This Is What It Felt like To Be Zoe

LONELINESS

I'm the lost star floating around this galaxy of billions of others but I can't connect with any of them.

I crave for someone to shine with but everyone seems to explode, which seemingly leaves me alone. I can't be with anyone, I love too hard sometimes I guess.

Each star leaves me one by one out of disgust of who I am, but I never move. I just stare and watch the sun burn the tip of my nose as if it's kissing me.

It's kiss is so warm that it feels as though it is keeping me company.

My eyes can't help but water to the idea of it only being me in this lonely world.

Who will be there to comfort me when I'm sad?

Who will hold me together when I lose faith?

Who will love me when I can't love myself? (Do I even love myself?)

I hate it when you leave me, you don't know how much I need you in my life. (Without you I have no life)

You are the very thing that makes me want to be a better me, but the one time I make a mistake you wanna get up and leave.

If you walk out of my life, don't come back! Don't lead me on then drop me like I'm nothing.

COllISION

So here we stand face to face.

Your blood on my skin and my blood on yours..who's to blame?

We're both broken.

We're both scarred.

We both have unhealed wounds.

But neither of us need a doctor.

We're both too dead to save.

No amount of medical help can bring us back to this miserable reality we call life.

We're too numb.

You hurt me, but I hurt you too.

You left me a long time ago, but I couldn't leave you alone.

I was obsessed with you.

You were my rock.

But you were also the hand that killed me today.

Though I say these things in pain, I can only imagine the pain I've caused you.

What I have done to you is the reflection of what I was only feeling inside.

I'm sorry that I used you.

I'm still learning how to love myself.

Now we stare into each other's eyes not knowing what our fate may be, but knowing that we can't live in the same life with both you and me.

Tears drip from my eyes in pain afraid of letting you go, but in pain of staying.

I can't live in this world without hurting you, as you can't with me, but both of us have to let go.

I will love you from a distance, as I hope you will do the same for me.

I hope that all your dreams come true in your next life.

I hope that you dream of me.

This is how I died...…...

CONFUSION

I've learned that I'm meant to be alone.

To lots of people that sounds heartbreaking but to me it sounds like an adventure.

Some people just aren't meant to be in relationships I guess.

Every time I think about being in one my mind shifts like a rubix cube. None of my colors match.

The people I imagine myself being with aren't compatible for me, they….none of them feel right.

I feel like if I loved either one of the people that are naturally attracted to each other in this life....it would be a lie. I can't love him without hurting her, and I can't love her without hurting him.

I'm tired of feeling trapped in this mindset that was written for me in the books.

How do I fall in love with the very thing that turned me against happiness itself. That's…..difficult.

Both people have violated my immature mind and small body, but both require love and sex. How do I cope?

This pain in my chest cuts so much deeper than what I think anyone realizes yet. I don't know what I am at this point. Both people have hurt me but both need me.

I need to be alone so that I don't hurt them.

EVOLUTION

The pain of not being able to love a woman has burdened me, but I finally understand.

Understanding that my pain is all within the very thing that persuaded me to write this is what let's me know that I can love a man.

Fear is what has scared me over the past 5 years.

Fear has unfortunately kept me from my growth as a young woman.

I've felt trapped, as if I have no choice but to lay down with the lie I told myself because of fear.

Fear does not own me.

I own me.

I've become sexually attracted to girls, only because of trauma and fear that turned me against what I know to be natural.

It is not wrong for you to be gay, bisexual, lesbian, or even transgender, but it is important to know where it came from.

I choose not to be a part of the LGBTQ community NOT because I don't accept them (I do, I love them) but because it was fear, pain, and trauma that made me question my sexuality.

If I look in the mirror and call myself lesbian, I don't feel happy, I feel pain because I know where it came from.

If I were born lesbian I would be proud. But I wasn't.

I was born having the largest crush on Justin Bieber and watching his Never Say Never movie on repeat.

It wasn't until I had the devil disguised as my relative that I realized my sexuality had been threatened.

I love the LGBTQ community, but I don't love me.

It's my responsibility to get back to happiness. I hope to not offend anyone, I'm just trying to understand who I am. Being a lesbian doesn't feel right with me. Specifically because the only reason it is an option for me is because of trauma and pain. I can't love myself for that.

I've hurt someone close to me the same as I was hurt, but didn't realize how much pain I had caused.

She didn't deserve what I had done to her, but I was only 9 years old. That's no excuse, I know. I hate what I did.

I'll never do anything like that again.

Today I struggle with forgiving myself, but I feel God with me. He feels my pain, and he hears me calling out to him…..I hope.

No matter what I will Prosper.

SELF DOUBT

Today I threaten this life of mine, wondering if it's even worth living.

In this dark room of mine, there's no light (at least that's what it seems to be).

I've made so many mistakes in my life that I feel like there's no end to this pain. It almost seems eternal.

I sometimes wonder if I left this world seventy years earlier would it free me of this pain.

These kinds of thoughts are what makes me feel like a mistake.

I feel like I'm supposed to help people, but how do you help someone when you're the one who needs help.

It's funny because all our parents before us had drugs and alcohol to numb their pain, while we have that one thing in between our ears. Our mind.

I'm losing faith, I just hope God you can forgive me, it's just too hard to deal with at the moment.

I've made so many mistakes that I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to live.

Sometimes I don't feel alive.

I'm sober, but suffering.

Pain in my heart, but blood on my mind.

You don't understand how much I've thought about my blood hitting the floor, and all of my issues floating away from me like my soul will.

I'm a sinner.

My childhood trauma comes from the pain of my mistakes.

"You make everybody's lives miserable" my family tells me.

I've been drowning in my own sins, suffocating in a pool of memories.

I have yet to scar my skin, but have been killing myself from the inside out for years.

It's crazy because no one can see my pain.

No one can see my tears.

No one can feel my self doubt.

But they see all of my mistakes.

They see all of my sins.

I hate that they remind me of what I've done, but they're just a reflection of what I feel on the inside.

No one hears me, this isn't fair.

Do you feel like this too?

Do you wish that you could have made better mistakes?

I do.

I wish that my life never happened, but I don't even know if it actually did.

I can't stop doubting myself.

FEAR

My current mindset is infatuated with the thought of leaving this dimension and never coming back.

That sounds wild, I know. But sometimes I wonder what it's like to not fear.

Do people fear in other dimensions?

I guess I just want some kind of escape from the current world I'm living in. This world is cold, dark, and everybody is a slave.

We're all slave's of life.

We either work for God, or work for Caine, and sometimes both.

I've worked for both in my lifetime, and man is it rough.

My reasoning for wanting to leave this world is simply because of fear.

I fear that I'll never be the person my mother would like to see me as.

I fear that I'll be judged for my mistakes.

I fear that I may never feel true happiness

I fear that I may end my life.

All this stuff is pretty sad to say but it's what I'm afraid of, I can't shake the feeling.

While there is so many other things I'm afraid of, I refuse to write them down on paper.

All this pain inside me, but no drugs to numb me.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror I can't see myself, no one would understand if I explained that to them.

I've sinned many many times, but it's only because I was a lost kid trying to get through my childhood trauma.

There's nobody in my family I could really talk to about these emotions, they're all fed up.

Of course I understand, you can't hurt someone so many times before they're just…...done with you.

I hold that close to my heart because I know I deserve it.

I deserve to never feel happiness.

I deserve to be alone, look who I've hurt.

Everyone.

STRENGTH

"I'd do anything in my power to see you just smile.

I want you to Prosper and come proper even if it means I ain't your side" Juice Wrld

We all doubt ourselves sometimes, and sometimes feel like there's no end to our pain.

There actually is.

See in my life I've made so many mistakes that I didn't know if I could live any longer.

You guys have to keep your head up.

We go through so much trauma as little kids and as adults, that we all wanna give up.

If you're reading this I want you to know that you must be strong, you've got too much life to live to end it.

Ending this life isn't gonna end your pain, you're just gonna come back with twice as much karma as you did when you came into this life.

Don't take your life away to come back and make the same mistakes all over again.

In this life we must learn.

We must understand who we are.

Some of you are probably at home dealing with your family constantly reminding you of your mistakes.

I get it, you're mad at them.

You wish that they'd allow you to grow, and stop beating you over the head with your past.

All though what they say to you is hurtful, I can't help but ask what have you been saying to yourself?

They're only telling you what you've been telling yourself.

We come into this life with people around us that were strategically made to be in our lives.

To test us, to love us, to hate us, and to forgive us.

If you have people yelling at you and telling you that they hate you, ask yourself "do I hate myself?"

The people around you are just a reflection of who you are on the inside.

In order to change your surroundings you must change yourself.

Be comfortable with confronting yourself and your flaws.

At first it's difficult, but it is not impossible.

Ask yourself "do I (blank) myself in my head?"

Ask yourself "Why do I (blank) in my head?"

Ask yourself "How do I stop (blank) in my head?"

Whatever these issues are, be sure to work them out within yourself and your surroundings will change too.

Your energy is everything.

What you watch, what you put in your body, what people you choose to hang around, and what you think about all can change your energy.

Do not allow yourself to struggle and go through unnecessary drama, or pain.

Specifically because your emotions will change AKA "energy".

ACCEPTANCE

You know, I have to say, as difficult as my life has been over the past 10 years, I still stare at myself in the mirror and try to find my purpose in life.

Most people would have given up a long time ago. But I'm still here.

Knowing that I have a purpose is the only thing that's been keeping me alive. And knowing that that purpose will be fulfilled.

It's super difficult though because life throws things at you, and never considers the pain you have to go through to live it.

Unfortunately, for me, I was born with the destiny of loneliness, so no matter what I'm screwed.

I always wish that I had someone to talk to about this internal pain, but the more this life goes on the more I realize that I may never have any one.

My childhood with my siblings was pretty miserable, each kid getting messed with by the other. Sickening as it was, I still pushed through it.

Even when I'd go to school, none of the kids liked me. Of course as an eight year old I didn't know why, I just knew that there was something wrong with me.

"Zoe, can you go sit somewhere else, our friends wanna sit next to us?" Lol this was on my first day of school too.

"Why don't they wanna sit next to me? Can't I be their friend too?"

The answer was no.

I couldn't.

Every school was the same way, I was destined to be by myself.

I'm gonna be alone, and I've learned to accept that.

Does it hurt?

Yes.

My only reason for living is to help the people who are hurting from the inside just as much as me.

I've gotta help them, or else they might make a decision they'll regret.

I've gotta be here with them.

It would be selfish of me to leave, and leave them here suffering.

A lot of these kids don't realize that all the answers to every question we've ever asked lies within us.

They just need someone to help them see it.