The First Time I Hold You In My Arms

The First Time I Hold You In My Arms

"YOU...Mr. Robinson are family. And it is not true that you don't have any parents because you have one. And it's more than enough like anybody else".

~Diamond Christensen

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I went home right straight away because of that. I was tightly holding the steering wheel of my car while driving and was holding up this anger in me.

When I got home, my annoying maid welcomed me again with her usual greetings and that smiling face of hers. I just ignored her and went directly to my room. I locked up myself there and uneasiness began to arise.

Alright, I didn't have a Mom and she's pointing out that her life was happy because her family was complete and I, I only had my grandfather. I started bursting out and threw my pillows and all my things all over my room.

Shit my Mom! Shit that girl! And shit that maid!

It was so painful that after all those years she never came back to see me or to ask me if I am okay. That was why I really hated the kind of mother she was, an irresponsible and useless mother.

I knew that it was a long time ago when she didn't care for me but the pains were not healed. It was still here. Over and over, it was still the same when she left me and never reached for me. It's been ten years now and I still didn't get a glimpse of where she was.

I was only eight at that time when she left me in my grand father's custody after my dad died. I had a complete family back then when I was growing.

Those times where my precious days, I smiled a lot, I laughed so much and I enjoyed life surrounding me with my parents. Together with Mom and Dad, we were living happily and completely until Dad had experienced the pains of his illness. That was the start how my life became a total mess and disarrayed.

My Dad was hospitalized and almost my Mom's time used to stay and lived in the hospital just to take care for my father. And I was studying grade three that time.

Then one day, my grand father appeared. He helped a lot with hospital expenses and never left my father's side.

After my father died, he took me and raised me when my useless mother left me.

My room was in total chaos because of these uncontrolled tantrums. I didn't shed any tears because real men don't cry. I was just letting myself to ease the pains and the burden caused by my mother.

I didn't experience that mother's love for a long time and I didn't want to frustrate myself with this kind of stuffs.

Really! She's useless after all.

~

It was evening night when my boss didn't go down to eat his dinner. I was worried that he will sleep with an empty stomach so I delivered his dinner to his room. I knocked at his door but there was no response inside. I held the doorknob of his door and it was unlock so I forced myself to come inside without his permission.

As I entered his room, I was surprised that I saw this total mess. Everything was scattered on the floor. Did he go wild and out of control? But what really happened here?

"Why are you here?" He welcomed me and he was angrily staring at me.

I was holding the tray for his dinner and put it at the console table near in his bed. "I bring your dinner Sir Hans". I just replied and calmed down myself. I'm not still used to his temper but it was not the first time he was like this. "Calm down Dia. Calm down". I spoke to myself to seize the situation right now.

"Can you leave me alone? Your face irritates me more!" He angrily uttered again and threw insults at me.

I started to pick up the pillows on the floor and put everything in order. I tried to compose myself in this situation and never let his anger reached me.

"I-I'm sorry for having an annoying face Sir but I cannot leave you like this. I don't know the reasons why it turned to be like this but I-I won't leave you". I sincerely said.

"Why? Because you're pitying me that I don't have any parents?" As he shouted me and casted away the small figurines in his cabinet.

It was vague but now I understand something bad happened that's why he mentioned those words.

"I don't have any intention to do that Sir". I spoke out in my mind and my heartbeats palpitated faster. "YOU...Mr. Robinson are family. And it is not true that you don't have any parents because you have one. And it's more than enough like anybody else".

I stared at him and slowly taking steps to move closer to him. He was leaning on the wall of his room and as I started to come closer I saw how he suffered because of his mother's leaving.

"She left me that's why I really hated her". His voice cracked like he was began to cry in a moment.

"You are not alone this time Sir Hans". I held him in my arms and comforted him to what burdens that made him feel heavily.

"She left me and never came back. I was only eight at that time but it was still clear to me how she never cared for me and left me. She was useless, she's worthless. Damn HER!"

I can feel his pains on my shoulders and I can feel the heavy baggages he kept for a long time.

"That's enough Sir Hans. I promised I will never leave you". I sincerely said and slowly tapped his back to comfort him from being in pained.

He cried on my shoulders and I began to feel this ache at my back as he was tightly grabbing it because of anger, pains and scars from the past. It was hurtful but it was tolerable.

And in that moment, I witnessed how Sir Hans broke down and I saw his other side. That side of him was in pained.

◇

Earlier in the morning, Mrs. Howard woke me up because my boss was requesting me. After changing, I directly went to his room and I saw him holding his phone.

"Good morning Sir Hans". I greeted him in a sleepy manner because it was not my wake up time. It was three in the morning yet he was not asleep.

He stared at me with his dewy eyes and pointing something using his fingers.

"W-What Sir. Do you want me to sleep here?" I asked because I didn't what he was imploring.

"Wake up, you're dreaming!" And he began to get annoy.

"Yes Sir, I had a dream that I was in your room and I held you in my arms because your cryi-"

"Cut that shit! I'm hungry and you didn't feed me last night. You're irresponsible for not taking care of me".

"N-No way". Afterall I forgot his dinner and he was pointing awhile ago about the cold food in his console table. Crap, why I didn't notice it last night. My nerve cells were now active and-"M-My apologies Sir Hans. You're right I'm an irresponsible maid and I didn't care for you so please don't kick me out. Please!" I bowed down my head in a lowest thing as possible and asked for his forgiveness because of my irresponsiblity.

"Are you a gymnast? Why are you bowing like that as if your head will bump the floor. Annoying!". He said and grinned his teeth.

I didn't see that but I cannot feel this heavy aura in his room anymore and the frightening feeling vanished between us not like the first time I met him.

"I'm sorry Sir Hans". I covered up my face because I'm so shy for my foolishness.

"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. You're really an annoying maid. Hurry up. I'm really hungry right now and I want that buttered chicken and that soup". He made his request and my heart was so very happy after hearing what he desired to eat.

"At your service Sir Hans". I hurriedly came rushing to the kitchen and cooked the food he requested.

That buttered chicken and soup was my favorite and it was my mother who cooked it. I knew all the recipes in making that because I asked Mom last time about it and I assured that it will be the same taste like my Mom.

I'm really happy that Sir Hans was appreciative and I can see these steady changes day by day.

After a few minutes, I brought the food in his room and when he smelled it he began to get excited. I served it in his bed and he started to freziedly eat it.

"Enjoy your dinner Sir Hans".

I was standing in his side watching him enjoying the food I made and my lips formed a smile how his personality changed as days gone by. He was still grumpy and fussy but I'm adjusting to it and I can handle it.

"Tomorrow will be a national holiday and the President declared it. After breakfast meet me up in the library of the mansion. I need you to accompany me there". He said while still enjoying his food.

"A-Accompany you? B-but what does it mean Sir Hans. Are you locking me there because I forgot to feed you?" I'm so nervous because he didn't make a request like that before.

"Stop imagining weird things. I know you're IQ is slow and all you can do is to clean my room and make my food. That's all but don't act a fool in front of me. You really are something".

"I'M SORRY SIR HANS". I loudly apologized and bowed down my head.

"Forget it. I'm done eating". He was licking the sauce of buttered chicken in his finger and that was the cute side of him.

Not all men can do like that but Sir Hans was not aware of it and I found it cute. I set aside the tray and cleaned the leftovers in his bed. I went back to the kitchen and did wash the dishes.

Things maybe rough and hard at the start but I was starting to see how steady changes were now slowly happening. And it was sluggishly happening in front of me.