What was I thinking?

Sitting in the darkest, gloomiest part of my home in Seoul Korea I began to reminisce on how unfortunate my life has been in the past 3 years. How unfair I have had it. I never thought these terrible events would happen to me-I mean no warning, no siren, not even a bell to give me insight on what is to come so I could prepare for it. My fate has been decided, my world crumbling down quicker than time itself. What is a woman like me to do with all of this hurt and frustration? My parents tell me I am cursed, a walking jinx just waiting to inflict pain upon myself. My father is Korean and he believed that curses were the result of bad luck, that God put good luck and bad luck in the world for people to rely on. I have always told my father that luck is never a good sign, but miracles push me further in life. My mother is African American and most of the time when it came down to luck and miracles she just went with the flow of how things would turn out.

She says that we as people can determine our own fate and that if we decide to fail it is because we did not try hard enough to succeed.

In most ways she was correct but I believed that God could save me if I prayed hard enough. How did the step on a crack break your mother's back tie into this? Or a black cat passing under a ladder cause such bad luck? It was so unreal. I pray............almost every night wishing for this evil to leave my body because I know that if it stays, I will surely die.

Sigh yes I am dying, I have a friend living inside of my body that wants to harm me. I am suffering from Acute Myeloid Leukemia, a very dangerous disease that I would never wish upon my worst enemy. I found out about everything when I was in America, my doctor felt the need to reveal this big detail to me while I was already on the path of running away from another event that caused me great pain. He told me to not risk my body doing too many physical activities like skiing, swimming, or motor biking. All of these things would cause my body to tire and my sickness to spread rapidly. I was so distraught when he told me that my mind became all types of discombobulated.

Wow-I was dying-I could not believe my ears. This curse that my parents spoke of must be true because so much was happening, and I am so young, and I have not fulfilled my life's goals all the way down to Z. What was I going to do, at the time I could not think straight of what to do with my life. Things were happening so fast that it was impossible to keep things together. My doctor said at the time that I was not due for chemotherapy yet cause of how my body was reacting to the disease and that it was in a desolate state. It did not mean that it would stay in a desolate state. He said to give it a few weeks before starting the process of chemo-knowing there may be a shot of containing it.

Right now I cannot live it down, I cannot stomach the reality anymore because it hurts so much to be sick. It hurts to know that in any moment my life could end. I want to cry-no matter what I do or say or how much I pray, my fate will probably end on someone's surgery table.

I used to be what my peers called "A Goddess", I was able to handle anything that could talk and walk. Being CEO of a top Industrial Dermatology Organization was a blast and I shined with sheer and utter confidence. I was bombing the charts, no one could touch me or my company because we were pretty much unstoppable. None of the workers hardly glanced my way only holding their gazes upon me for 3 second before turning their heads hoping I did not look their way. I did not think I was intimidating but my co-workers seemed to think I was a witch of some kind. I am not a mean person but I did expect the professionalism in this company. I wanted to listen to reason and hopefully become the best boss anyone could ask for.

But what if that Goddess was thrown off of her throne because of mistreatment? What if every time she came home she did not feel superior anymore? What if her husband gave her the same treatment as a underground naked mole rat?

Sigh, my husband Ren Avery-was one man that I never wanted to see again. No matter how much I still love him deeply. He was a man who ruined me, took my life and stomped it into the ground. I was not worth anything to him and can you believe that I was not worthy to be in the same room as him? Trust and believe the arrogance of Mr. Avery was simply what no one deserved to see. Even though he hurt my feelings I still gave him the benefit of the doubt-blaming his position as CEO at his company-the late night meetings-or sometimes I would blame myself for not being a good wife to him. Of course I knew what it took to be a wife but others have different meanings to the word-------WIFE.

I swear to you my house was Mr. clean eat off the floor clean, there was a home cooked 'Hot Meal' waiting for him every morning and night. I even tried to communicate with him showing him how much I cared. And to top it off I would wear a bit of Lingerie to turn him on. Do you know this man ignored every gesture. I thought I was his ride or die...his Bonnie to my Clyde...Romeo & Juliet...I mean do I have to continue on to get anyone to understand?

I became an insane woman..broken..sick..all because the love of my life felt the need to hurt me. Why? I never understood why it happened to me, why he chose to destroy my self esteem, why he decided to say those UnGodly words to me? Something no man should ever say to his wife-I did not leave because of my sickness, I left because of what my husband did to me...I could not take it anymore and I wanted OUT. Hell I am already dying, I rather die in a peaceful place than a hellish one. That was a year ago though-if he were trying to find me he was not making an effort and I am not the type to be easily found.

After leaving right off the bat, trying to erase any evidence of myself and leaving my job-mission incognito was a success.

He was a cheater and he did not realize that I would catch on so easily. Maybe he wanted to get caught and just did not care about the consequences or maybe he was so sloppy and inexperienced with cheating. I mean I still until this day do not know what he thought was going to happen to him once I found out. Being the ignorant dunce that he is-he had not figured out that I installed cameras into our home in case of burglaries-or in his case "whore intruders".

I just wanted to see if what the wives at our tea parties said were true. I began to notice his change after he attended a sports event that included plenty of women on display and drunk billionaires. I was too dumbfounded to realize what the event was for considering it was for his job and I thought it was strictly white collared. The ladies confirmed after some research when their daughters discussed how the female students at their high school were doing anything for money-they were attending an underground illegal system that made loads of money at night.

The nights would turn into mornings when he got home, that place was his ultimate heaven to get away from real life. And real life to him was me.........what I came to understand but do not simply agree with is that he thought we married too quick...he wanted to still live that bachelor, wild, and seductive lifestyle.

One day while working alone in my office I decided to look at the camera feed to see if anything had changed in the house-the outside garden was okay-the kitchen was spotless(thanks to me)-the living area fine-the front entrance-my eyes stopped in that one particular spot-should I have been surprised? No....but it stunned the hell out of me. A trail of clothing on the floor....clothes I did not recognize making its way up to the staircase. I switch cameras and lay my eyes on the one thing I did not want to see ever in a million years, but lo and behold there it was.......The Cheating Man in the flesh.

He was making love to another woman-he had never done that to me. Actually on our honeymoon the closest we got was a nice swim in the pool but after that....he was completely spaced away from me like I dung on the ground.

My heart and soul was done for, there were no words for the way I was feeling. There was no heartbreak pills, no spell to destroy your cheating husband-no nothing. Nothing but sadness and it took over my entire being-I dropped my head and let the tears flow from my eyes into my lap. With no shame in the way I looked or how I sounded on the outside of my office, I did not care who heard me. They can go to hell for all I cared-this was beyond all the hurt I have ever experienced. Shutting off my computer I had watched enough and could not bear to see my cheating husband shame me any longer. What kind of person does this in the home they share with the wife? What does she have that I do not have?

I had come to a conclusion that I was not going to waste anymore tears on a man that did not love me, I mean what was I thinking when I chose him? I slowly get up from my chair making my way to my car with a new mission on my mind. I was going to leave him.....leave him high and dry onto a new life where people would soon appreciate me. How is it that women with no standards can get all of the men surrounding them but when a woman like me that is a plain jane and she does not dress like she is about to give a show comes around I become a bore to everyone. I have morals and those morals keep me going.................but apparently not good enough for my husband.

Arriving home luck was on my side because his blue 2020 C8 Chevy corvette was still under the garage and she was probably still there as well. He really loved that car more than he loved me, which was not a surprise anyway considering he is cheating on me as I speak.

Using all of my courage I open the front door and make my way up the stairs to our bedroom, passing every piece of clothing they had thrown everywhere. I heard them...saw them....and I hated myself for allowing it to happen. But as a sane person it was better to let things go once you see that no one cares about you....especially the man you would have given up your life for. Putting on my I don't care expression I walk in going straight into my closet for a suitcase-with all the noise that I was making they were startled now and trying to cover themselves up. I ignored them, continuing on to pack my clothing-hoping to get away before he could bait me in again.

"Cammie? What are you doing home so early?"

"What about you? You missed work just to have a good time-but I am not asking you questions." I really should have been asking him what has gotten into him? Like what made him want to cheat on me? I really really really wanted those answers but what would it have mattered? Would it have made me stayed longer....forgave him for his disrespect? Of course not......

"Oh she is just a friend who needed some comfort and I decided to give it to her. Her boyfriend hurt her and I took it upon myself to soothe her bad nerves."

Sure whatever you say

"Okay well....you will be seeing the divorce papers in a few days along with my lawyer. I would hate to break up such a wonderful relationship."

"You see that is what I hate about you Cammie....you never fight for me, you never claimed me for yourself and when you see me obviously cheating on you-you have nothing to say. You just walk out and leave your problems behind. If that is not weak and pathetic then I do not know what is."

"I should not have to fight for what is already supposed to be mine Ren, you are my husband. So why do I have to knock every female out just to keep you by my side? Before we got married all of that should have been decided and proof enough. Yes I am walking away but I rather walk away now than later because if I stayed I know for a fact I would off myself in the future. Will I regret this, yes of course. But I will never regret leaving behind filth. Good look between the two of you-I hope you both have a lovely fairytale."

Removing my ring from my finger I threw it out of my sight. I probably could have been with any decent man on this earth but I ran every man away because I wanted Ren Avery for myself. Does anyone know how it feels to have a broken heart? If you do not, avoid relationships as much as you can. It hurts...this man knew everything about me and yet he did not care. But since I have done what I thought was best I continued to stride down the staircase-I will miss this house-at one time this house was full of love and joy because Ren had just entered his first year as a billionaire and he was honorable and tried his best to make everything work---including us newlyweds. Sometimes he did small things around the house that were well appreciated...he would even apologize when work had him staying over too late. But of course that did not last long at all.

Though I only caught him cheating on me once I knew she was not the only woman he had bedded. I just wish he didn't do this to me, I did not want to cause him any harm...but he did this to himself.

I get back into my car I drive off, almost turning back around to crash into his vehicle. But I have done enough and I needed to run away. Though that was a year ago it seemed like it was yesterday when I suffered so much-and that is also when my doctor gave me the phone call about my sickness. Of course he called me at the worst of times on the road to a peaceful life. During that time I thought my world was already shattered but nothing was keeping me together at this point. What peaceful life was I going to have now? The ship has sailed and I do not know what to do anymore. I had already pulled over my vehicle on the side road crying my eyes out-How many times have I cried today? Am I a baby? A grown baby....I was asking God why did any of this have to happen to me? First my husband deceives me and now I have a fatal disease. Wow....What else could be worse than this? I felt like God was punishing me and I deserved it....I don't deserve to live-I guess my reasons are because of what has happened so far....no one wanted someone like me. Maybe my parents are the only ones that still give a damn about me, and my childhood friend Aaron.



I just wish sigh.....I just wish sometimes I was never born-I know others are suffering through worse things and I hope and pray they can fight through the pain-but this is me and I am fed up with everything. I just do not have anymore fight left in me.

Just as I was about to rain down another set of waterworks I received a phone call from...speaking of the devil.....my friend Aaron. Aaron Yoon-well I see he is not busy today as he was 2 weeks ago. Now he wants to call me back-that scum bag.

Of course I answered him-he IS my best friend you know.

With a husky/hoarse voice I answered the phone..."Hello." I said while sniffling, hoping he did not recognize the change in my voice from crying.

"Cam Cam, what's wrong sweetie? I got your message, did-did he hurt you? I swear if he put his hands on you I am flying to America tonight to beat him down to the ground."

That is what I loved about Aaron-he has been protecting me since we were kids. I remember growing up in Korea a long time ago, I went through a homeschooling system for 16 years because of reasons beyond my knowledge-my parents never told me and I never asked. I just realized my parents kept me in the dark about a lot of things that I have yet to confirm.

Anyways I finally entered high school and once there I felt very uncomfortable-I knew the language but just the fact that everyone treated me differently because of my skin tone. Not in a super bad way actually-I was put on a golden pedestal because of my African American mother. They thought she was an American rapper with the way she carried herself. She was always sporting the short hair styles that made her look sort of like a rock star/rapper. She was bossy and when she wanted something done she did everything in her power to make sure it happened. A rapper's daughter-sounds nice-but the attention was unbearable and hard to deal with. I was not treated like a human being-more along the lines of an idol and I was not fond of it.

Sometimes I would run away and hide from everyone finding a quiet secluded area that I believed no one else knew about. Can you believe the attic in the schools library was the only place that washed away the fear of being noticed and having every angle of your picture taken?

During lunch breaks I found comfort there-wishing all of this buffoonery would dissipate. One evening though while on break I decided once again to eat in the library attic when I heard someone ascend up the steps slowly-there was hardly anywhere to hide or run so I maned up just in case in case it was the librarian and fell eyes on a handsome yet chiseled face. I have seen him before-all of the girls swooned all over him while he ignored them. The guys disliked him and some wanted to be in his place.

He was just as as surprised as I was when he found me up there under the dim lighting. We said a few choice words to each other and I was not afraid to talk to him just because he was charming and gorgeous. He was speaking to me in broken English but he understood me completely. Soon the conversation shifted from English to Korean real fast. Since then we have been best friends and nothing had ever changed. He moved to America with me for 2 years while in college and he caught onto the language so smoothly. Even when he went back to Korea and became the richest and youngest billionaire we never lost contact.

"If I tell you the truth Aaron (sniffs) can I move in with you? I don't think I can stand another minute here anymore."

"Are you really sure that you want to make a big move like that?"

What did I have to lose? I have already lost my first love-and possibly could lose my life-so what are my choices now? Wait it out until I die? No I just cannot do that to myself-my mother always told me as a kid 'Suck it up, life will keep throwing dodge balls at your face but you have to dodge them and move on in the world. No one is going to wait for you, not even time.'

Oh mom, she never ceased to amaze me on how her mind was so different from my fathers-how they fell in love was another mystery.

What I needed in my life for once-just one time-is peace.

"Yes..yes I'm sure." There was a long pause before I heard him speak again.

"I will put you on hold give me a few minutes." That is Aaron for ya..always moving around trying to figure out solutions. We both have been each others shoulder to cry on for such a long time that it was quite natural to vent to him.

I would always get dumped because I expected so much from a guy and Aaron would be the dumpee-no one ever turned him down. I don't even think Aaron has ever loved anyone-maybe an occasional run in or two but I never saw him with the same girl. When he would tire of flaunting his goods around to almost every college senior-he would come to my house pouting about women being the same and why they could not have my attitude-wanting nothing in return. While I would be distraught after a break up I was voicing the exact same words to him. We are one in the same-as friends we always cuddled and spent the nights talking. That was until I met Ren when things began to change-but not our friendship, it was too precious.

"Cammie are you there?"

"I'm here."

"Everything has been taken care of for you-your employers have been notified of your long vacation and someone else will be in charge until your return. Now a lovely care package is being sent to your email as we speak-a plane ticket to Seoul where your vehicle will be waiting for you that you can use whenever wherever-and you will be spending your time at one of my most Favorited resorts Signiel Seoul. Do not worry about paying me back or how much for each night. Just...when you arrive let me know so I can meet you. I want you comfortable-and then you can tell me what happened okay?"







"Okay I am on my way to the Airport now."

PART 2 COMING SOON.....