Chapter 21

"So...you're married now?" Jackson stares at me with crazy eyes, the eyes that he gives to everyone when he thinks they've lost their goddamn minds.

"It wasn't a choice, I mean, I don't feel like I'm married to him...we've only just started acting like we're not enemies." I say with a small shrug.

I found myself defending the decision Hardin made, the way he went about making me his wasn't exactly nice or comforting to someone who's been beaten her entire life. It's different to have someone else pick at the life I have with Hardin, which doesn't seem like much but to me, it's beginning to feel important.

"So you haven't slept with him then?" Jackson grins at me like a Cheshire Cat.

My cheeks flush. "Not intentionally."

Jackson laughs as he pinches my cheeks, which he knows I hate. Slapping his hands away, I cross my arms and look away, embarrassed almost.

"You're so weird, what do you mean not intentionally?" Jackson chuckles.

"I mean, he kind of...made me want to, after he bit me." I mutter, more awkward than I've been in a long time.

"Wait, he SEDUCED you? Goddamn, Kalli, who are you?" He gasps mockingly, enjoying every second of my awkwardness.

Giving him a shove, I cover my burning cheeks and let out a small groan of annoyance. The thought of having sex with Hardin seems...surreal, even though I know it's happened. I guess I've just never been completely willing with him, so it never really dawned on me that I have in fact slept with him. I've seen him in all his nakedness, I've seen it all, felt it all.

"Are you thinking about it right now?" Jackson whispers to me.

"No." I complain, annoyed by him.

"I just...we haven't mated in a while, and when we did...I kind of just shut my eyes the whole time. It feels weird, knowing what it's like to mate with him, and somehow not knowing because I never really paid attention or cared." I say quietly, frowning at myself.

"Even with the bite you didn't jump at the chance to mate with him?" Jackson asks with a slight frown on his face.

"He can't get in my head, no matter how much I try. He sees glimpses of things, but only when we least expect it, the moments when my guard is up completely he manages to see something." I admit.

It is strange, perhaps he can't get into my head because I'm technically an Alpha. Maybe that's just how it is for me?

"Can I tell you what I think?" Jackson asks.

I roll my eyes and smile. "Like you're not going to anyway."

"True."

"I think that Alpha Hardin took you as leverage, that he married you out of spite and greed. You have stood in the presence of the darkest, most twisted souls since you took your first breath, and instead of destroying you...it made you strong." Jackson says to me.

I open my mouth to protest, but he holds up his hand and stops me. Clearly he isn't done.

"I think there's a lot of reasons he chose you. You were raised without love, without mercy and simple kindness, Alpha Hardin has shown you that and more...otherwise you wouldn't have chosen him too." Jackson states.

"I haven't chosen-"

"You're at your most vulnerable, you want to be alone and fall apart, your guard is bulletproof. In that moment, when you feel stronger than ever...you feel vulnerable, because of him...you let him in because in that split second you've decided that he's earned your trust." Jackson's words sink in deeply.

I didn't want to believe them, but I couldn't help it. What if he's right? When I fought my father, I was ready to get rid of Hardin at the cost of my own freedom, instead I found myself doing the complete opposite. Every time I've pushed him away properly, I've somehow found a reason to seek contact with him, even if it's just a hug, or being next to him. Every time I go to bed, I wonder where he is and when I wake up, I wish he was next to me.

Is it me? Am I truly the only thing keeping Hardin out of my head?

"I'm probably wrong, it's not like I'm a therapist." Jackson muses, shrugging as he grabs the remote and turns his attention to the flatscreen.

I smile weakly. "Yeah." I mutter, my mind a million miles away.

After a while I leave Jackson to watch his shows, and I head off on my own little mission to find some answers. Hardin is willing to answer some questions, but not the ones that explain why he chose me, I need to know. If I'm starting to feel things for him, I want to know if it's real. Some part of me wants a future with him, but I don't want that if he can't even be honest and answer one simple question.

"Why me?"

She stares at me with the same look that Hardin once gave me after I asked the very same question. She's looking at me speechlessly, not surprised at all but far from expecting me to turn up on her doorstep of all people.

"I...I can't answer that." She finally responds. Is she serious?

"Triss, I may not know everything, but I know that the day we were married Hardin had complete faith in you. I'm not blind, he would never have handed me off to someone that he wasn't absolutely sure would keep the day on track." I state in a rather abrupt tone.

"That is completely different, I was just doing my job." Triss scoffs, avoiding my stare.

I may not know her, but I'm familiar with people, and liars. I've grown wise to how differently people act when they're uncomfortable, and Triss definitely is.

"I am tired, I am confused, I'm angry, I have no idea If I can trust the man I'm mated to, I'm Alpha female and have no idea how to be Alpha, I'm currently at war with myself on every thought and decision...so unless you're fine with me going home and taking my frustration out on Hardin, I suggest you answer my fucking question." I speak lowly, biting my tongue so I didn't lash out completely.

Triss looks elsewhere, anywhere except me.

"Alpha Hardin chose you for reasons of his own, all I know is...he was seeing some girl, they'd been on and off for a while but he never wanted to get serious. Then out of the blue he gives me a call, tells me to prepare you a room and plan a wedding for the next day, when I asked him why, he said that the second he could smell your scent something inside of him woke up." Triss explains to me.

I listen, frowning because she told me nothing that makes any sense. Her answer has nothing to do with my question, she's merely assuming it's the response I want.

She doesn't know. I realise, my gut twisting slightly with guilt, and a little anger. If Triss doesn't know, then I doubt anyone does, which means Hardin truly does keep himself to himself. Will he ever tell me?

"Hey, are you alright?" Triss moves closer, her hand pressing against my forehead as she eyes me over with worry.

What is she doing?

"Fine." I scowl, pushing her hand away.

"Kat-"

"I said I'm fine." I grunt, cutting her off quickly.

Rushing to my feet, I briskly exit her house as fast as I had entered, practically sprinting back to the pack house. It felt nice to be outside, to have some sense of freedom after being encaged for so long.

At the same time, the second I stop running the irritable restlessness that I've been feeling lately comes rushing back. What is wrong with me? I've never been rude to someone like that, especially someone that seemed concerned for me.

Deciding to figure it out tomorrow, I make some food and head off to train. The night couldn't come quick enough, and as usual, I fall to sleep alone and wake up the same way. Part of me knows he's here during the night while I sleep, but then again I don't suppose it matters because he's always gone before I wake.