Chapter Thirty:

Christmas season is probably the worst. Everyone puts on a front that they're happy when really, they are just putting on a mask that is literally my family's favourite thing to do. I think the only good thing Christmas brings is gifts... oh and the birth of Jesus of course. My parents are super catholic, especially my Dad, so Christmas is a big deal for them. All month we go to church, even though they try to go every week but because of my Father's schedule, it's hard. My Mother keeps reminding my brother and I that it is our first Christmas here and there is a lot to celebrate. There's only a week until Christmas and I've honestly never seen her so excited. She's always loved the day but this year is different, she even forced me to get all my friends gifts... even him.

I got Angelica a purse that she has being eyeing from a local store, Rose perfume, Griffin a bunch of turtlenecks and a pair of jeans that I think he will like, Leandro I spent a little more money on and bought him a pair of shoes I know he really wants and finally him. I don't know why I agreed to do it but I feel like it will make him a little happier, I know times are rough for him right now,  even if he doesn't say anything I can tell. Anyways I have this Polaroid printer and I printed the photo we took on our first date and bought him a couple of shirts and sweaters and also a tape recorder thing for when he goes to Law school he can maybe record notes in class. It's probably stupid and I shouldn't have done it because he wouldn't do it for me but I'm trying to move on and to do that I need to forgive him. Tomorrow I will give them all their gifts after school since all of them will be at Joe's Rose told me and I guess, I can crash their party with Leandro and Angelica... only for a moment.

Sitting in the living room watching Rick and Morty with my Brother, my Mom starts to cuss us out for watching this 'trash' that I find unnecessary.

"I told you to turn it off!" She yells. I hear as she tries to turn up her gay holiday music to cover the sound of our show and to test her I put up the volume almost all the way,

"Maddie, I swear I will break that tv if you do not turn it off!" She threats and I laugh. Ethan gives me a worried look like he thinks she will actually do it,

"Can you be quiet it's fucking Christmas and you're still complaining!" I yell.

"Don't raise your voice with me, remember you're the child and I'm the adult, now turn it off."

"You know, I really can't wait till I'm 18 in ten months and you can't say that. I'm counting down the days!" I call out before shutting off the show. I go the kitchen where my Mom is making cookies and act like that argument never happened,

"Do we have any more cards? I forgot to write one for one of my friends." I ask... of course it's Gabriel I forgot about even though I put the most thought in his gift.

"No only envelopes... sorry sweetie." Just my luck. I see the envelopes that are on the counter and grab one before going back to my room. I sit at my desk and pull out my notebook and gently pull out a piece of line paper that is in it, that fits perfectly in the envelope. I start writing everything I want to say but quickly erasing all the things I shouldn't say. It takes me two hours to decide what to write and one piece of paper turned into two, back and front. Before stapling them I read over what I wrote making sure it was nothing more than friendly,

There's so many things I can say to you, so many things I want to say but I cant even word it. I know you are probably wondering why I went through all this effort to give you a gift and if I'm being honest, I care about giving you yours the most out of all the other ones I got for my friends. Regardless on if were together or not, you were a big part of my life and you deserve the best. You may think that you ruined me like Leandro said but you didn't, really you saved me from a life where I was miserable, rude and really alone even though I had all the friends in the world before I came here and had the intention of having the same life and being the same person that is really pathetic because you wouldn't like her, you would probably make fun of that Maddie honestly. God, you would hate that Maddie more than you hate the current me. I don't know how I had anyone back then even though I know they weren't my friends and Jackson really wasn't my boyfriend, more just someone that wanted to experiment a relationship with their best friend but you were and I thank you for opening my eyes to something more than a reputation.

You might be confused why I got you that tape recorder, I was thinking it would be helpful for when you go to Stanford, you can record the teacher's lessons so if you have a quiz on it or something, you can go back for notes... even though I know without it your going to kick ass. I can't wait to see you on my tv or on instagram as a celebrity lawyer or something cool.

I also added that picture of us just because we were really happy there and maybe seeing it will put a smile on your face and also I wanted to show you we did have a lot of good times even though we did argue. I really hope this does make you happy because God you're annoying when you're not happy, like if Oscar the grouch and Squidward had a baby... you'll definitely be a very good Lawyer since they all seem rude...I'm just joking.

I know a lot about you actually more than you know, I know that you absolutely hate coffee, it doesn't matter if it has ten packs of sugar in it and speaking about sugar, I know you love those pixie sticks and you love music... especially my music even if you don't admit it, anyways I'll stop making you read this probably annoying long note... Marry Christmas Gabriel and Happy New Year,

Maddie.

A single tear drops on on of the papers and eventually it all comes flooding down. I don't want him back but it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. I got my closure but still I cant stop crying over him, I can't fucking stop.

I throw my chair after getting up then collapse on my knees and continue to cry. It's almost a new year and I'm starting it without him and still i'm giving him my all... exactly what he couldn't give me but I'm not him. As much as I would love to say something rude to him and just make his life a living hell that's not me and I care too much about him to do that.

"Maddie, are you okay?!" My Mom yells in a worry.

"Yeah, my laptop just fell off my bed." I lie.

I wipe my tears and get back up, trying to collect myself. Why do I still feel so guilty? I slept with Leandro and I lied to Gabriel about it. I told him that nothing was going on between us when really I slept with the man. I'm not usually the guilty type, I usually don't give a fuck, that's the one thing that I thought never changed about me but also I never been in a situation like this before.

It's Christmas and almost a new year and the end of a decade, My New Years resolution is not to think about any of the men in my life in any sexual, romantic way, more specifically just Gabriel and Leandro. I need to let this go and to let this go I need to get go any feelings that feels nearly impossible.