I collect myself that’s shattered beneath the moonlight

Before I open the door, I stop to a halt with my face inches away from the wooden door. I look back to the dark empty hallway like I’m expecting someone to be there. But the house itself seems still asleep, along with the people in it.

Even though around this time, my father would take a few days off work, I see him even less often than when he does work. Sometimes I would have to knock on his door several times in a day just to remind him to eat.

I’d come back from school and softly open the door to Gran’s room to find her sound asleep, the curtains drawn, even though it would be the sunniest and brightest day of the week. She is the light in my life, yet still becomes a shadow whenever this time of year would come round: Where everybody is reminded of Aiden. Where everything I see is him.

Even as I look up at the stars now, I think of him. And I think how great it would be if he could see the stars with me too.

I would have done things so differently back then if I knew. I maybe should have whined less that day about how some stupid test was so hard, or let him pat my head one last without insisting I was too grown now for him to treat me like a baby.

In this strange and desolate time of year, the loss becomes ten times more painful and the emptiness becomes even more hollow, but then we all also find it too heavy at same time. We try to selflessly hold that to ourselves instead of sharing the pain, not wanting to spread our different kinds of grief onto the other person.

The house becomes lonely despite everyone being home.

I look down at my snug boots that Joon actually used to wear as a child.

I have unusually very small feet for my height I reckon.

I gently close the door behind me and let the cold air welcome me, waking me up.

I look up to the navy sky with few stars still twinkling in the darkness, challenging the sun’s golden rays that are beginning to peak through, taking over the night to become day again.

I quickly make my way to the bus stop, and wait patiently with my feet up on the bench and my earphones playing Joon's playlist. I’ve never understood his music tastes only until after his death that I learnt to appreciate the classics.

But if someone were to overhear his playlist they'd think he was some old man.

I hop on the bus when it comes with its wheels screeching loudly on the empty road. It's basically deserted with only an old lady in the front, a man in his forties looking like he has early work on a Saturday, and a teen girl with mittens and a bright pink beanie on. I make my way to the back of the bus because that’s where it’s best to sit.

I gaze out the window, with my eyes glazing over every passing tree, people, buildings, until for a long while, it finally descends into a more rural and rustic atmosphere and there are no more big buildings and people to see.

Maybe half an hour passes, then an hour, then an hour becomes two, but the time in my world when I’m thinking of Joon always stays the same.

There’s almost like an unspoken rule in my family to never talk about Joon. But not because we want to forget him, but because his name is too painful to hear and the wonderful memories of him are too painful to bare when he is no longer around to create new ones with us.

But today, I let my thoughts go to him.

"Last stop!" The driver's booming voice causes me to come to my senses, and I glance around the now empty bus. I quickly plant my feet on the ground and make my way off the bus after muttering a 'thanks' to the driver.

I blow a puff of fog from my mouth as my eyes scan the deserted cemetery and all the headstones messily placed on the large rectangular piece of land.

Among them is where my brother lays.

I tuck my white and numb hands into my pockets and slowly walk through the gates that are covered in cobwebs and dust.

It's a big place. People die everyday. But it's easy for me to find him.

I let my feet do all the thinking, because my mind is a blank. It leads me to him, and I sit on a bench in front of his tombstone.

My eyes follow the intricate lines carved on the stone spelling out his name.

KANG TAE-JOON - AIDEN SHIELDS, A WONDERFUL SON, AND AN AMAZING FRIEND.

I can't help but scoff at his description because it’s the most generic, basic shit ever that can never explain nor sum up the kind of person he is.

But then I can never think of any short descriptions that can fully account to his entire being either.

But if it were up to me and to my perspective only, he was someone you couldn’t help but be gravitated to. A warm presence that can light up the streets at night. It was very hard for anyone really to not come up and to just see what this kid is about. He’s like a melody or a sweet scent you mustn’t ignore.

"Joon...." I start. "I’m sorry, I’m here alone again."

I obviously don't wait too long for an answer. Although I sometimes kid myself to believe that he may just appear out of the blue and starts nagging my head off for talking so damn much.

"But you know, Grandma sometimes talks about weird stuff like how she can see you in her dreams." My breath hitches, and my voice is no longer steady. "How come I never see you in my dreams?" I ask quietly.

By now, the sun has fully risen and the sounds of birds chirping fills in his silence.

"You know Mom called me a few weeks ago… Can you believe it?"

My head unconsciously turns to the side where I see a middle aged woman placing flowers on a headstone nearby. Her eyes meet mine, arising with pity as she must have caught me talking to the wind.

I shrink back a little and remain silent until she leaves. "You know, I still don’t get how you survived that god awful school." I let out a laugh. "You totally trolled me, Sevit High is a shit house. You only liked it because you actually liked studying and shit… You fucking nerd... "

A smile is etched onto my face, even though I'm feeling so empty inside.

"I thought I saw you..." I look down, tears forming in my eyes as I recall the boy’s charcoal eyes, his soft voice reminiscent of Joon’s gentle and kind nature. “They’re called Healers. They saved me. At first I thought maybe it was you that saved me, but…” My voice cracks.

I stop talking now as my throat becomes closed up, and my chest tightens. I sob for a long time until I become tired and my head feels a thousand tonnes heavy.

Time passes by slowly here like I’m taking all the remaining time that the people who have died could have had.

Night falls by the time I’ve regained some energy to get up and finally packed my things. It honestly could be mistaken as a picnic in a graveyard as I’m rolling up my blanket and shoving it into my bag.

I stand up in front of Joon.

Something sparks within me, and that hollowness inside me is replaced with determination. "The Healers… I will find out who they are. "

My throat closes, a sign that I may start crying now. But I honestly don't want to start this cycle over again or I won’t be home until tomorrow morning.

"I love you Joon. My brother." I chuckle quietly. “I think you’re doing well wherever you are. I’ll try my best to do well too.”

And for a long moment, my own words bring comfort.

As soon as I hop off the bus, someone was already waiting, camouflaged with the shadows. I gulp but trudge along the path, making sure my footsteps are quiet so that I don't attract any unwanted attention.

My heart nearly leaps out of my chest as I hear a crunch of a footstep grounding on the dirt near a closed shop. I stagger backwards and hold my breath. I rub my eyes and try to make out a dark figure lurking in the shadows.

"Hello?" I say hoarsely.

No reply.

I gasp, as the most awful thought enters my mind, making the hairs on my arm stand. "You perv, back off!" My hands fumble into my bag for my pepper spray that I purchased after I nearly basically died.

"What?" I jump back at the deep voice that echoes back, bringing memories of the night before but not ones where I was afraid and hurt, but when I was finally safe and warm.

I adjust my bag over my shoulders again and mutter to myself stupidly. "You're Healer aren't you?"

“Well I sure ain’t Slender Man,” He replies.

Dumbass -is the first thing I think as a response to his sassy remark, his tone full of chagrin that knows how to agitate me is a big give-away and has validated my suspicions. From now on, I've decided to fully trust my instincts, but still play along with his act.

"You have no idea how glad I am to see you," I admit. I've noticed how he's always facing away from the light and always engulfed in the shadows instead, which makes it hard for me to make out his whole face.

"Likewise." Sure his voice is deep, but there's something in it that gives me a sense that there's something fake. Like he can't talk without trying. His voice doesn't roll off too naturally and sometimes he coughs or clears his throat to play off something that I don't quite catch.

"I honestly thought I’d never see you again" I say conversationally, as we begin heading on a path. He's wearing that dark hat and mouth mask again, standing to the left away from the yellow street lights and under the shadows of houses and trees.

He chuckles, the sound enhancing the smile playing on my lips as I stay looking forward, trying to hide it with my hair. "You want to see us again?" He asks softly.

I don't have to break my eyes away from the concrete and face him to know that he's looking at me.

I nod. "Of course!" I say lightly, wrapping my arms around myself. My eyes sneak a glance at him, but I can't decipher his expression, hidden in so many layers of fabric, and walls of steel.

"Well now that you seem okay again, don’t be stupid and make us come to your rescue again."

Despite his cold answer, I find myself chuckling a bit. I must sound so weak right now. Like a needy little girl who needs a prince to save her. He’s already seen the worst and the weakest points of me.

I find myself wondering why they're doing this, if everything they have revealed up to now is true about our society. Why is the son of JB Company going around exposing his own people?

Perhaps my judgement of him is misconstrued, and for the first time, I doubt myself. I recall the heated argument I’d had with Jace and his friends and I slap a hand to my forehead. If they really are Healers, I had just insulted my own saviours and presented myself as an ‘ungrateful bitch’.

"What is it?" This shatters me from my thoughts, and with a jerk of my hand, I finally notice now that I'm standing beside my own mailbox in front of my own house.

"Um..." My mind drifts to the Asian guy in Healer, the one that looks like my brother, the one named Kai but goes by Joon as Healer. “Where are the other guys? I want to see them again too.”

"Arden-" He takes a long pause, and I turn my body to directly face him. I can only see the light shadows of his lashes underneath the cap, and his nose. "You are only a passing girl that needed our help but our job isn’t to rescue little girls. We don’t do that."

Arden. He called me Arden once again. Now that he's right in front of me, and it's only 8 pm, with no fear that he's going to just disappear into thin air again, I’ve decided to drop the charades and confront him.

"My name. How do you know it?"

His whole body tenses under his dark clothing, and he mistakenly tilts his head up with the faded yellow rays of the street lights casting a streak to his eyes, that are now finally visible to me.

One name comes to mind, when I catch gold.

“You’re Jace. Jace Archer.”

He doesn't say anything at first. And I don't expect him to say anything extravagant or even give a reply at all.

"And so what if I am?” He asks briskly. This reminds me of when I bumped into him in the toilets. He had said the same thing.

His response throws me a bit off guard. Out of every outcome and scenario that was replaying in my head, I didn't expect him to sound so confident in his denial. I can’t help but be annoyed, especially after our confrontation last time at school.

He takes slow and precise steps toward me so that he's only a few inches away. I hold my breath, as I feel his body heat radiating, and start to hear the rapid beating of my heart pounding in my ears.

"But what if I'm not?" He counters, his voice slightly coarser than normal.

"Not what?" I whisper, lifting my head up more and leaning back as he presses his head forward. I grit my teeth and purse my lips at our close proximity. I can clearly see the fabric of his mouth mask, his clear skin, strobed with golden highlights from the streetlights, and a small darker decorative cross on his black cap.

Everything seems to be magnified.Yet his face still can't be deciphered.

"What are you going to do if I'm not Jace? You can't go around carelessly with that mouth." I can sense his body tensing at our close proximity, and the edge to his normally smooth voice is clear.

I can feel my body heat it up with rage at this cat and mouse and game. This was just going in circles with no end, and I need answers. “You can stop it now Jace: This act.”

"Forget this." He turns around but not before I catch a streak of golden light underneath his cap that just seems to symbolise a glimmer of hope.

"Why’d you come then?" I ask, shakily, afraid that he will just disappear before my eyes again. "If you wanted me to forget, why come?"

He doesn't say anything as I anxiously wait for a reply. He slowly raises his hands, and reaches out to me. His arm hangs in the air, hovering just near my face.

"I wanted to know how you were with what happened. " His voice rolls out in a deep wave, and I hold in my breath at his sudden gentleness. “It must have been traumatising.”

"I only feel sorry. I feel bad that because of me, your reputation is even worse now and that you're branded as these bad guys." I scrunch up my face in chagrin and he chuckles deeply, the sound coming from deep within.

"Worry about yourself," He replies sternly. "Don't even think about us."

I sigh and hug myself as a cold wind blows through the window that tickles my skin, lining goosebumps all over my bare arms. "Jace, I just want to help." He doesn't reply, but his eyes remain glued on me.

He takes a hesitant step closer. "You want to help? Learn to stand on your own two feet."

“Why do you keep making me more pathetic!” I grit my teeth in anger, my face going scarlet. “You’re trying to bite more than you can chew. You’re gonna get caught.”

“You have no business in this, whether we get caught or not!” He turns to leave just as we have arrived at my house.

"Wait!" I try to lower my voice, afraid that Grams or Dad would hear. "Will I see you again?"

He freezes with his broad back to me. "This will be the last time you see me."

As healers….

And then he disappears into the night. It was almost like a dream like he was never even here at all.

____

Kind of a sad chapter.... Hope you'll rate my writing skills here! I'd like to see what you think of how I conveyed Arden's grief :(

What do you think of Jace?

MMmmm do ya'll ship or nah...?