Its over, im coming home

Chapter 47

We were on the plane back home, a week before new years…lord knows that time isn’t on anyone's side, it flys by in the wink of an eye. I watched Mutaq doze off, he worked a lot more harder during this period. We managed to hold of bombers and thugs. After two years, I’ll finally get to taste delicious home-cooked meals, drink delicious tea and live comfortably. I finally understand what it feels like to have nothing, no one. To be fearful of whether you’ll wake up the next day if you’ll get a proper meal, the privilege of sleeping in, vehicles. It was sad that all of that I took for granted especially waking up alive and healthy every day.

The bullet shot still hurt, as well as the scars attained from falling and almost breaking something. I myself had no idea why I was in that field working towards harming another human, I guess only Allah knows why he provided Shaytaan ( the devil)with so much power. The exact same war has been going on for years, I bet no one actually knows why they fighting amongst each other. With a new understanding of privilege, I could finally wholeheartedly make peace with whatever bad, whatever loss or torture I’ve gone through…I regret nothing and my problems are very insignificant compared to those people.

We arrived at the local airport and parted ways. Our final goodbye, me and Mutaq won’t see each other anymore. I was happy that he left all his pain, misery, and hurt back there returning as a different man…Zafar picked me up, speak about public display of affection i thought looking towards the couples at the airport comparing them tour seriousness. I watched him take me home as I gazed upon the city lights with my sweaty clothing, it’s been a while…the stars in the sky weren’t as visible as it was back at the war zone. I was hungry, tired, and afraid.

I arrived home to a home-cooked meal, fresh and warm. It’s been a while since he's cooked for me. I realized that I’ve been making him suffer all along and not doing my duty as a wife. After taking a nice hot bath, who mind you I appreciate since there was hardly any hot water at the base…I joined him for the meal, he heated it, I stuffed myself until I couldn’t breathe. You would understand if you’ve never seen so many delicious dishes in such a long time.

I woke up the next day to breakfast, a kiss on my cheek as I ate watching him. I was finally certain about spending the rest of my life with him.

“ you look a lot better than yesterday.”

“ tell me about it, I was hungry, tired, and smelly. Wonder how you went through all of this frustration home alone.”

“ my dear mother in law cooked a feast for me just so you know…”

“im jealous, ” I say laughing as I fed him some of my food.

~ Elham~

I invited him over for a meal after his arrival, updating him about the software. With a thumbs-up, my day felt extra special. I wasn’t expecting anything more than a smiling face but what he said next shook me.

“ wait, you what…”

“ im asking you to marry me, it would be inappropriate if I asked your parents without your permission. I want to know how you feel about this?”

I looked up at him noticing that he was rather serious, and not willing to do things in a none Islamic way, it felt strange, I pinch myself checking if im dreaming.

“ why would you suddenly want to marry me…”

“ when no one understood how much was weighing my mind down, you never looked down on me.”

“ Mutaq, I...”

He grinned leaving the ring on my table, “I genuinely want you to be my wife think about it okay…” he said walking out.

I grab the box starring at the gem on the ring, funny how he knew my favorite gem cut. Nura did mention how observant he is. I shut the box rushing to the dam nearby i wanted to be with him and make him mine…but he got the wrong message…i did not want to skip on the opportunity of being with a good genuine man though.

Later that day I went to the prison Zayn was serving at, I knew that half my life was spent running away from him…feeling ashamed of being a victim, but if I could make peace with what he put me through I knew that I would definitely be able to set myself free and let go of my grieving.

I sat down in front of him, a barrier in between the both of us. He was slightly skinner with white hairs growing on his beard. He looked down picking up the phone present there.

“ Asalamualilkum, how have you been?” I ask confidently

“ walikumsalam, why’d you come and see me?”

“ I came here to give you my final goodbye, I will no longer hold you captive in my heart…I wish you good Zayn, and I hope when you get out you return to society as a respectful man…who has a conscience.”

“Elham, why would you still wish me good after everything…”

“Im done wishing bad for you, take care im leaving now.”

They cuffed him up and took him back in, I never thought that the man who once brought me joy would be such a stain in my life. I took a cab home, feeling lighter, happier, and a lot more like myself…my past will no longer hold me captive, essentially if someones willing to accept it instead of overlooking it. It doesn't define me, it is a part of me and sometimes it might get me down but it is the reason I am who I am today, I too deserve happiness, a chance at halal(permitted) love, a chance to connect with my loved ones, I don’t want to be second best any more, I refuse to be someone’s second choice…I deserve love!

I burned my journals, journals I spent years documenting in… its not like I want to forget my past but it’s a way of me moving away from it, from now we think positive, write positive… life's too short for me to be dwelling.