Chapter 9

What does it feel like

When you want something so bad

But you're too scared to reach for it.

Claire's POV

Who does he think he is? To just make me spend my whole afternoon with him and then just leave like that. I mean who the fuck does that? He didn't ask for my freaking number! This is why I don't like boys. I don't like boys!

I huff pass my mum while slamming the front door; to emphasize my anger. My head is buzzing and my adrenaline is pumping right now. I really need to punch something.

I practically run up the stairs and go into my room to avoid questioning by my mother. I rather not talk to her, than lie to her. I step into my room and I am greeted with an unexpected wave of shock.

"Holy shit!" I exclaim loudly. My heart almost leaping from my chest.

I calm down when I realize it's only Mia. She's crouched down on my reading table, reading one of my Geography textbooks. This girl is honestly the biggest nerd I've met in my entire life.

"What the hell are you doing in my freaking room." I ask while taking off my shoes and my sweat shirt and finally letting my hair down.

"You asked me to meet you here dimwit, remember?" She flashes her phone at me and shows me my text from earlier.

"Shit! I'm sorry I forgot, I went for this stupid support meeting shit my mum signed me up for but I didn't get to attend it cause something came up." She shoots me a 'what happened' look and I shake my head at her. "I'll give you the details later." I say while flopping on to my bed.

"Sooooo?" She turns her chair around so she's facing me, while she folds her leg across each other and stares at me with wide eyes.

"Sooooo?" I say mimicking her.

"How are you Claire." She asks with all seriousness.

"I'm fine, duh. Can't you see how pretty I look?" I say while laughing.

"I'm serious asshole." She says while tossing my book at me. "How are you, really?"

"First of all, owwww" I rub my arm where the book hit and try to act pained.

"Secondly, I know you're serious baby girl, I'm perfectly fine." I sit up right and imitate the position Mia currently has.

"I just turned 17 few months ago, I'm trying to adjust to the fact that my mum is planning to replace my dad with some stranger she met barely 4 years after my dad died. I mean, she doesn't even go to visit his grave anymore. I just recently discovered I have stage 3 brain cancer and I might die after 5 years. I'm meant to be preparing for College or some shit, but I have to battle Cancer and oh, I met this really nice boy today but turns out he just wanted a shoulder to cry on at that very moment. So you see, I'm perfectly hundred percent fine." I say while my tears have already begun soaking my cheek. My life sucks balls.

"Oh you poor thing." Mia says while getting up from her position on the chair. She lays down next to me and lays my head on her chest. "It's gonna be okay, I got you."

She repeats these words into my ears while I grip unto her like she's the last ray of sunshine still peeking out of the sky whilst darkness is threatening to take over.

"Don't let me go okay?" I say admist tears. My own words choking me.

"I promise, I won't." She says to me while she strokes my hair.

Somehow that reassures me, as I finally close my eyes and let her comfort me to sleep.

Niall's POV

"Mom you really have to stop dropping stuff around the house, it's really annoying and I'm tired of getting injuries from broken ceramics."

I stumble into the sitting room while trying to balance the laundry basket and some laundry soap in one arm, while the dust pan filled with the remains of a once ugly vase is in the other arm.

This is the fourth item this woman has broken in the past two days. I threatened to handcuff her hands to her bed post if she dares break any of my stuff, and I mean every word of it. At least I'm glad for this vase she broke. It looked like a freaking clown barfed on it.

"Oh baby, you know I can't help it. My hands seem to have a brain of their own and they just go ahead shaking aimlessly." She says while flopping down on the couch and grabbing a magazine from the coffee table.

"I know, I know. Shit. Don't you think I'm aware hmm? I practically know almost everything about Parkinson's. Just try not to break more stuff okay? And also, never do the dishes."

"Jeez, I've heard. Someone might think you're the adult here and I'm the child." She gets up from the couch and follows me as I make my way to the kitchen.

I throw the broken pieces into the trash while the laundry basket and laundry soap rest on the counter in the kitchen. My mum immediately starts opening cupboards in the kitchen and I already know what she's searching for before I can even turn around to face her.

"It's not even up to 8 in the freaking morning and you already want to take a smoke? You're unbelievable." I grab the cigarette from her hands and tuck it in my hair. No way can she get there.

"But it's so cooolldd. At this rate, all my organs will probably freeze before noon. Just let me take this one hmm? I won't take another. I promise." She makes a sign of the cross over her chest while saying this.

"No.No fucking way. If you're cold, there's coffee and some great tea too.You're not smoking a fucking cigarette. Period."

"Fine." She huffs as she

walks out the kitchen with a banana in her hand.

"What do you want for breakfast!" I yell from the kitchen.

"Squash! Lots of Squash!" She yells back. Is she seriously giggling?

I get some potatoes to begin making the squash and I realize we're almost out of groceries. I get a notepad and begin writing what we need. I'll have to get more potatoes than usual. My mother eats like a horse these days.

She continues to laugh while in the living room. The way she laughs, something about that laugh is familiar and I recall the girl from yesterday. Claire; she said was her name.

I've managed to keep her out of my thoughts all morning and now she's back. I didn't even get her number. Why didn't I get her number?

You were too busy in your feelings, that's why.

That's definitely why. I should at least say thank you to her and tell her to keep what she saw to herself.

Before I can think it through, I'm making my way to the living room to meet my mum.

Temporarily abandoning my grocery list and making breakfast.

"Um mum, are you going for your support meeting shit today?" I ask while tying up my hair into a pony tail. I might need to get a haircut soon.

"Yeah, why?" She says, her eyes still glued to the TV.

"I want to drive you there."

"I was nearly on my knees when I begged you to drive me there yesterday. Why do you wanna drive me there today all of a sudden huh?" Her face spreads into an ugly smirk.

"This city is very busy and you've not been here up to a year. I just want to keep you safe. You can't defend yourself in this state. I'm not arguing about this. When you're ready, call me."

I grab my keys from the counter and slip on my jacket. I need to get those groceries now before I literally run mad thinking of that girl.

"Where are you off to?"

"Groceries. We're out."

" What about my breakfast huh?" She pouts as she asks me.

"Try and take Cereal without breaking any plate okay? I'll be back to make lunch for you."

I walk out of the door before she further protests.

Claire's POV

"Are you sure you're going to be okay by yourself baby? You know I can call Joanne and she will gladly take my shift at the hospital right?"

"I'll be fine mom, and in case anything goes wrong, I'm in a hospital don't forget."

"Are you going for your support meeting today?" She asks hopefully.

"Yes. Yes Mom, I am. If it'll make you happy."

"It'll make me really happy my dear. When you get back we'll talk about why you're stalling the idea of driving okay?"

"Yes, mom." I roll my eyes while I climb down from car. The wind immediately whipping my hair across my face.

Nice try wind, but there's no way in hell I'm tying up my hair today. I'm trying to look presentable today. I even wore skinny jeans with a normal size sweatshirt. I never wear normal size clothing.

Calm your titties girl,we all know why you're doing it.

My subconscious is filing her nails while she talks.

Whatever. I just want to look good, considering the fact that I have limited time on Earth.

I walk into the hospital and once again, the thick smell of antiseptic washes over me and I plug my nose with my fingers. The smell is really nauseating.

The nice nurse from the other day is at the front desk and before I get there, she's already walking up to me.

"How're you doing sweetie?"

"Much better than the last time, thanks for asking."

"Chemo right? Let's get you there."

She leads me through a series of halls and we climb a short flight of stairs before she finally stops at a mauve coloured door.

"This is where you'll be. I'm sure the doctor is inside waiting for you. If you need anything come get me okay?"

"Sure. Thanks."

She walks off the same time I open the door and enter into the room.

"Hello there."

He turns around to face me and I literally try to

grip my jaw from the floor where it has found abode in.

Doctor Alexander is hot, but he is way way hotter. He's like top notch race car driver by day and model by night kind of hot. What's up with this hospital and hot doctors.

Not that I'm complaining or anything.

"I'm Doctor Ryan Ashgrove. I'll be in charge of your Chemotherapy and I'll also be your personal therapist." He smiles at himself while stretching his hands for me to shake.

"I'm Claire. Pretty sure you already know that. And I don't think I'm in need of a therapist. But I might consider just because of you."

"I'm sure you might." He's laughing hard now. "I already like you."

"Are you sure you're meant to be saying that to your patient. It's pretty... unprofessional." I say sharing his laugh and walking to the end of the room.

Look at you flirting with you doctor. Whore!

"Just because I like you, I'll let you have this special massage chair."

"I'm pleased.Thank you." I say while placing my hand on my chest in a flattered manner.

The Doctor begins to plug in shit to my arm while he hums something inaudible. I'm sure I hear both booty and something that sounded like spanking. But I say nothing.

"Here you go, how do you feel?"

"Okay. How does this chair work?"

"I'll turn it on for you."

He turns it on and my tense body immediately relaxes as he continues to watch me with a smile plastered across his face.

** ** **

I'm sure hours have passed and I find myself laughing again at one of his jokes. In that short period, I've found out that he just turned 25. His girlfriend who was a model recently cheated on him with a fish monger from Philippines the last time she was there for a shoot. He lives downtown with his pregnant cat who just loves to sleep all day and his mother is planning to marry a rich business man from Singapore.

His life is pretty funny.

"How long until I'm done with this stuff?"

"When you're ready to go, just say the words." He says while plugging in earphones into his ears.

He's pretty unprofessional.

"What time is it?"

"It's about few minutes after 4."

"Shit. Shit. Triple shit. I have to go now."

"That boy huh?"

Yes, I told him about Niall. But only because he told me so much about himself and I felt it was only right if I told him something about me too.

"Yeah, he might be there. Just in case."

"Take care okay? And come back tomorrow."

"I sure will." I say while slamming the door and listening to him curse from the other side of the door.

** ** **

I arrived at the meeting late and most of the people there were at least in their middle age. I didn't bother to listen to what they were talking about.

They all had yarn and knitting pins with them and were busy knitting shit while I just sat there, counting down the minutes till I would leave there.

Once the meeting is over, I dash out of there faster than the flash did when he tried to save Iris from her death. I just hope he is going to be there when I arrive.

Wait. What am I even going to tell him? What if he doesn't want to talk to me? What if he acts like he doesn't know me? What if he's with his girlfriend? What if he actually doesn't remember me?

Stop being paranoid and just check if he's there. Dumbass.

Right. I half run to the lobby to search for him. The place is almost full as people doing yoga also just closed.

My eyes are everywhere. Scanning the whole room like I'm a superhero searching for a bomb planted somewhere. Please, please just let me see you.

I almost give up when I spot him by the door. He looks carefree with a black T-shirt and black skinny jeans. A black bandana is also tied across his head in an attempt to keep hair from his forehead. He's talking to a woman and she's holding his arm. Taking a closer look, I see she's way older than him. Maybe in her early forties.

Phew. No girlfriend there.

After a while, she pats his arm and walks out of the door. I want to go and meet him but my legs don't want to move. He tugs at his hair and he turns around. Our eyes finally meeting.

He doesn't waste a second as he starts walking up to me. I look around to make sure I'm the one he's walking up to. You can never be too sure.

"Hello Claire." He's smiling at me and his hands are in his pocket.

"Hey Niall" I can't stop the infectious smile on my face.

"So umm...I just wanted to say thank you for being there for me yesterday. You really helped me."

"It's all good, I'd do the same for anyone."

"Yeah." He's swinging his feet across the floor and I'm just standing there with my hands fiddling with my sweatshirt.

This is awkward as hell.

"Is it cool if you keep what happened yesterday between us? I mean, I don't really want anyone to know."

"Do you think I'm a tattletale huh? I have some dignity in me."

"No, no no no. Fuck, no. I don't mean it like that. It's just that..."

"It's okay, I was only joking. Jeez, look at your face. You look like you could cry and take a piss right now." I'm laughing at him.

"Ha ha ha. Real funny." He's laughing too.

" I'll keep your secret on one condition." I'm dead serious now.

" What would that be?" His hands are tugging at his hair. A habit, I guess.

"You'll tell me why you were crying in a storage room."

He places his hands on his hips and stares straight ahead at me. He looks like he's thinking about the offer. But we both know he has no other option.

"Follow me, and I'll show you rather than tell you."

My senses are screaming 'no' at me but my body screams a 'yes'. My feet are moving against my will and I can't seem to stop them. I take his hands and let him lead me outside.

"Show me" I say to him.