they'd done afterwards. So didn't that mean....

His heartbeat spiked. He had to take a moment to lie there with his hands over his face, breathing in deeply to calm himself down. 

Once he felt certain he wasn't going to shatter into a million pieces if he so much as twitched a muscle, he climbed out of bed. Outside the porthole, the clouds were tinged pale gold with dawn. Still early, but Zenith was nowhere to be seen.

Then again, he didn't need to sleep, so he probably hadn't spent the night. Still, Theo felt pretty sure he hadn't dreamed up falling asleep in Zenith's arms.

And if he reached down the pathways of his Levia, he found his familiar's stark white light easily enough. Somehow it seemed closer to his grasp than ever, pulsing the same steady rhythm as his own. In fact, they were mingled so thoroughly he almost couldn't tell them apart. His dawn glow felt sharper and brighter, Zenith's light gentler and more soothing.

It didn't take much effort to sense that Zenith's Levia was stronger somewhere above him – probably on the deck. As fast as he could, Theo threw on his clothes and headed out of the bedroom.

He hurried through the corridors, ignoring the lingering aches in his joints. All he knew was he needed to see Zenith as soon as possible, just to confirm once and for all that last night hadn't been a dream.

By the time he reached the deck, his Levia pounded at an almost unbearable rhythm inside his chest. Or maybe this was Zenith's? Well, it didn't matter. The cold air nipped at his face and it was still early enough for a couple globe-fish to be drifting about, but he didn't take long to find Zenith standing at the bow.

For a moment Theo stood still, watching his familiar's silhouette backlit by the rising sun. Stern and imposing in full armor, he couldn't be more different from his blushing, disheveled self from last night. But they were both sides of the same person, the person who Theo loved. 

Theo took a step forward, only to hear a click of metal and whoosh of air. At that moment Zenith lunged forward, sword sweeping a graceful arc.

Before he could strike the bow railing, he sidestepped and spun a full circle, cape flaring around him. Once again he swung his sword, only to leap back and thrust out his shield as if fending off an imaginary opponent.

Training first thing in the morning. That was just like Zenith. Theo couldn't keep a slight smile from lifting his lips as he watched Zenith dance and weave across the deck, sword and shield moving together in a perfect rhythm. And impossible as it might be, Theo felt himself fall even deeper in love.

Yet as graceful as Zenith's movements might be, something seemed strangely frantic about them too. And Theo couldn't help but remember the last time he had seen Zenith train on his own like this, so long ago...

But that had been a low point in their relationship, both of them stewing after their loss to Ryan. Now was completely different.

Though some part of Theo didn't want to interrupt, he decided to make his presence known. Clearing his throat, he stepped forward.

Zenith froze mid-swing. Theo could see his cape bunching up as his shoulders stiffened. Then he drew in a deep breath and lunged forward once more.

Which confused Theo a little. So he wanted to keep training that badly? "Um, uh," he made himself say. "Good morning, Zenith?"

Zenith landed in a low crouch, shield held before his face. Still not turning around, he said, "Good morning, Theo."

"Er...." Why did this suddenly feel so awkward? It didn't make sense, not when they'd finally become closer than ever. "How are you feeling?"

"I am fine." Unfurling to his feet, Zenith swung his sword to the left. "I spoke to my liege earlier. She gave me permission to leave quarters. I sincerely regret making both her and you worry for me."

"Ah – oh, uh, that's okay." In all honesty, Theo had almost forgotten what had kicked off last night's events. Not when there were far sweeter memories to take their place.

And though he knew it was immature, he felt a little resentful Zenith had spoken to Darian before him this morning. 'Oh, come on!' Hadn't he sworn to stop thinking this way? Besides, he now had solid proof of just how deep Zenith's feelings for him really were.

Didn't he? So why wouldn't Zenith look at him? Why, even though his Levia felt strong and steady, did it seem so strangely cold?

Maybe Theo was worrying about nothing. Maybe he was reading too much into things. Still, he wanted to know for certain – if only for his own peace of mind.

So he gathered all his courage and stammered out, "Uh, about last night...."

Even before he finished, his face burned hot enough to fry bacon on. He could barely hear his own voice above his thundering heartbeat.

But it got a reaction out of Zenith. Once again, the knight stopped his sword mid-swing. Theo felt his Levia waver across the contract, almost like a flash of lightning. Then it hardened again, but it seemed colder than ever.

"Yes," Zenith said. His voice held absolutely no emotion, such a far cry from last night. "I thank you for helping me to perfect our contract."

"Huh?" Theo felt like he'd been socked in the stomach. "What are you talking about?"

Was that seriously how Zenith had seen last night? No way. It couldn't be, it just couldn't. The passion in his voice, the warmth of his hands – that had to mean so much more than just 'perfecting a contract,' didn't it?

But Zenith hadn't said he loved Theo back. At the time Theo hadn't thought it mattered, but maybe...maybe it meant far more than he would have liked.

"I am talking about last night." Zenith's voice sliced through his thoughts, as sharp as his sword. "I behaved disgracefully, but you still saw fit to exchange Levia with me. I cannot thank you enough."

"That's – that's – " Theo could barely push the words out of the lump swelling in his throat. "That's not what I – there was more to it than that."

Zenith jabbed his sword forward again, but the motion was almost halfhearted. "What do you mean?"

"What do you think?" Unable to help himself, Theo raised his voice. "Do you remember what I said to you?"

'Stop this, don't go down this road,' but he'd already started. And he couldn't just leave things alone. He had to know the answer for certain, instead of assuming like an idiot. Even if he had an awful sinking feeling that the answer wouldn't be the one he longed for.

"When I said I – I loved you." He cursed himself inside when his voice cracked. Somehow, it hurt so much to say those words. Last night they had slipped out without a thought; now, he felt like he was tearing them out of his heart. "Do you...do you feel the same way?"

Coward. Even now, he couldn't bring himself to straight-out ask, 'Do you love me too?' He wouldn't be able to stand the pain.

Zenith breathed in sharply. His arm dropped by to his side, the tip of the sword clanging against the deck. Now he wasn't even making a pretense at training, but that gave Theo no comfort.

"No," Zenith said, slow and precise. "I do not."