Travel 4. Do I Know You?

Sunshine:

I've never written a letter, I feel like it's time to start doing it.

I have loved you since I was a child. My heart hasn't set another goal, honestly, it never will.

I loved you so much that you don't even have to reciprocate. I feel love to spare. It's overflowed.

I am afraid of commitment, afraid of losing everything like my parents. I am afraid of even starting a family. What's more, I don't even want one. But who am I lying to?

I want it with you, and only with you. You stepped on my fears.

Every time I saw you it was a smile on my face, and every time you didn't look at my direction, it was a small fracture in the heart. How much I have loved you all these years.

I have done nothing about it. I know you. I knew you would never do anything because to you, I was always a girl. I am convinced that you thought it would only be a very temporary love. Your surprise when I kissed you revealed it to me.

And it's just that I no longer hold the urge. I'm so sorry, and at the same time I'm not.

I kissed you in surprise. Without your consent. But I didn't feel any discomfort from you. Forgive me if I'm wrong. You were talking to me so up front, so close. Books are your thing, but I think I can teach you a little more.

I didn't know how beautiful it felt to be by your side. And I didn't resist, sorry. I was so wrong by imagining countless times scenes of us kissing, waiting for you to be the first.

You weren't the first, but clearly no one had told me that kissing you would feel so pure. It was the most tender kiss for me. I don't know what it would have been like for you. Sorry to run away. It's that I wait too long, I am afraid of having ruined our long friendship. My love is infinite.

If you don't reciprocate, or if you think it was completely out of line, I understand.

But please just think.

I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. Do not hate me. Right now, I don't know what would become of me without your life in mine.

I know you kissed me and if you deny it, I will understand. I would like it to happen again.

I want too many things.

Above all, you.

I love you, Harlow. You are the only ray of sunshine that lights up my heart.

I just laughed. I didn't remember I had this letter on my notebook. I kept a copy of every single letter I have written and sent to him.

This one was from my birthday party. I was 17. "Almost an adult, just do it". That was what my useless brain said.

Fortunately, he said he wanted to try out with me, which made my heart jump, if that was possible.

But what if he had said no?

Then I'd be a fuckin stalker. And I would have been in jail because he would have demanded me for harassment.

Okay, not so much. But hey, what I have done is not correct. It would have been very uncomfortable if he told me to not do it ever again.

Why would I write all of these things? I never saw myself as a hopeless romantic. It's been a long time since I have written a letter. I didn't have any special trip this week. I don't know anything about Nirvana.

I tried looking for her again, under the name of Alice Brown, but there was no one with that name, neither someone who might be "Nirvana Alicia" or vice versa.

I headed to the library because I was supposed to hang out with some friends. It was Saturday, and we might go to Bradford for a party. Of course, my mother didn't know about it, so for her, I was going to study. At a library.

I never said which one tho. A library from Bradford would be a great excuse.

In this whole week I've been looking for Artz Wrapped. But it doesn't exist. In my world, it doesn't exist. You literally put the "artz wrapped" name in the browser but just gives you some "art attack" episodes. Is not even the same if we are talking in context. And Hayden Stabler? Well, a person with that last name in the country doesn't exist, either, since is an American surname. And besides, it sounds as "stabbed" or something like that.

Looking backwards, I always had everything, but if I'm traveling around it's because something about me, is missing. Or gone. And I can't imagine what could it be. My friends are here, my parents and boyfriend are always next to me. And I know what I want to do in the next 5 years, so I'm a pretty professional person. I mean, I know now, last time I was still thinking about what I was going to do at college.

I know what I have and what I want. At least, I thought that, because now I don't know what is real and when is my time anymore.

I don't have someone to share this with but Nirvana. And she is gone. I can't just sit there and tell Harlow or anyone about this. He would never believe me. He would most probably call out a psychiatric institute.

I tried to calm down because I didn't want to give the bad vibe at the party. For a moment, I have forgotten about how much I love being surrounded by books. Tons of them. There was quite a unique smell here.

But I was early for 1 hour. I didn't realize I was walking way too fast. I went to see some books about time traveling, even though they are way too sci-fi.

"Even the slight possibility of time travel exerts such fascination that many physicists continue to study not only whether it may be possible but also how one might do it.

One of the leading researchers in this area is William A. Hiscock, a professor of physics at Montana State University. Here are his thoughts on the matter:

"Is it possible to travel through time?" To answer this question, we must be a bit more specific about what we mean by traveling through time. Discounting the everyday progression of time, the question can be divided into two parts: Is it possible, within a short time (less than a human life span), to travel into the distant future? And is it possible to travel into the past?

"Our current understanding of fundamental physics tells us that the answer to the first question is a definite yes, and to the second, maybe." *

By reading this, I now regret the fact that I failed in Physics class.

"Einstein told us that space and time are parts of one thing – spacetime – and that we should be as willing to think about distances in time as we are distances in space. As odd as this might sound, we happily answer "about two and half hours", when someone asks how far Birmingham is from London. What we mean is that the journey takes that long at an average speed of 50 miles per hour.

The faster you move, the slower your clock ticks relative to ones you are moving past. The word "relative" is key: time will seem to pass normally to you. To everyone standing still, however, you will be in slow motion. If you were to move at the speed of light, you would appear frozen in time – as far as you were concerned, everyone else would be in fast forward." *

The right side of my brain is the only one working right now and has been the only one working for more than 18 years. Which means that, even if I wanted to, I don't understand a thing about this at all.

Concepts were swimming in the sea of my head, I never took notice of the time. Except for one thing: when I traveled, time didn't pass here and besides, it didn't create new memories. Which can't be possible.

-Why are you reading about these kind of things when we are about to get drunk?

I turn around and saw Anwar there. I was surprised.

-Hey! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at your house hosting the party?

He chuckled.

-The thing is, I wanted to see someone here.

I smiled.

-Who is the lucky lady?

-Her name is Gianna. But shhhh- he whispered.

And I was surprised.

-The girl who is a wannabe model?

He nodded.

-If you want to, we can pick you up.

-And ruin your golden moment with her? No darling! Just have fun with her but keep the funnier things for later- I winked.

I laughed because Anwar has always been the shy type guy, and him to be dating a real extrovert girl is quite amusing. But thinking about it, they'll do a really cute couple.

If they aren't already one.

I have met him in Georgia's birthday, probably like 3 years ago. He was kissing some blond girl named Paris, and they went on a long relationship. But for some reason it didn't work out. I never knew what really happened. In that party, I also remember seeing Harlow flirting with a girl. A pretty one to be honest.

She was tall, blond hair as well and deep blue eyes. Her lips were so red, like you could see how passionate she pressed her lipstick towards her mouth. She was wearing a beautiful short, black skirt and a light blue top, something similar like the one Salma Hayek wore on the Cannes festival, back in the 90s probably.

The thing is, she was so beautiful, she could captivate everyone in there. I never knew if she was Georgia's friend since that was the only day I ever saw her in my life, and Georgia never talked about her either. What was funny about all of that queen vibes the girl was giving, is that she puke in Harlow's shirt just when he was about to kiss her.

She had drunk so much. Ah, the things that my mind keeps and I had no idea about.

-Reading again?

-I have nothing better to do- I said, turning off my cellphone.

-What are you reading?- he asked me.

-The case of the Black Dahlia. Have you heard about it?

-Not really. It is interesting?

-Is like a case from Jack The Ripper, but ten times... Let's say "better". It was a murder, a young lady cut by the half with a Joker smile.

-You mean "Glasgow" smile- Harlow corrected me.

-Whatever, Joker has one too.

He was in disbelief.

-Why the hell are you reading those kind of things?

-I find it more interesting than any conversation someone might have in here- I responded.

He clearly didn't get the point.

-Seems like you are bored.

-You do get things fast- I replied.

-Why don't you get a cab, then?

-Are you kicking me out?

I raised my voice without noticing.

-Never said that. I'm just saying...

-I'm not going anywhere because I must return home with Milo.

Clearly, I was angry at him. And he didn't even know why, and of course he wouldn't. He was just there, trying to be friendly.

But then he got angry at me too.

-There's no reason for you to talk to me like that, young lady. I was just asking, Jesus. It's not my fault if you're angry at someone else because they dumped you or something.

And he stood up and went onto being with that girl, again.

That's the thing. He just sees me as that. A young lady. I felt like crying, but I kept it to myself. And went onto reading back.

-Your mom doesn't know you are coming, right? -asked me Delia.

-Well, she knows that I was at the library.

-That's a nice start- laughed Oliver. -How is Harlow doing? It's been long since the last time I saw him.

-He is really fine. Right now, he is working. You know, with that lawyer. Also studying languages at college in his free time.

-And do you plan to start college next year?

-Oliver, come on! We are going to party, not to talk about hells! Shut it now- said Derek, who was driving.

Delia was Oliver's girlfriend, and Derek was Oliver's twin brother. We've been friends like forever, together with Anwar, of course. We were going to Bradford and luckily, my mom wasn't even calling me due to her date with my step-dad. I was watching the skies, a rainy day. And yet we were going to have fun.

Anwar might be with the new girl right now. These kind of parties made me realize that I had grown up, and so did Harlow. I mean, I was always between the youngest and Harlow was with those big cool kids. Things change so fast. Now I'm the one with the new cool kids, and he is working on a Saturday. That's how it feels to be an adult then. Sometimes I think that the gap might be a future problem between us, but at the same time, I don't really believe it. When we talk, we are like one person. We just know what the other one is feeling.

I touched my necklace because is the prettiest thing he ever gave me, and because for some reason is my gate instrument. But when I touched it, everything was gone.

I felt on the floor, everything was... Grey? I mean, everything looked like cement. There were white walls, big rooftops, sheds around the walls. I got up and felt something in my neck. I had a credential.

VIP ACCESS

Vanessa Viccario

NBCS Journalist

Artz Wrapped Tour

2014

WHAT THE FUCK.

I was without words, I couldn't breath again. I tried to calm down. How the hell I was a journalist here? How old am I? In what world am I?

Because it says Artz Wrapped. And I was in 2012 with only 10 years old. I looked at myself and in 2014, I clearly was older than my own age. And my name wasn't even Alexandra. But my last name still remains. Why Harlow's one didn't?

Wasn't I Sam in this world? Where I first heard of Artz Wrapped?

Vanessa is like a slutty name. And I love it, to be honest. It reminds me of The Little Mermaid.

So I was a journalist. Interesting thing. And at a chain I never heard of. At the tour of a band that doesn't exist in my world. I looked around and it seemed like I was alone, but the deeper I get in the rooms, the more people I found. Tons of dudes putting on with the cameras, the make-up artists, clothes coming and going. It was a hell of a job.

I walked into some halls where I finally found one of the dressing rooms. It just said "Artz Wrapped", and it was locked.

Didn't they have more money to create specific rooms for each of the members?

Until someone touched my shoulder.

-Excuse me, do I know you?

And I was frozen.

A really handsome man was talking to me. He seemed kind and calm. His eyes were big, his eyelashes even larger than mine. And he was Anwar. My friend Anwar, in a more sophisticated, fancy and hansome way.

I never realized how pretty he could be.

-I don't think we have introduced before- I replied.

What was that crap, OF COURSE WE HAVEN'T.

He laughed.

-My name is Jabbar. Were you trying to reach someone? Or you want the whole band?

-What? -I asked, confused.

He pointed at my credential.

-You are a journalist and I saw you trying to get into the room so I thought...

-Oh no, no it's okay. I just... I wanted to see someone. His name is Hayden Stabler.

-Every single girl is in love with him- he said, smiling. -Let me call him.

I waited for him in there. Until I saw Nirvana, walking towards me.

-Excuse me, what are you doing here?-she asked me.

She obviously wasn't the Nirvana I know. - You must be right now with your crew. The guys are not there and if you get late, you won't be able to sit and do your job.

-Who are you?- I asked.

-My name is Lydia Ferrara. And I'm the one in charge of everything being at its place. So please, collaboration is needed.

I was going to go with her. But he just appeared.

Long, curl hair. Green, cold stone eyes. He smiled at me. That wasn't Harlow but he totally melted me. He has that power over me.

-You wanted to have an interview? -he asked, very politely, while stretching hands.

I nodded, and he turned to Anwar and Nirvana.

In my world, those are their names.

-Please, leave us alone.

-But the show... - started Lydia.

-The show is not going to start in maybe 3 hours- he said, cutting her off.

They left and I was standing there like an idiot. He looked at me and smile, his expression was so warm, that I could feel he might knows me.

He looked at my neck.

-Wow. That necklace is wonderful. Where did you buy it, Vanessa?

I blushed.

-Actually, my boyfriend gave it to me.

-Ah, the love is in the air, then. You wanted to ask me something?

-Mr. Stabler... Do you believe in soulmates?

He was surprised about my question, but it was the only thing I could think of when seeing him.

Yeah, Journalism might definitely not be my thing.

-Well... I do feel like... Déjà vu. You, for example- he said, and my heart stopped.- I feel like I know you, but I am sure I have never seen you before.

-Neither have I- I said. -But you are not answering me.

He laughed.

-I do believe in that. But I'm not in favor of that soulmate being only your lover. I feel like it could be a friend, or a sibling, you know? It doesn't have to be sex and love only. Why do you ask me that?

-Because I think that you are the only one who could answer me- I said.

-To tell you the truth, I think that Levi is my soulmate. He is my best friend. And we think so much alike...

And now I felt like a relief.

Why would I feel that? I don't know. But when he told me that, I saw a young lady coming towards me.

The real Vanessa was there, angry.

I covered up my head, with Hayden being confused about what was going on.

-SHE IS AN IMPOSTOR. BRING YOUR ASS BACK HERE, YOU BITCH!

I just ran as fast as I could, while touching my necklace.

Vanessa POV.

-How do you know she was an impostor? - Hayden asked me.

I was sweating because of the running. That fucking bitch could have ruined my job.

And this little idiot asking me shits.

-Because I'm the real Vanessa, for sure- I said.

-Is she your twin or something?- he asked.

-I'm an only child. What are you saying? I could have lost my job!

And I started to cry. This was the one of a kind job. I would get good money, and with that thing I could go and give it to my mom so she can continue with her chemo.

That bitch just got her soul out of here, and when I followed her, there was no one to see.

Probably was just one of those stupid little girls who can't see Hayden Stabler or any other member of this nonsense band.

-You seem tired. The show is going to start probably in 3 hours. Why don't you get some rest in my room?-Hayden asked, way too politely.

-I'm fine here. Thanks.

And I just walked towards my crew.

*Some websites information about Time Traveling, available at NASA.com.