I know now

I know now that I never was strong. I wanted to be though to protect myself, and I just acted that way. I am weak, and after what happened to me yesterday, I believe that I am more vulnerable than I was before.

This morning I woke up from my deep sleep even though I wasn't sleeping. I was blacking out. When I woke up, I felt that it happened only minutes ago, while it was the entire night. It's getting harder and harder to live like that. If I were the coward I was before, I would end all of this, but I am only coward enough to harm myself. Will this stop one day?

I’ll keep my interaction to a minimum with the guys. Even it's impossible because you can't ignore five guys. Oh, forget the fifth is not to count because he's the one that'll ignore me. It was crystal clear that he wants nothing to do with me after I finish helping him. So, yeah, only four. Plus, who would like to have a crazy person who sees her dad as a spirit, have an evil voice in her head -the owner of the sound is the monster she watches every night in her nightmare- and hates rain because it brings her pain close. Yet as a friend. Oof, these are many layers that prove to me I am bound to live a lonely life, only me and my crazy brain.

Today is Sunday, the last day of the spring break. I am now in front of their dorm. I am early, but I want to end this quickly to practice alone. I rang the bell and waited for someone to come and save me from the cold. It's spring but still freezing. The weather hates me too.

"Liam! I love you!" I half-shouted, waiting for him to get out of my way so I can go in.

"Really?" "No, let me in, or I'll turn to a snowman," He frowns at my response.

"You're confirming what they're saying about you at school," He said, frowning handing me a cup of coffee. I can kiss him for it, but, yeah, not happening.

“If you to believe what they say, then okay. I will explain nothing,” Liam eyed me for minutes while I was sipping my coffee. “I wanted to apologize for the last time. I was a jerk,” He said, scratching the back of his head. “NO hard feelings.”

"You can get nice," I rolled my eyes at this remark." Don't judge, man. You don't even know me." "Girl, your bitchy character is well known at the school," He said. Will he keep mentioning school? I am trying not to be a bitch now, and he's provoking me. Doesn't he see that he's a jerk now? I’ve had enough drama yesterday. I don’t need to get on a fight. I may not care at school but don’t keep mentioning people hating me for my character.

"In that school, I am your senior, so show some respect," I snapped. I can’t believe that I just said that! "You know that I am a year older than you, right?" He asked, amused.

"I am soon going to be nineteen. That makes it only months older than me." "Never thought that you go by the age's manners!" Not him now. I am in a foul mood already. Why did I disrespect my teacher before? To put barriers! And I need them now so they can leave me alone. Agh, I am embarrassed, I hate that.

"You look cute with a tomato face," Liam giggled. "I remember you saying the elderly respect doesn't work with you?" Daniel is teasing me now. Note my sarcasm.

"Okay, I won’t talk about respect, happy now?" I snapped to the amused guys in front of me. Glad that I am entertaining them. "Good morning, everyone." That was Ethan, followed by Adam. The two were still in their pajamas pants and t-shirts. I swear if I were a hormonal girl, I would've been drooling now at their appearances. Anyway, they're looking like you snatched them out of pajamas ads.

"Sarah, you're fuming. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?" Adam asked innocently and was responded not by me but by Daniel, and Liam laughter. These two are enjoying this much than it should be. They're getting comfortable in teasing me, and I don't like that. I was sitting in a chair in front of one of the kitchen's counters. I glare at them, Daniel grinned at me and turned to the refrigerator getting items out of it.

"Sarah, do you like bacon?" He asked. "No, and I don't eat pork products. Where is Noah, by the way?" I asked. He's the only one that didn't show up. "He had to visit his dad yesterday. He'll be here soon," Adam answered.

"Then I have nothing to do sitting here. I'll go out, call me when Noah is here," I said, grabbing my bag. Yeah, I am playing the same drama scene — the one of grabbing the bag and getting out if you don't remember.

That was humiliating, and they enjoyed me feeling like that. I hate when someone points on my mistakes and waits for me to admit them, especially if they're silly like that.

I scrolled next their dorm building four minutes until I found a park full of moms with their kids. That brought the smile in my lips. It's been a long time that I didn't see a park which has people sitting with their kids playing in it. I spot a bench where no one sitting in and immediately went to sit there. I took my favorite book from my bag and started directly reading it.

I've been reading this book for the fourth time now. I always go back to it, and I always find new stuff that I didn't pay attention to in the first read. It's Herman Hesse's Demian. It's an influential book, I travel to another dimension reading it. I love how complicated Sinclair's youth and his friendship with Demian.

"You still love to read in a park." I turned to a smiling Ethan behind me. Gosh, how much I missed that smile. "Yeah, always the perfect place."

“You know the guys we're just kidding with you, right?” He was waiting for me to agree. “I hate someone to mock me, and you know that.” I huffed. “I do, they're just getting comfortable with you. It shows that they're welcoming me to the family,” And I don't want that. A particular person wouldn't like that too.

"You exhale like a dragon with no fire, what's happening?" He worriedly asked. I felt the warmth from the concerned face he's giving me. It shows that he cares like back in the days. I'll be tired of nightmares, and he'll come to me and hug me without even asking. I couldn't tell him back then, and I can't do it now too.

"Sarah, are you okay?" "Yeah, I am. I am just tired from working all night for the music sheets." I said, assuring him.

"I am glad that you're trying. I can't imagine you lived four years without piano keys under your fingers," He said awkwardly like with every word he said realizes that he shouldn't know it.

"Well, I did," I said. "The guys are lucky to meet you. It's good that you know Daniel and Adam before. We can all be friends now." These words brought me a frown on the face. He was there when Noah said the opposite of this.

"Well, not everyone is happy for me to be there," I matured. "What are you talking about, Sarah?" His face has a mix of sadness and confusion.

"Don't kid me, Ethan! I heard Noah saying that I am not welcomed after the ball," I yelled.

His face drained from the blood. He grabs me by my shoulders, "How much did you hear?" He asked in urgency.

"I didn't hear more than that. I am not the kind that listens behind the doors," I said, frowning. Ethan sighed and said, "Look, I don't want to give you a vague answer, but I have to. Noah is not a bad guy. We're only in a tough place to let someone in, and he was reminding us of that. He doesn't want anyone of us to get hurt, including you. That's why. I can't tell you much, but you'll know soon, and know that you are always welcome between us. We have to take care of our problems so you can be safe between us," He said with a small warm smile on his face. His words were confusing as Daniel's last time. I can go with that. I won't ask anymore since I'll go at the end of the week, anyway. The only person I needed will stay next to me this time, and I am satisfied with it. I'll have him next to me like the old days.

Ethan took me in his embrace, and I relaxed on it. It didn't last for long since a voice had interrupted it, "What's going on here?"