(Malory)
“You’re incompetence as an actor makes me suicidal.”
It’s been a while since I’ve used that word.
“Oh please, don’t kill yourself and fulfil all my wildest dreams,” Kyle says, his tone is drenched in sarcasm.
It’s been almost an hour of rehearsing lines and Kyle can’t get a single thing right. I’m anxious. I’m frustrated. I’m concerned. I’m confused. I’m tired. I want to go home. I want to lie in bed and not get up. I want to sit around and do nothing. I want to fade from existence.
“Here we go again,” I hear Ron mutter to Olivia. They’re both sitting in the front row. Olivia turns to him to stifle a laugh.
Olivia... how could you laugh at that?
“Go to Hell,” I tell Kyle.
“Been there, done that. I’m not the one planning to kill myself so I won’t be the one going to Hell.”
“Mrs Cole,” I say, frustrated, turning to her.
“I’m listening,” she says, obliviously.
“Maybe you should focus on the other actors for a while. Standing here and watching this buffoon suffer from not knowing anything is giving me more of a headache than this whole cooperation thing.”
She raises a brow at me. “You’re insisting that we leave the perfecting of a lead until the end? How do you think that’s going to work out?”
I feel my anxiety welling up. I shut my eyes and try to keep myself as calm as possible.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
“I’ll help him,” I say. “I’ll work with him.”
“What do you have to say to that?” She asks my co-star.
He turns from our teacher to me. “Can we do this without killing each other?”
We’re supposed to be cooperating, no?
Cooperating doesn’t mean I’ll stop insulting you or wanting to beat you up… or plotting your murder.
No promises on zero attempts at murder, Kyle Davidson.
Suddenly I feel pushed off the edge and I yell, “Look, Kyle, I need you to stop being a literal shit and cooperate. I can’t fail!”
My academic accomplishments are all I have. Extracurricular activities are all I have. Distractions are all I have. If I lose them or if I lose something that throws me remotely off balance I’ll crumble. My grades need to stay above average –even in this school for the gifted. Everything I do needs to be as close to perfection as I can manage to get it. I need to stick to my schedule. I need to do things to keep myself from falling apart and having a break down.
With the way I’m feeling, it doesn’t seem like I can do much about falling behind on everything…and it’s making me furious.
It takes me a few minutes to realise how loud I’d yelled. I glance at Kyle.
“Whoa, okay. Okay,” he says in a low voice.
I can see it written all over his face; Worry. His eyes are asking the question, ‘Are you okay?’ But what do I tell him?
My eyes move to Mrs Cole –wearing an expression of disbelief at my outburst- and then over to the students in the auditorium. I finally turn to Ron and Olivia. The room goes silent. Too silent. Everyone’s looking at me. I feel a prickly sensation all over my skin. My hands begin to shake uncontrollably. A chill runs up my spine. I clasp my hands together almost aggressively to keep their trembling from being noticed by anyone. I fidget with my fingers for a moment before turning back to Kyle.
What did I just do?
Why did I do that?
I feel my heartbeat racing.
I walk past Kyle and stumble down the stairs to exit the stage. As I pass Mrs Cole, I don’t stop but to say a mumbled “Excuse me”. When I reach halfway down the aisle I begin running towards the exit.
Why are you so on edge, Malory?
Why are you panicking so much?
What’s wrong?
Get yourself together. Get yourself together. Get yourself together.