L_StellaLuna

The sound of guns...
The darkness...
The smoke...
Then, oblivion.

Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares.

Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered.

Looking outside my window,
I am writing my daily journal and poetry today...
To release all the pains and tensions from my past.

And I wrote..

December 18, 1980
Myshkin, Russia

My beloved,

Have you ever ask yourself...
What's your life purpose? 
If..
Are you doing the right thing?
Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant?
Day dreaming into your own world?

Too much questions filled in your heart and mind.
Too much of everything that you don't want.
Too much!

To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me.
Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them.
Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories.
Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death.

Yes, I did face it all.
I cried hard.
After decades of those patterned memories...
This is the first time that I realized..
How I treated myself so badly.

And I really wanted to give back to myself.
By appreciating my past.

Appreciate yourself more...
Love yourself more...
And you will discover more...

I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past.

***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF***

My dearest self in the past...
I have been visiting you lately in a vast...
You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS,
You go out more, loving the sun and grasses,
Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above.

Joyous days, feet touching stones and green
Oh How glorious those days have been
Flowing like water in every storms within
And wind touches, caressing my skin
Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose".
A path full of journey and a dead rose

All those rise and fall, I am with you...
All those tears and laughter, I am with you...
I am always with you til the end of time.
You have no choice, we are both destined.

Oh loving sun and dreamy moon,
Grace us the light in our path divine,
My past self, I thank you!
For the wonderful memories...
In my troubled present, found peace in you.

Beatrix
**********************************************

As I closed my journal...
I just hear my Nana's footsteps and call out.
"My princess, it's dinner time. Don't forget your coat, it's a bit freezing today!."
"Yes, coming Nana!." I checked myself in the mirror for the last time, before sharing the table with Nana.
The beauty in the mirror speaks of simplicity and elegance.
I'm tall at my age of 15, around 183cm, with soft silver wavy hair and emerald green eyes.
I'm looking at the reflection of my mother.
And before my tears fall.
"Beatrix?" A hint of annoyance in Nanas voice.
"Yes, sorry Nana."
Then, we silently eat our beetroot soup.

In the same month, in different year.
Our mother gather all of us, her children, near the fireplace hearth, made of granite and marble stone.
My eldest brother Maxim played the piano while my older sister Annika played the flute. While me and my mom, cheerfully singing.
Then, our beloved father Dimitri, joined us in our joyfulness.

Amidst our liveliness, the commotion outside the House of Oblonsky raised our fears.
People shouting with torches and guns.
My father Dimitri was stunned.
I'm crying in horror.
I hugged my father...for the last time.
When....
My small voice... bellowed "NO!!!!"
"Mama, Papa..."
"Maxim, Annika..."












￼

THE LAST HEIRESS OF OBLONSKY, BEATRIX

There are two single bed, a tub, shower and lavatory.


The ship already started it's voyage at 10 in the evening.


I am drained and tired, but I don't want to missed my Journal today.


I loss my truest friend and lost my loving Nana.


I saw my family's last portrait in the banquet hall wall.


O my dear, dead heart and shattered soul,


We are still in the midst of our battle.


By God's grace, I will claim my victory!


I closed my journal and closed my eyes to sleep.


I beautiful face, paled skin and a bullet wound in the head appeared in front of me.


"My Princess...I love you more than my own. Follow your intuition and you will win."


Then, I saw her body floating into the water.


Leonid is already up and manage to approached me in bed.


He shook my right arm to bring me to the present.


"It's ok our Amelia, it's just a dream."


Then he said, "Be ready, we will have our breakfast in 30 minutes."


A pair of Mama's jeans, sneakers and colorful folk shirt in long sleeves and a sweater.


Some parts of the ocean, had some glacier.


But our cabin has its own heater from coal.


When suddenly, somebody's knocking on the door.


Leonid signaled to keep silent and hide.


He carried his firearm hidden in his waistline.


Leonid opened the door in small portion to check outside for their safety.


And he saw the waiter bringing the tray with food.


And so, he opened the entryway for the waiter to come in.


Leonid instructed the waiter to serve the food in the table and leave immediately.


And the waiter followed the instructions and leave the cabin.


As soon as the waiter is outside, Leonid locked the door in a swift manner.


"Amelia... you can now go out and it's time to eat."


Leonid checked the food by eating a little, then, the drinks by drinking a little, to avoid possible poisoning for The Princess.


Then, he continued talking while eating...


"Amelia, you knew well...our arrangement, everytime we need to conceal ourselves. We need to be discreet to our words and actions." 


"As soon as we arrived at the Port of Anchorage, a chauffeur and two secret military personnel will meet us and will be our guard. I need for you to be strong and mindful. Anything could happen, anytime. As Irina told you everyday, just follow your intuition and you can never go wrong."


"Yes, I understand." my short response.


"Your Nana was able to contact your Uncle Charles to notify him about you. She then called me about the arrangements. That you will be delivered in Alaska for safety and identification."


"Do you have the velvet pouch?" he asked.


"Put it to safety as much as you can. That will be your key along with your scar, to gain back the Kingdom that your family lost. Your Uncle Charles need that for identification."


"I will keep it secure as my life." I responded in  almost a murmur.


THE JOURNEY