Chapter 16

Releasing a quiet sigh of boredom, I slowly stir the inedible salad as I stare out of the window. Watching as the pack members enjoy the snow falling, even the few children in the pack are having the time of their lives. It's nice to see them smiling, to see them so genuinely happy, peaceful even.

At the same time, part of me couldn't stand seeing it. I've never been able to enjoy anything, and the love that the families outside are showing to their mates and children, is something I've never experienced. It intrigues me, and saddens me all the same.

The loneliness that weighs on me grows heavier as the days grow colder, winter creeping upon us. Ever since mother slapped me last month, I've been doing exactly as she asked. Instead of embracing the person I was becoming, I've fallen back into my old ways, obeying like a omega.

Hardin noticed, but so far he hasn't asked questions, although it's obvious he wants to. I can tell he's getting irritated with my behaviour, he barely shows up anymore. Too busy with pack work, or dealing with the Elders, or training, or something else to keep him free of my presence.

I'll admit, part of me does miss him, more than I care to admit. I miss having him close, I miss the staring and the way he occasionally invades my personal space. I miss how his eyes darken when he sees me, the way he refuses to allow anyone close to me.

"You know, you don't have to stand back and envy them, you can go out there and have fun too." The familiar sound of Beck echoes behind me.

Like always, he's close by. Seemingly the only person I really talk to now, given that even my brother hasn't answered his calls since last month.

"I've seen their faces when I enter the room, I doubt I'd be welcome." Is my blunt response, knowing Beck doesn't run back and tell Hardin about my attitude day by day.

"They barely know you, perhaps if you actually spend some time with them, their opinions will change." Beck says in a knowing voice.

"I would rather have my spine snapped in half, than befriend a bunch of strangers that mean absolutely nothing to me." I state in a bland tone, the words sounding so wrong in my mouth.

If I enjoy being around the pack, it means I'm adapting, it means I'm disobeying. If I do that, Jackson gets hurt.

I could feel Becks reaction to my words, the silently stunned wolf gives no response to my harshness.

Dropping the salad in the trash, I briskly exit the kitchen and head off upstairs. Beck follows me until I reach the bedroom door, taking his stance outside as I shut the door behind me.

Releasing a heavy sigh, I scrub my face harshly as I head over to the bath. Paying no mind to my surroundings, I press the plug in and turn the tap on, removing my clothing. As I undress, I couldn't help but turn to the mirror, my fingers gently touching the bite in the crook of my neck. The thing that worries me slightly, is the fact that I feel almost nothing as I run my hand on it.

Is it fading? Is the bond withering away because of me? Even though I'd hoped it would happen since he bit me, I felt a little disheartened. I've noticed how disconnected Hardin and I have been, at least before he bothered to seduce me, now there's zero intimacy.

Convincing myself this is for the better, I finish stripping and climb into the bath for a much needed soak.

*

"I painted you a picture daddy!" I say with a huge grin, shyly rocking in my feet even if I can't wait for daddy to see my picture.

Without glancing at it, daddy the picture off me. I feel happy, thinking he's going to keep it and show mommy when she comes home. My smile vanishes when he begins tearing my painting into pieces, not blinking as he does.

"Daddy?" I whisper, heartbroken and confused. Did he not like it?

"Stop fucking calling me daddy, I'm your Alpha." He shouts down at me, tossing my torn up painting at my face.

I gasp, frozen for a second as the paper falls around me.

"Dad- ah!" I scream in shock, pain throbbing through my leg as he boots me.

"Alpha!" He roars at me.

*

I wake to a cold bath, my skin covered in goosebumps. Glancing around, I realise how dark it is and quickly climb out of the chilled water. Speedily wrapping a towel around my half frozen form, I hurry to dry and dress myself into some warm pyjamas.

It's unusual for Hardin to not come to bed, he tends to check in if he's working late on pack work. I assume he hasn't been up, he'd of woken me up and got me out of the bath.

A little worried, I head out of the bedroom and down to the first floor, checking his office first. The house is cold, eerily quiet as everyone sleeps, everyone except myself and Hardin. Next I head to the kitchen, except he's not in there either, leaving me to check every room on the ground floor.

About ten minutes pass before I finally find him. Sweaty, tired and clearly bothered by something, many things.

Leaning against the doorframe to his gym, I silently chew my lip and watch in awe. The way his entire back unwinds and tenses with every brief moment, his stance and posture that shifts with each ragged breath. I could hear his heartbeat, the smell of his sweat, And I silently admire the view.

I've never seen him train, or even work out. Perhaps I don't pay enough attention, as Luka said, maybe I do need to focus on the people around me. Right now, I'm definitely focused.

"You're staring." His deep voice is loud in the silence of the house.

I tense in surprise, not expecting him to have heard me. Then again I should have known he'd sense me searching for him.

"Do you want me to stop?" I ask quietly, tilting my head as I stare at the muscular sweaty back facing me.

Definitely not ugly.

Hardin doesn't answer my question, he didn't need to. I know he enjoys me paying him some attention, even before I started blanking him I never really looked at him, I didn't believe he could be loved.

"Another nightmare?" He asks me, turning my way as he unwraps his fists.

As if I've been doing this my whole life, I find myself walking towards Hardin and removing the wraps for him. His grey eyes burn into the top of my head as I focus on his fists, I could feel his confusion.

"What age did you start training?" I ask curiously, ignoring his previous words.

"Four." Hardin says, still gazing down at me as I hesitantly run my fingers over the scars across his rough knuckles.

Four years old? Isn't that a little young? My parents began training my brother during his eighth year, even then I recall them saying he was young. Alphas begin their training earlier than most, around the age of eleven to thirteen.

One day I'll be expected to give him a pup, when that day comes is Hardin going to begin training as young as four?

"Is that tradition?" I ask, uneasy and frowning, glancing up at him with hesitant eyes.

Hardins grey eyes don't flicker, showing no emotion to my question even if he knows exactly what I'm talking about. I suppose having a say isn't on the books.

"No, but it is required." Hardin responds with very little remorse.

"What if I disagree?" I couldn't help but wonder.

Hardin exhales quietly, slowly. His tense shoulders falling a little, immediately giving me my answer. Sometimes Hardin speaks without speaking, his body language is enough.

"You may disagree, but this decision isn't one I take lightly, and it's not one that will change." Hardin states softly.

He brushes my cheek with his thumb, as if to wipe away an invisible tear. I didn't like his response, because no matter who I ended up with there's no logical explanation as to why a child should need to begin training. While I feel the need to argue, I know that it's pointless, Hardin has the same expression as he did the day I married him.

"What's bothering you?" Hardin quizzes after moment of silence.

Everything.

"Nothing." I tell him.

"Liar."

The silence grows, yet it's strangely comfortable. No one has ever made me feel so on edge, and relaxed at the same time. My greatest fear is the thought of letting him in and him hurting me, or doing something to break my already fragile trust.

"I don't want to talk about it." I whisper to him, placing my hand over his that cups my face so perfectly, so warmly.

I couldn't help but close my eyes, basking in the brief moment of peacefulness. In my soul, deep inside I could feel Hardins confusion, he doesn't understand why I'm acting like this suddenly.

"Then show me." Hardin states in a gentle tone.

"I don't know how to let you in, Hardin, it's like a defence mechanism." I admit, keeping my eyes cast down.

Why is it that I'm not able to show him my mind? The pain is there everyday, the more he pushes mentally the more it hurts. If I could control it, I'd of let him in simply to shut off the pain.

"Why don't we go for a run tomorrow, see if we can coax out of the wolf?" Hardin offers, lifting the subject of my strange mind.

Even though I'm uncertain on a lot of things right now, I find myself nodding in agreement quickly. Hardins grey eyes lighten, turning a shimmering silver that I immediately feel my heart deepening over.

Get a grip, Kalli! I mentally chastise myself, feeling my skin flush a little.

"Will you come to bed?" I blurt out the words, expecting to feel embarrassed, but I didn't. It feels...normal.

Still, Hardin stares at me strangely, his stunned silence louder than words. Say something! My brain cries.

"I...It feels strange sleeping without you." I mumble, clearing my throat when it tightens.

My heart pounds a little, expecting some kind of torment to come from my honesty. Hardin understands what my words mean, I don't have to say that I miss being near him, for him to know. Maybe he misses being near me too?

"We could both use some rest." Hardin exhales, his firm shoulders softening as he guides me out of the training room and back up the steps.

For the first time, I didn't feel awkward, or weary, I wasn't worried or even thinking about all the horrible things he might do to me in the night. Some part of me knows Hardin is different, I can trust him.

Just like that, as if we've known each other our whole lives we climb into the bed. Hardin is clammy with light sweat but I didn't care, my exhaustion smacks me like a truck the second Hardin cradles me to his body. I'll never admit it, but his arms wrap in a blanket of comfort, I couldn't help but feel secure.