Guidance

Ameerah’s point of view:

Ignorance is bliss.

I didn’t want to hear anymore. I wished I could block my ears, to not hear even a single more word that came out of my sister’s mouth. I wished I was anywhere but here at the moment. I wanted to run away from her room and pretend that this conversation never even took place, that she never had told me the reason why she had broken apart completely in the past few days.

She kept crying hysterically and I remained glued to my place, not moving, not thinking. I just kept staring at her through my watery eyes. After what seemed like an eternity, she wiped her tears and began again. I kept my eyes on the ground now, and listened to her patiently. I had to be strong for her. I needed to give her the support that she needed so much. She was feeling far worse than I was at the moment, so I had to put up a brave front.

“We sat there hand in hand. After a moment of silence, he turned toward me and cupped my face with his other hand. “Aabira, I really like you. I like spending time with you. You are so beautiful, and sexy and smart.” Even though, I didn’t like the word that he chose for me, I ignored that, and found bliss in his words. I found myself melting at his beautiful voice, his handsome face. I told him that I liked him too. “Really?” he asked me, and leaned in to kiss my cheek. My heart beat fastened and I started to sense what he was thinking. I panicked. He was looking at me intently and in a moment, jerked my head towards him and kissed me. I was taken by surprise. I could not even react at the moment. When I tried to push him back by placing my hands on his chest, he moved back and shock was evident on his face. “What? What’s wrong?” he almost yelled. He was really angry and I got really scared. He then took a deep breath and said, “Look Aabira. I like you and you like me. Please don’t create a fuss now.” He then, kept a hand on the back of my neck, pushing me forward and kissed me again. Tears were welling in my eyes. I didn’t know what to do. Ameerah, I cannot explain how scared I was at the moment. His hand entered my shirt, and I jolted on my seat. I tried to struggle and push him back, but he didn’t even budge. His hand entered deeper and he pulled me closer to him keeping a firm grip on me so that I could not even move. His hand roamed everywhere..” Her voice broke and she started crying again.

“I felt disgusted. I felt so dirty. At that moment, I hated myself with every fiber in my worthless body. With every ounce of strength in me, I pushed him back and got out of the car. He quickly got out too and ran after me. I was crying crazily when he caught up to me. He grabbed me by the arm fiercely and turned me around to face him. “What the hell is your problem? How dare you push me like that?” He was screaming at the top of his voice, as he aggressively grabbed my shoulders. I didn’t even consider to reply or even look at him as I pushed him back really hard. He stumbled backwards as he was not expecting that. I began running and he followed me, all the while calling me dirty names that I can’t repeat. I ran as fast as I could, my heart hammering inside my chest, but he was still faster and when he grabbed me this time, he slapped me hard right across my face. I staggered back and tried to keep my balance when another slap made me lose my balance and fall. It really stung where he had slapped me. It burned, but what hurt more was the fact that this was the guy that I really liked. I was shocked when he had touched me, but I did not expect this from him. He was a disgusting man but I didn’t realize that he was such a violent animal too. I had spent over a month with him, and I never realized that it was a show that he had put up just so that I could willingly let him take advantage of me. When that didn’t happen, it turned him into this wild animal. He squatted down in front me and lifted my chin to look at my face. His face was red with anger. “You bitch! You filthy woman! What were you doing with me all this time? I put up a lame show for you, spent my money on you, was so bloody nice to you and you pay me back like this?” He grabbed my shirt. “You seduced me in these tiny shirts. You drove me crazy, you bloody whore. All this was a plan. I didn’t like you one bit, the disgusting dirty woman that you are. Now, you pretend to be all pure. You are sickening. You need to be taught a lesson.”

He tore open my button-down shirt and slipped it down my arms. Even when I was struggling with all of my strength, it was easy for him. He took the shirt, got up and started walking. “No.” I screamed. He was walking away with it, leaving me almost naked in the middle of the dark road. I tried to cover myself up with my arms and ran after him. “Please give it back. Please. I beg you. Don’t do this. I am begging you.” When I reached him, he turned around and gave me another slap. I did not care about the throbbing pain on my cheek or the warm liquid that dripped down my lips. I kept pulling my shirt from him while trying to cover myself with the other arm. He pushed me hard and I fell on the ground, my elbows scraping the road painfully. He sat in his car and speeded down the road. In a second he was gone and I lay there on the cold hard ground, with blood oozing out of both my elbows and my lips. My hair was all over my face and my cheeks burned with the impact of the slaps. But all of this put together didn’t hurt so much. When I looked down at myself, stripped, bare, uncovered and exposed, it hurt like hell. It was excruciating. I covered myself with my arms and cried as hard as I could. I got up with all the strength that I could muster and sat behind the trunk of a largest tree I could find on the side of the road. It was so dark Ameerah, and so silent.

I called Saadia and asked her to pick me up and bring a shirt with her. She was very confused but she didn’t ask any questions thankfully. She might have gotten a clue judging from my crying voice. She said that she would be there as fast as she could. The ten minutes that she took to get there seemed like eternity. It was dark and quiet and I was alone and exposed. I could hear my heart beating wildly and my whole body shook and trembled. I have never felt fear so great in my life Ameerah. The darkness engulfed me in terror. What I felt cannot be explained in words. I was breathing so heavily that it became difficult for me to even cry any more. I took deeper breaths but the oxygen never seemed to be enough for my body. My throat was dry and I couldn’t even swallow my own saliva. I did not even have that much energy. “You seduced me in these tiny shirts.” His words echoed in my ears. Was it my fault that he was such an animal and couldn’t control himself? How could I have trusted him Ameerah? Am I that stupid? I looked up at the stars and only one thing came to my mind, their Creator, my Maker, Allah. I hugged my knees and rested my head on them, hiding my face. I hid my face in shame. I didn’t ever want to lift it or show it to anyone. I wanted the ground to engulf me so that I won’t have to live with this memory haunting me anymore. A million “if only’s” started coming to my mind. If only I had never gone out with him. If only I had never worn such sleeveless, tiny, fitted revealing shirts. If only I had never trusted a man I had met a month ago and sat in his car. If only I had realized sooner why he was taking this different route.

It was eating me up like a fire eats up wood and turns it into charcoal. I had been reduced to that filth. I had always thought that a girl can wear whatever her heart desires. It was a guy’s fault that he had used his dirty eyes to scan every inch of a girl’s body. When I sat there in the dark alone looking at the stars, I realized that even if I still assume it to be true and it is his fault and I had no part in it, I was the one bearing the consequences of it all. He was gone and he didn’t even care. But I had to live with this horrifying experience for the rest of my life. He might have to answer Allah, but I had to answer my own self too, for all the pain I had caused my own being. I started to recite the first Surah that came to my mind. Surah Fatiha. It was the only Surah that I knew the translation to. I kept reciting it with its translation. I realized for the first time in my entire life how beautiful it was. Rabbil Aalameen! Lord of the worlds, the entire universe. I gaped at the stars and realized how huge it was. Ar Rehmani Raheem! The Most Beneficient, The Most Merciful. I don’t know how I found the strength to cry again, but I cried more and more as I kept reciting it. I felt ashamed of my entire existence, guilty and regretful, I kept asking for His Mercy. The more tears escaped my eyes, the lighter I felt. When Saadia arrived, she was stunned on seeing me like this, but she helped me calm down and didn’t ask any questions. I appreciated her so much for that. She dropped me home, all the while telling me that she was there for me and that I need to relax. She came again the next day and I told her everything. She cried with me and held me when I needed her. I have not missed a single Salah since that day Ameerah in the hope that He forgives me for the shamelessness I kept displaying throughout my life. I think He has, because when I cry to Him, I feel happy. I have never felt more liberated of all my worries except when I sit on that Musallah and talk to Him. He makes me cry so much and that just proves that I am falling more and more in love with Him. He says He loves me too. وَدُودٌ رَحِيمٌ رَبِّي إِنَّ ۚإِلَيْهِ تُوبُوا ثُمَّ رَبَّكُمْ وَاسْتَغْفِرُوا “Seek forgiveness of your Rabb and turn to Him in repentance; for my Rabb is indeed Merciful, Loving.”

I still have nightmares of that horrible night and when I think about it, it sends shivers down my spine and I start sweating and shaking, but if I hadn’t found the support of my Lord in this difficult time, I would have completely lost it.”

She tried to put up a brave front as she smiled, but her tears still kept spilling. I couldn’t stop myself from crying as I enveloped her in a tight hug. I never wanted to let her go. “Why didn’t you tell me Aabira? Why didn’t you call me instead when you were on that road alone? How did you deal with all this alone? I could have been there for you. I would have held you and supported you and cried with you. When did you become so brave and strong? I am so proud of you. You dealt with all of this brilliantly, and I am so glad that you found Allah in the hardest of times, and didn’t lose hope. Pray for me that He guides me too and I find Him too just like you did.” She stroked my back as we both cried, “InshaAllah Ameerah, you will. There is nothing in this universe more beautiful than the relationship between Allah and His slave.”