Episode X - I...

Just then, I felt a nearby canvas hit me in the head.

"Oh my God! I hate you, Andy!"

The mature aura that had surrounded Alice had evaporated. She held a canvas in both hands and swung it at me again, shouting at me with tears in her eyes. "Hate you, hate you, hate yoooou!"

"Hey, Alice, try to be careful with that. Guess I've got no choice." Melanie flipped the picture around.

Alice stopped hitting me and we both leaned forward to examine it.

The picture showed three boys and two girls dressed in the school's old uniforms before they'd changed styles. The boy with the brashly confident expression was Guy, the intellectual-looking boy in the glasses was Stephen, and the strong-willed beauty was Reona. The pale, slender girl in the center was probably Marianna Salvi. And the boy shyly holding Marianna's hand was Anthony Flavier.

Long bangs fell across his face, and he wore a serene smile on his girlish face.

He was taller and looked more grown-up than me. But other than that…

I gulped in surprise. Alice's eyes went wide, too. "He looks exactly like you, Andy…"

It was true: Anthony Flavier looked so much like me he could have been my uncle or even my older brother.

When I think back to how S and I became closer, I see it was an odd thing.

At first, S hated me and would glare at me and speak sharply.

Even when I donned my clown costume and everyone laughed, S alone watched me in irritation.

S saw through everything.

That thought chilled me to the core and caused me such dismay that I could have grovelled, dragging my belly over the ground like a dog.

And so I insinuated myself with S, acting even more foolish, even more incompetent, even more submissive, in my attempt to mold S's opinion of me.

S did begin to laugh at me, almost in resignation. Perhaps it was out of pity. I crept ever closer to S, worshipped, and swore my false allegiance to S. To our friends, we thus became the master and the slave.

But the fact that S was my enemy never changed.

Sometimes S would condemn my clowning with a pitying look or an indifferent attitude. When S told me outright that I was lying, I felt as if a chasm yawned open at my feet and I was about to tumble in headlong.

Had I sinned? By being born in this wretched body that contained no human emotion? Incapable of grief or adoration, I had merely staged a dangerous performance. Was all of that my fault? Yes, I suppose it must have been.

Sin has been a part of me since birth; I am Cain wearing his brother's skin. Why shouldn't I be reproached for that? Whatever I do, I can only suffer.

What does S want from me? To stop acting the clown?

To reveal my monstrosity to the world and suffer the stones they would hurl at me?

But S knows nothing! Not the pain that burns through the body of a person born as a monster, nor the fear. S knows none of it—none of it!

Just now I felt such powerful hatred for S's "righteousness" that I choked with its heat.

How much did Janella know about Anthony Flavier?

The next day, I sat at my desk during the third-period break and thought about everything that had happened.

Janella hadn't come to see me again today.

What in the world had she been thinking? What had she hoped to achieve?

And why had Anthony Flavier committed suicide after his girlfriend's death?

When I'd read his second suicide note, I was struck by how much he ha suffered because of the shallowness of his affection for other people.

If it wasn't the death of his girlfriend, then what had convinced him to kill himself?

I didn't really understand the part of his letter where he talked about killing someone.

He might have written that because he felt some responsibility for Marianna's death, but it read as if he had witnessed someone else's death firsthand.

It was hopeless. There were too many mysteries. Maybe there was a second installment somewhere, like in Never Been Human. Maybe it would be stuck inside another of Crumbling's books. But no, if that were the case, someone would have already found it. Wait for a second…

A question suddenly occurred to me.

Janella said that she found Anthony's letter inside a copy of Never Been Human.

But Anthony had jumped to his death ten years ago.

Wasn't it strange that the letter had escaped notice for ten whole years?

People must have been borrowing Never Been Human all the time, too.

I felt someone's eyes on me and looked up.

Abegail was standing right in front of me, glaring. It looked like she had something to say to me.

"My change?" she snapped. "Huh?"

"You haven't paid back my ten francs yet." "Oh! Uh, sorry."

I'd forgotten all about it. I dug my wallet out frantically, but unfortunately, I didn't have a ten-franc coin. "Umm…"

"It's fine. Later."

"Sorry…"

Well, that was totally awkward. But seriously, why wouldn't she just get over ten francs?

Abegail didn't move, so I guess there was more she wanted to unload on me. Her Nellaks were flushed, and she kept shifting her eyes around, looking torn. Finally, she burst out,

"Hey, did you know that Janella is going out with a first-year boy? I hear they're all over each other."

"Wha—?"

I gaped, and Abegail went on coolly. "It's true. I asked a first-year at the student council. They've been together since April, and they eat lunch together in the yard every day. I guess she was two-timing you, Inoue. Oh, but you and Janella weren't dating, were you? So I guess you wouldn't care."

"Thanks for letting me know."

Abegail was surprised. I'm sure I must have had a scary look on my face.

The bell rang and Abegail reminded me once more about returning her ten francs before she all but ran away. She looked as though she was on the verge of tears, but I didn't have time to worry about that.

So Janella was dating a first-year boy? What was going on?

I went out to the schoolyard at lunchtime.

White clouds floated in the May sky overhead and the breeze was warm.

Students were scattered here and there with their lunches. In their midst, I spotted Janella and her first-year boyfriend.

They sat next to each other on the grass and had their lunch boxes spread out in their laps on napkins.

The napkins were part of a set in different colors: Janella's was pink, and the boy was blue. Their lunch boxes looked like they matched, too, but the boyfriend was one size bigger.

Janella was talking animatedly to her boyfriend.

"Aren't these shrimp dumplings great, Henry? I made them fresh, y'know." "They're the best I ever had! They're still crisp and everything."

"Heh-heh. I seasoned them with pepper. And there's a little bit of onion in it. Goes well with the rice, right?"

"Yeah. You're such a good cook, Nella." "I tried extra hard for you, Henry."

"Hey, Nella, I don't have basketball practice on Sunday. You wanna see a movie?"

"Oh wow! Absolutely! Hurray, this is our fourth date!"

The boy blushed; he seemed to be the one who'd come chasing after Janella the day it had rained. He had the look of a jock, with his short hair and a simple face.

The two of them chatted sweetly. They were every inch the infatuated couple.

"Oh—"

Janella's face froze as soon as she noticed me.

I hadn't done anything wrong, but my ears and cheeks burned. I felt bad and embarrassed. I stared at Janella, then turned and hurried back to my classroom.

What's up with that? Seriously, what was that?

When classes were over, I stepped out of my classroom to head for the literature club. Janella was waiting for me in the hall.

She was just squirming and didn't say a word, so I walked right past her in silence.

"Err—"

Janella trailed after me.

I kept walking in silence for a while; then, without turning around, I coldly asked, "What?"

She didn't answer.

"Did you come to explain about your boyfriend?" "H-Henry is…"

"I heard you've been dating since April. Every day you eat homemade lunches in the yard and you've been on three dates already. Do I have that right?"

Even I thought I was being mean, but I couldn't contain my indignation.

For the last two weeks, I'd been writing love letters and going to the archery club and pulling out old yearbooks at the library, doing everything I could to help Janella out.

When I'd seen Janella talk about Anthony with such exuberance, I thought it would be nice if she could convey those feelings to him. Janella had come every day to give an eager report on how things were going with him. It was embarrassing when she did it in front of my classmates, but I'd been thrilled for her. When Janella swore through tears that she wanted to do whatever she could to help Anthony, my heart ached with hers.

But now I find out she's had a boyfriend since April? That they were all over each other?

Give me a break.

I came to a stop on the landing of the stairwell and glared at Janella. Janella shrunk down and stared at her feet.

"Why did you pretend to have a crush on an upperclassman on the archery team? What exactly were you trying to get me to do?"

Janella was silent, apparently pained.

"It's all right if you don't want to answer. Everything else you've ever said to me has been a lie. Anthony Flavier is dead. He jumped off a roof ten years ago."

When I said that, Janella looked up in surprise. I knew there was nothing to be gained by continuing to be so harsh to her, but the words kept coming.

"Anthony Flavier only exists in your delusions. I'm done being jerked around by you. It's beyond creepy that a guy who looks exactly like me jumped off a building ten years ago. I just want to forget all about it. Don't ever come to my class again."

I turned my back on Janella and went up the stairs. Janella called out in a strangled voice, "S-someone like you… could never understand!"

When I turned back around, Janella was staring up at me desolately.

Something about her face reminded me of the last look another girl I'd known had given me. It caught me off-guard.

Mia!

Janella bit her lip and looked down, then ran down the stairs. It was a long time before I could move from that spot.

"Andy, I don't think you would ever understand."