| Death in Times of War (Part II)

Soo-Ah's turn came faster than she expected. Standing on the raised platform, she came under the scrutiny of her fellow soldiers for the first time since she had been living among them. Her gaze glided over their faces as they sat neatly arranged in equally aligned and spaced-out rows, mirroring every assembly they ever submitted to. From the austere military atmosphere, there were no kind or understanding eyes looking back at her. She glanced at her grandfather. His stance was as unrelenting as the sun scorching the world below on this hot summer day in the Month of the Monkey.

Silently submitting herself to whatever came next, Soo-Ah had the front part of her hair chopped as well then, she lay, arms extended, on the punishing board. Only the pants near her calves were ripped open. The bailiff administered the ten hits on her shin in precise rhythm. After the first hit, it was enough to hear the swishing of the stick to feel the pain. When the stick landed on her skin it sent pins and needles through her spine, piercing her brain. She could not control the tears or the biting of her lips. She squinted her eyes each time but made no sound. The guilt kept her silent.

As she was helped to stand up from the board of her agonies, a rumble grew louder and louder until all men around began spatting their anger. Two garrison soldiers were making their way to the scaffold, carrying Duri with them.

A faint voice was heard out from the gathered men, "Behead the murderer!" and the message was quickly picked up. The soldiers' voices assembled one over the other until the crowd spoke in one resonant cry.

"Behead the murderer! Behead the murderer!"

With every shout and with every step Duri took, getting closer, Soo-Ah's heart shrunk little by little until it got to the size of a flea. A shiver washed through her. Grabbed by one arm, she was carried down the steps as Duri was pushed to climb them.

For what felt like time had slowed down, Soo-Ah and Duri locked eyes as they passed each other. The man rose to face his doom. She descended into a doomed existence, filled with self-blame and secrets. The guards had to budge them to advance.

Soo-Ah shook her arm from the guard's hold and remained next to the raised scaffold, watching the entire scene unfold with a lost expression. She felt pain. Not on the tender flesh of her calves, but in her chest. Such pain as only guilt could inflict.

Her grandfather stepped up to address his troops, silencing them in the process. He gave out Duri's sentence in a short delivery then ceremoniously took out his sword. His fingers fanned over the pommel as if to better feel the grip. His gaze seemed lost on the horizon for some moments as if searching for his resolve. He was the one who rendered judgment, he would carry it to its end.

Duri's eyes remained locked on General Min-Jun's blade. Fright descended over his face as he resisted being pushed forward to the center of the scaffold. The bailiff had to force him to advance, then to kneel. The crowd began to shout again even louder and with every shout Duri's panting accelerated. His eyes scanned the faces around, looking disoriented.

Sweat droplets slowly tumbled down his forehead. They were never to leave his head.

Soo-Ah kept staring at him until he found her eyes in time. With all her inner strength she found it in herself to offer him a slight smile. Duri smiled back.

A gentle breeze fluttered against her cheek, and she allowed herself to blink. When she opened her eyes, Duri's smile was no longer there. Nor was his head.

After the heavy thud of a severed head dropping, silence triumphed over the soldiers gathered around the scaffold. Only the tents cloth and the flags were fluttering in the wind, in a muffled lament. Where they were so vocal and angry before, everyone's eyes began to glint with guilt.

Guilt.

Soo-Ah looked inside herself to find absolution.

Since this series of events began spiralling out of control, she could have used her voice, but she did not. Not as a comrade in arms commanding her fellow soldiers to cease their wrongdoing. Not as a friend when she absentmindedly pulled Duri into this mess. Not even as the granddaughter in disguise of Great General Min-Jun when she could have bowed, admitted to her fault and begged for forgiveness for Duri. When she needed a clear head and reason all she had was anger or the terror she would be discovered. To save Duri she could have acted as a woman to employ the sensitivities and pleas of the fairer gender, or as a man, capable of taking a stand, in front of General Min-Jun. Or to make a stand in front of the crowd, she was looked at with disdain. They were all murderers, but at least they knew who they were.

She was undefined.

Then Soo-Ah's gaze travelled to her grandfather, handing his sword to one of his officers to be cleaned. As a general, he had all the power, but he looked as if he had none. His face, was as stern as if it was chiselled in the bedrock of the mountain that was watching them from not too far in the distance.

Her grandfather, a token of morality, was forced to act as wickedly as the wickedest man under his command. And to call that justice. He might have been a drop of fresh water in a sea of poison but it was not enough goodness to wash away the bad.

Blood specks were spattered on his wrinkled and sun-darkened cheeks and on his armour. Armour that Soo-Ah would need to polish once more.

*

For a couple of days after the execution, Soo-Ah became apathetic, unable to shake the nightmares where Duri's head dropped and rolled around on the ground with his last smile still bored on his face. Every time she awoke in the night, she was too anxious to fall back to sleep.

And the coldness in her behaviour towards her grandfather was an added weight on her shoulder. But she could not look at him with the same eyes, not until she would understand his decision.

Come morning, with a dizzy head, she applied balm on the bruises on her leg and slipped on the boots making sure not to tie them too hard. She had planned to pen down a letter for Duri's mother as he had asked her, then leave it with one of the soldiers from his village.

"Forgive me for addressing you first, but you are Young Master Soo-Yun, right?" A soft voice was heard from the tent's entrance.

The light from the morning sun engulfed the woman from behind and Soo-Ah had trouble distinguishing her face. When her eyes adjusted, she recognized her. It was the girl she had saved for such a steep price.

"You already dared to speak my name. What do you want?"

"I'm Cho, Young Master." she clumsily greeted Soo-Ah with respect. Then she simpered and ventured further inside the tent, leaning on the tent pole and looking at the woman in disguise sheepishly. "I never got to thank you for coming to my rescue."

"I didn't save you, Duri did." Soo-Ah decided to keep her mouth shut from protesting her boldness to enter uninvited. She went back to making ready for the day

"You mean the soldier who was sentenced to death. I could not go see the execution. May he find the spirits of his ancestors. But there is no point saying thank you to him now. However, to you, Young Master –"

"Me, what?" Soo-Ah snapped, rising from the bed after finishing with her boots.

"Just that you were so courageous when you came to fight those big soldiers. I mean no offence, but you don't look very strong… and even so, you were brave. This is the army but there are not many brave souls here."

"And with Duri gone, there is one less. But I think you are confused. I fought no one." Soo-Ah admitted coldly, tying the upper laced string on her blouse to better hide her shape.

"You did fight for me, Young Master and then you got punished. Was Duri your friend?" The girl continued, not taking any hints from Soo-Ah's cold tone.

"He was a distinguished comrade."

"Still, you look so upset that I was wondering if I could be of service to you?"

Soo-Ah furrowed her brows. "With what?"

"To forget about the whole ordeal for some moments." Cho took a couple more steps further, playing with the strings from her simple jeogori jacket and tilting her head flirtatiously.

"There is nothing you could offer, but thank you?" Soo-Ah looked puzzled, turning a sentence into a question, unsure about what the girl meant.

"I know I may not look like much," the girl admitted, resigned.

"Well, you should take care of who you get yourself involved with."

"I got no say in the matter. I am too inexperienced. My matron and big sisters order me around and tell me where to go. But I snuck out and came here just to see you." She approached even closer.

"Maybe you should not be here but out there." Soo-Ah tilted her head towards the world outside. "Find yourself a good man to take you away from here."

"I hope I found him," and without finishing her sentence, the girl launched at Soo-Ah to hug her, making them both fall on the cot in the process.

The girl tried to kiss her, but Soo-Ah desperately dodged her lips, so Cho ended up kissing Soo-Ah's neck and cheeks and kept on doing so relentlessly. Soo-Ah would have pushed the weird girl away, but her hands were being held hostage on the woman's bosom. When she finally set her hands free, she noted strange fingers travelling down towards her crotch. Soo-Ah pushed hard to shimmy from under Choi's young, feverish body. But Choi came after her, determined.

"Alright!" Soo-Ah almost shouted, lifting from the bed and keeping her hand extended to make sure the girl was kept under control where she was sitting. "Umm… if you want to do this, we need to take off our clothes, right?" Soo-Ah pretended to untie her shirt and waited for the kisaeng to do the same. When she was convinced, Choi was preoccupied with her dress, she dashed out of the tent and never looked back.

"Are you coming back?" She heard the girl's disappointed voice calling after her.

But Soo-Ah had no plans to go back to her tent anytime soon.

She hid in the stables and pretended to take care of the horses until close to noon. She had a hunch the girl would not dare to linger more as the general's tent was directly connected to hers.

Patting the horses, Soo-Ah remembered the soft touch of the girl's bosom and scuffed but she could not shake a thought. She pulled at her shirt and stared down at her bound breasts, trying to remember how they looked without the wrappings. In the end, she settled with a tinge of disappointment that Choi's were indeed ample. And they felt so soft, like round goose feather pillows. So inviting, so enticing, as they moulded under her fingers. And those perfectly rosy lips that felt like a warm spring breeze as they kissed her skin.

When Soo-Ah realised what she was thinking about she quickly shook off the overwhelming sensations, concluding she had been living in a boy's boots for far too long.