Internal conflict

Carina.

People tell her she came from a tyrant family, and so she is born a tyrant. But I think she's my own goddess. She has the wisdom, care and warmth of a mother who watch over her people. She's gentle and caring. People misunderstood her as someone with evil intentions when she is just someone who's smart and cautious.

But I always felt like Carina will go away someday. I can see it in her eyes. It feels like she is staying because she has to, not because she wants to. It is as if it's a passing duty, a momentary feeling.

And I hate it.

I love the idea of eternity. Foreverness. A constant state of nothing. To be forever, with someone, gives me great ease. The idea of that with Carina intrigued me. I don't know this feeling yet, but the past few months wanted to make me explore those feelings.

When I saw her on the ballroom, my first instinct is to kiss her hand like a gentleman and asked for a dance, but my body says no and acts like a child by hugging her. It hurts my pride, and it hurts my unconsciousness more, because my body doesn't follow my mind. Everything in my body is antagonistic with each other. Nothing is harmonized.

My head feels like it splits into two.

In my semi-consciousness, I heard the voices of Carina and my mother. "What is the meaning of this Uld? What else are you hiding?," Carina's voice spoke. She sounded stern. It's hard to say she's angry because she's always calm on the inside and outside. But at this moment, she spoke with anger.

"Lady Carina, I am not ready yet,"

Carina sighed as she sat beside me and placed her cold hand on my forehead. I can feel her warmth. "Ah, can you be a little closer?," but my voice could not reach out.

"You did not tell me. You did not even tell Demetrius. The people around you could not help if you leave things as they are,"

My mother screamed, "stop! Just stop! I am stressed as it is!,". It was the first time I heard my mother outburst like that.

"My lady, please calm down. Master...ah..Lady Carina's intention is only to help," Demetrius consoled.

Mother really did go through a lot, but she's bad at trusting others. That's why she's so uptight and feel vulnerable. Maybe that's why my mother has this sudden outburst when Carina is here. The help is overwhelming for her.

I wanted to tell her that it's fine.

"Please wake up. At least move a finger," I thought, but nothing moved. I became frustrated.

Carina noticed that I grunted because I was trying to move. She caressed my cheek gently. I wanted to hold her hand so badly, but I couldn't.

"Sir Demetrius, please leave us alone for a moment. I need to talk privately," Carina said.

And that was the last thing I heard because my consciousness fades away.