Solace (Jayda)

Lucius and I continued to ride in silence as we drove to the club. Lucius hadn't said a word to me; however, I could easily tell that something was bothering him. Every so often, he would dart his eyes in my general direction while driving. I turned up the radio to fill the void that was the silence inside the car. Lucius didn't say anything, but I could see he was clearly annoyed. It wasn't helping that I was fully aware of this fact, nor that I felt bad about it. However, I rather him have his feelings hurt than actually talk about it... as selfish as that sounds.

"We need to go get gas," he said. His voice was slightly deeper than his usual semi-high pitched tone. We were driving on the highway when suddenly Lucius drifted off onto the main road. He stopped at a red light and looked both ways before turning into the right lane. We turned to a gas station and parked beside a pump. Lucius turned off his car and continued to sit in the driver's seat. I didn't even look at him. I just continued to look forward. I could feel his eyes burning holes into my head as he began to stare me down. "What is it, Lucius?" I questioned. He didn't say anything at first. He let the question hang in the air as cars passed us by.

"Jayda," he started. I looked at him. He looked onward out the front window. I watched as he shifted his jaw and leaned back in his seat. He was trying to find a way to word his sentence without going too into detail. "Look," he started again, "I won't go too into detail about what I THINK is going on in there. You don't say what goes on in there, you're always trying to stay at my place, and you're always bull shiting about where all these bruises on you are coming from...." He paused. His eyes locked with mine. He wanted to help me. I could see it in his eyes. "Jayda," he started once more. This time he let out a sigh. I could tell I had awakened something in him. He now looked tired. His eyes were sunken. His skin was a paler color than it usually was. "All imma say is that..... we've known each other long enough. If you need anything, if you need to tell me anything, I am here for you. That's what true friends are for."

I looked away. "Dear God, why do you have to be so corny?" I mumbled. I didn't really mean it. I could feel the blush performing a race along my face. There has not been a lot of times when someone outside of an actual relationship where someone has cared for my well-being. Lucius continued to look at me. He let out a giggle and a grunt before looking away. I sighed. "Today is not supposed to be the day for things like this," I thought. I'm supposed to be partying away with my friends, making terrible life decisions, and losing my mind having fun. Instead, I'm having a heart to heart with Lucius about what goes on inside my apartment with the PRESENCE. I sighed once more. The whole subject was beyond draining. I didn't want to talk about IT today. I wanted to forget about it and down the burdens I had in a sea of exstacy. Still, Lucius deserved to know. However, today was not the day. "Lucius," I started, "look I don't know if I want to talk about it about it today. I just want to empty my mind of all the bullshit I have to deal with force. I just want to party. I just want to get drunk..... I just want to be ORDINARY."

I looked. He looked at me. We both looked at each other in the eyes. He let out a deep sigh and unbuckled his seatbelt. "Okay," he said, "I understand." I void of quietness filled the car. I looked down at my lap. I felt bad. However, the feeling was overcome with a sense of comfort. It was nice to have someone think about my well being. I made me happy. That was a feeling I haven't felt in a long time.

"Let me go pump this gas. We're already going to be late," Lucius said. "If you're late, take your time. You can't be late twice," I joked. Lucius let out a laugh. I could feel the mood brighten inside the car. "Get yo ass dumb ass out the car," I said. He rolled his eyes and opened the driver's side door. "Whatever," he muttered. He hopped out the car and slammed the door behind him. I looked onward out the front window and let out a sigh. I close my eyes and enjoy the silence before I was interrupted by the one and only. "You should take him up on his offer," he said. His raspy deep was there. I could feel his presence return. "It would definitely help with OUR psyche," he continued. I opened my eyes and looked up into the rear-view mirror. I could see him; especially, his beady red eyes. Karma had returned and was sitting arms and legs crossed in the back seat. I could feel my body release some weight as his presence comforted me. "You talk a lot for someone who hasn't been here," I started. I watched as his beady eyes seemed to roll as he shook his head.

"Dumbass," he started, "You of all people should know that I can't just LEAVE. I'm apart of you. I'm not going anywhere."

"Bullshit," I damn near yelled aloud, "Where were you when I needed you?" Silence. He didn't say a word. All he did was uncross his legs and lean forward. He let out a deep sigh. He sounded tired. I could feel it. "I am a figment of your unexpressed emotions. You created me subconsciously to express how you truly feel about certain situations. However...." He paused. I watched as his beady eyes looked down. "What?" I asked. He looked back into the rear-view mirror. "However, because you choose to ignore your problems and don't express how you truly feel, you lack the ability to project me in front of certain people." He paused for a second. I was confused. "What do you mean?" I asked. I watched as his eyes shrunk. I could feel him glaring at me from the back of my seat. "I think you know what I mean. You're losing you're nerrrrrvvee. You've become to much of a submissive being. You're becoming so submissive that I, you're dominant side, is fading away."

I sat in my seat shooked. "A submissive being," I thought. "Have I really gone that far down the rabbit hole? Have I really lost my nerve?" These thoughts swirled around inside my head. "No that can't be," I said, "Im fine. Nothing has changed about me, Karma. Im still me." When those words left my mouth, I could only feel the feeling as I had lied. Karma looked at the back at my head and grunted. "Look. You can do what ever the hell you want. You can go to this party and pretend that there is nothing wrong with you. You can go and get drunk, and pretend that you don't have a looming shadow hanging over you. YOU can get lost in that sea of exstacy and pretend like ALL your problems just faded away. However, listen to me and listen to me well lil lady. Eventually, all your problem will come crashing down upon you and if you don't handle it now.... you will PERISH." I stopped looking into the rear-view mirror, "B-bullshit" I stuttered, "Im not that far gone." A deep silence swelled the inside of the car again. After a while, I looked back up into the rear-view mirror. Karma was still there; however, he he seemed to fade in and out of reality.

A sense of panick and worry flooded my body. "Think about it," Karma started, "Nobody just has something like me existing in there thoughts, Jayda."

"He's right," I thought. However, I refuse to believe that I am, indeed, THAT fucked up. Before I could think about anything else, the door on the driver's side. I jumped. Lucius hopped into the car and slammed the door closed. He looked at me and I looked at him. "I think we should get going," he sighed. I looked out the front window. My eye wandered up to the rear-view and saw that all that was left of Karma were his crismon red eyes radiating in the dark. I looked back down out the window. "Yeah" was all I said.