Chapter 15 - Haul Away Joe

Sam frowned as he approached the outhouse that but didn't dare go back and argue. 'Alfie, is there any way you can, like, seal my nose up or something?'

'I already told you I'm not like the systems from the novels you read online,' Alfie replied callously. 'Even if I could do something, spending the upgrade points on something so trivial would be a waste.'

'A waste? Seriously?' Sam asked incredulously. Gagging comically, he complained, 'I can smell it from here.'

'I'm sure it's not that bad,' Alfie stated, rolling his violet eyes at Sam's theatrics.

'If you could smell it, you wouldn't say that,' Sam rebuked him, holding his breath.

It was even more wretched inside the tiny room. Sam's eyes started to water, and he was light-headed from trying not to breathe.

'Inhale through your mouth,' Alfie suggested. 'I've heard it makes the smell less potent.'

Sam tried it. Then he actually did vomit. Stumbling out of the latrine, Sam put as much distance as possible between himself and the nightmare fuel inside that horrifying box. 'I'm only ever going to shit in the woods after this,' he swore.

Once Sam had finished with the genuinely horrifying task of wiping down what practically amounted to a hole in the ground with a wall built around it, he dropped the filthy rag into the lukewarm, slightly frothy water and headed toward the spigot.

Sam mourned the lack of soap internally as he rinsed off whatever grime he could.

'You're going to have to get used to it sooner or later,' Alfie scolded, but there was no edge to his words as he, too, was shuddering at what he'd just witnessed.

The system had never been so... up close and personal with the realities that living organisms have to deal with, and he was appalled. 

More grateful than ever that he was an AI and therefore not only did he not need to defecate but could also turn off one or more of his senses at will, he tried his best to comfort his host, saying, 'Look at it this way: your body has already built up a resistance to any bacteria it comes in contact with on a daily basis, or it would be sickly and weak.'

Sam paused in his scrubbing and looked over at the black fur ball sitting a few feet away from him on the cobblestones. He arched an eyebrow as he retorted, 'That's really not that comforting.'

Still, there was only so much he could do given the circumstances, and his stomach was beginning to grumble.

Inside, the chef, a motherly older woman with a demeanor as generous as her waistline, showed him an indulgent smile while urging him to stuff his mouth. "Growing boys should have a bit more."

He hesitated for only a moment before grabbing another fruit tart and stuffing it in his mouth.

He smiled shyly at her, around the pastry, the pink tinting his cheeks not entirely insincere, then swiftly ducked out of the kitchen.

"…Whup jamboree, whup jamboree…"

The sound of raucous laughter and off-key singing wafted into the hallway. Sam's mood, which had already begun to turn around, brightened further.

This type of rowdy crowd, with their loud voices and brazen antics, always made Sam feel the most at home.

"Oh! Jenny, keep your arsehole warm!"

The final line of the chorus rang out, and a new verse began as Sam entered the main hall through the swinging doors, and it took every ounce of strength he had to keep himself from flinging them open, jumping up on the nearest table, and shaking his tight little ass for the crowd.

'Restrain yourself,' Alfie admonished as a scene of Sam doing precisely that in a dimly lit smoky bar flashed through his head.

'I am!' Sam protested. Even though he would love to join in the fun, he knew that the job came first, and to do the mission he had to stay in character.

Besides, there was no way timid little Simon would have done a thing like that, and if this world were like his original world, a sudden personality change would likely be viewed as a type of witchcraft or possession. 

Which, to be fair, it kind of was.

The drunken men, having blown in after a long night spent bringing in the fish that served as the life's blood of the small portside town's economy, took full advantage of the opportunity to unwind. 

Bawdy songs accompanied by lewd laughter echoed from the rafters, shouted as much as sung, and Sam found himself humming along to a few of the more repetitive tunes while wiping down the tables.

As he moved from one table to the next, he stumbled into a patron that had been walking past. The collision caused him to drop the rag he had used to clean, so Sam bent at the waist to pick it up. 

The fact that this action caused his deliciously plump ass to be thrust into the air directly in front of the man was purely coincidental.

So how would he, pure little virgin that he was, have realized the man would take that opportunity to cop a feel of his shapely behind?

Feigning shock, Sam squealed and spun around, only to find himself pinned against a nearby wall. He turned his head to the side, and the man leaned in, his breath tickling the base of the trapped boy's neck.

Then the man uttered a grunt, and Sam found himself pulled away from the wall as a sprightly lass placed herself between him and his attractive would-be assailant.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of a young, innocent boy like this one," she snarled at the man. Then waving her arm toward the door, she prompted, "Go on now. Get out there and find someone else to bother." 

Disappointment showed on Sam's face, but fortunately, the woman misinterpreted his scowl.

"Simon, how often have I told you you can't just accept it when they treat you like a piece of meat?" she chided in exasperation. "Just fight back a little. They'll leave you alone, sure enough."

Her words might have convinced Sam if he didn't know better and if he hadn't witnessed her being hit on just as hard out on the floor, no matter how many men she slapped.

Still, Simon wouldn't have argued, and Sam had to play the role, so he ducked his head in apparent shame and murmured softly, "Okay…."

His words trailed off as he searched for a name to connect with the face, only to realize he never knew it in the first place. 

This time, the faux pas was overlooked because of Simon's quiet demeanor, but Sam silently reminded Alfie that they should go over a list of the boy's close friends and co-workers later.

A week passed in more or less the same way. Sam settled into Simon's daily routine, and since 'Simon' was no longer looking for a way to escape, he mostly avoided being beaten by the tavern owner.

Still, a leopard can't change his spots. 

"Ugh..." Sam groaned dispiritedly, having retreated to the kitchen in mock dismay after having had yet another 'close call.'

'All of this foreplay with none of the payoff is driving me nuts!' he complained to his system, who was wearing his usual black bunny avatar.

'If you spent half the time on the mission as you do flirting with customers, we'd be done by now,' Alfie grumbled. He mourned once again his host's lack of any sense of urgency.

'But Alfie...' Sam whined. 

The system cut him off. 'Don't you 'but Alfie' me. We are here to do a job, and I would appreciate it if you would focus.'

'Ugh,' Sam groaned. 'I would be able to focus if I could just get laid! The sexual tension is killing me!'

'You won't die just because you're pent up,' Alfie retorted harshly. 'Remember, you may be an amoral degenerate, but your body isn't, and any deviation from his character will only make it harder for us to find information on the target.'

'Why did I get stuck in such a shitty virgin body?' Sam whined.

'Why did I get stuck with such a slutty host?' Alfie snarked.

'Aplogize,' Sam demanded. 

'What?' Alfie questioned, confused by his host's sudden change in demeanor. 

'You called me names and hurt my feelings,' Sam pouted. He could take a lot of abuse and dish it right back, but 'slut' and 'pervert' were some of his dad's favorite nicknames for him. 

Needless to say, they brought up countless bad memories and dark thoughts.

Thanks to their mind link, Alfie immediately knew what he had done, and he hurried to correct his mistake. 'You're right, that was completely out of line, and I am truly very sorry.'

'Thank you.' Sam accepted the apology and responded in kind, 'I'm sorry, too. I will try to focus a bit more on what I'm supposed to.'

'Very good,' the AI approved. 'As it happens, I had just caught hold of something interesting before you came back here to mope. Hopefully, this little distraction hasn't made us miss the opportunity to gather intel.'

Sam gave Alfie a scathing glare but docilely returned to the tavern's main room. Unfortunately, the table was empty by the time they got back, and the chance was indeed lost.

Sam apologized, and Alfie was uncharacteristically forgiving. 'It's water under the bridge,' he said.

'I'll shoot water under your bridge,' Sam quipped, garnering a confused look from the violet eyes of his system.

'Sorry, that one was lame,' Sam apologized again. Alfie just rolled his eyes and hopped over to a nearby table to eavesdrop.