L_StellaLuna

The sound of guns...
The darkness...
The smoke...
Then, oblivion.

Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares.

Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered.

Looking outside my window,
I am writing my daily journal and poetry today...
To release all the pains and tensions from my past.

And I wrote..

December 18, 1980
Myshkin, Russia

My beloved,

Have you ever ask yourself...
What's your life purpose? 
If..
Are you doing the right thing?
Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant?
Day dreaming into your own world?

Too much questions filled in your heart and mind.
Too much of everything that you don't want.
Too much!

To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me.
Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them.
Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories.
Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death.

Yes, I did face it all.
I cried hard.
After decades of those patterned memories...
This is the first time that I realized..
How I treated myself so badly.

And I really wanted to give back to myself.
By appreciating my past.

Appreciate yourself more...
Love yourself more...
And you will discover more...

I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past.

***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF***

My dearest self in the past...
I have been visiting you lately in a vast...
You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS,
You go out more, loving the sun and grasses,
Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above.

Joyous days, feet touching stones and green
Oh How glorious those days have been
Flowing like water in every storms within
And wind touches, caressing my skin
Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose".
A path full of journey and a dead rose

All those rise and fall, I am with you...
All those tears and laughter, I am with you...
I am always with you til the end of time.
You have no choice, we are both destined.

Oh loving sun and dreamy moon,
Grace us the light in our path divine,
My past self, I thank you!
For the wonderful memories...
In my troubled present, found peace in you.

Beatrix
**********************************************

As I closed my journal...
I just hear my Nana's footsteps and call out.
"My princess, it's dinner time. Don't forget your coat, it's a bit freezing today!."
"Yes, coming Nana!." I checked myself in the mirror for the last time, before sharing the table with Nana.
The beauty in the mirror speaks of simplicity and elegance.
I'm tall at my age of 15, around 183cm, with soft silver wavy hair and emerald green eyes.
I'm looking at the reflection of my mother.
And before my tears fall.
"Beatrix?" A hint of annoyance in Nanas voice.
"Yes, sorry Nana."
Then, we silently eat our beetroot soup.

In the same month, in different year.
Our mother gather all of us, her children, near the fireplace hearth, made of granite and marble stone.
My eldest brother Maxim played the piano while my older sister Annika played the flute. While me and my mom, cheerfully singing.
Then, our beloved father Dimitri, joined us in our joyfulness.

Amidst our liveliness, the commotion outside the House of Oblonsky raised our fears.
People shouting with torches and guns.
My father Dimitri was stunned.
I'm crying in horror.
I hugged my father...for the last time.
When....
My small voice... bellowed "NO!!!!"
"Mama, Papa..."
"Maxim, Annika..."












￼

THE LAST HEIRESS OF OBLONSKY, BEATRIX

The cubs and the mama bear is nearly approaching our position.


When..Stefan move closer to me and hold my hands and raise them up!


He said yelling " RAISE YOUR arms above your head!!?!! And YELL!! We need to make sounds to SCARE THEM OFF!!"


I yelled back " YES, I WILL! I'M A BIT FRIGHTENED YOUR HIGHNESS!"


Then, I SHRIEK while waving my arms high.


The mama bear was able to see us... and shove off her cubs to a different direction and started to run.


The sun is setting... without us, noticed it.


Stefan try to find a place to set our camp.


He found a big rock for the perfect site.


I tried to help him finding some cedar wood for campfire and put up the easy pop up tent.


Stefan was able to build a fire quickly in a ring of stones.


He unpacked everything in the camping bag.


There's some cows milk cheese, cheddar cheese, blue berries and raspberries, sourdough pancakes and bread, canned sausages and canned soups, sleeping bag and my hand bag?!?


He hand over the bag to me while I'm surprised!


"Your highness! Why do you have my handbag?" I asked in curiosity.


He opened the canned soup and heated on the fire with a the smallest iron cookware that I ever seen.


I'm so glad that I happened to insert my Journal and pen inside the hand bag last night, along with the pistol.


I wear my hand bag in a cross body position.


Then, I took the picnic blanket and set up the cheese, fruits and breads and Stefan shared the picnic with the iron cookware with him.


Darkness started to envelope the skies.


A beautiful full moon and stars shed light upon us.


We cleaned up our picnic blanket as we completed our dinner.


I set up my mat at the right side of the tent.


And took my Journal out and my pen then started to write.


The glaciers reflection like crystals..


And the sounds of the crickets and flowing waters melted from the ice crystals.


The harmony of nature's beauty at its best!


It's a beautiful gift for an additional year of my existence.


We are dancing in the melody of our hearts..


Fireflies flying around us majestically..


Humming sounds of the ice crystals are divine.


And I saw your face.... blood dripping..


Stefan is  sleeping in a reclined position using  the camping bag for support.


"Is there something wrong, My Lady? " asking in a hoarse voice.


"Your highness, the sleeping mat is too big for me, you might want to share it?" I shyly asked.


THE ENCOUNTER