LOO LOO LAND!

On the way to the famed theme park, I was trying to get a good read on the two owl demons. It felt a little quiet along the way, not mention a little awkward, so I thought I'd try starting a conversation with them. Clearing my throat, I got their attention and held out my hand for handshake. "So uh…hi. My name's Barry Townsend. I'm the new guy. And you are?"

"Charmed," said the tall owl as he accepted my handshake. He seemed cheerful and had a bit of an accent, British if I wasn't mistaken. His long fingers overlapped my hand as my eyes widened with surprise from how huge his was compared to mine. "I'm Lord Stolas, one of the princes of Hell and head of the Goetian family." He then broke the handshake and introduced his daughter who was not looking so lively. "And this is my dear daughter, Octavia. Say hello, dear."

She was looking away from us until he mentioned her name and gave a weak hello to me before looking me over. "Aren't you a little big to be an imp?" she asked me, her voice seemed to be soft and sounded like she was out of it but a little curious.

"Yeah, I'm a bit of a combo deal." I said in reply. Now it was Stolas who perked his head sideways in curiosity.

"Oh? And what combination would that be?" The imps on each side of me were looking a little worried about what I would say, but I went ahead and told him.

"My mother was a demon, and my father was an imp. It was a small short-lived thing for them, a one night stand if you will." I wasn't sure whether it was what I just said or how I said it, but everyone was giving me mixed looks; ranging from confused and worried to looking like 'eh?'.

Stolas, on the other hand, seemed more intrigued. "Really? How interesting! Are they anyone I would know?"

"Eh no, not really no." I said shaking my head. "Lower class, you wouldn't know them."

"What a pity."

And cue the sad violin music for this one boys and girls. "And what's more, they abandoned me. Had to fend for myself until Moxxie and Millie took me in and helped me become the well behaved hybrid that you see before you."

Moxxie looked confused having being brought into the conversation but Millie, she was more than happy to play along. "Yeah, poor guy had to be scrapping for food until we found him." She had me lean down to pat my head. "He's been such a good boy, right Moxxie?"

Moxxie wasn't sure what to say until I encouraged him by gesturing with my head as if to say 'Cmon. Help a guy out, man.' Moxxie's expression changed as he eventually went along with it. "Oh yes! Yes! A very good boy indeed."

I played innocent as I went to hug them both, Millie hugging back but Moxxie looking nervous. "Thanks 'Mom and Dad', for just being so awesome."

"Aww you're welcome, sweetie," said Millie to me being happy to oblige.

"I hate to break you three up from your little Hallmark greeting card moment, but we're here," said a narcissistic Blitz as we were nearing Loo Loo Land itself. From what I've learned from everyone, Loo Loo Land was an amusement park located in the Greed Ring of Hell. Kind of fitting now that I was going to know more about the damn park when I saw it before me. Apparently, Loo Loo Land was a bootleg spin-off of Lucifer Magne's Lu Lu World, with the name change made to avoid lawsuits.

The park seemed to be owned by a demon named Mammon who so far is only known by name and in writing, in having already signed a statement claiming he was not intending to rip Lucifer off. We soon pulled into the parking lot and all got out, with me and the crew wearing the ideal security guard attire (you know, secret service kind of shit) and made our way into the park.

The park itself seemed like a typical carnival, possibly the type with overpriced items and rigged games. It was somewhat shabby, as several things were either broken, cracked or just looked dishevelled and run down such as the apple statues. The attractions also seemed rather dangerous looking that even a big risk taker or daredevil wouldn't try out.

Blitz was out in front with Stolas walking alongside him; and I know that I mentioned earlier that that the demon was tall, but my god does he dwarfed Blitz (though I'm not sure how he compares to other demons in this world).

"Now remember, this is work and work only," I heard my boss say to the tall owl demon as trudged behind him with Octavia right next to me with team M and M right next to us. "Me and my crew are not here to satisfy your perverted needs, alright?"

"Hey...Dad,...do we have t-" started Octavia before she was interrupted by Blitz who at least was polite about it.

"Okay, now hold on there sweetie." He then turned back to Lord Stolas changing his tone as he continued. "If you try fucking my little ass in that park, I swear to-"

"You are so cute when you are serious," was the response Stolas had, which made me a little uncomfortable but I guess I wasn't the only one who felt that way; Blitz was feeling it too by the look of discomfort.

"I'm literally going to be sick," said Octavia in what I guess would be a typical response to such a thing.

"Oh crumbs! What do you need? Antacids, ibuprofen, morphine?" asked Moxxie who actually seemed prepared for such a thing. Heh, points to him for being prepared.

"That was figurative, old man," retorted the teen as she walked off with her arms folded.

"Oh, right." Moxxie gave a nervous chuckle as he tossed the morphine to the side which incidentally fell into a baby carriage with an actual imp baby. I acted fast and grabbed it before the little guy poked it, sighing in relief. "And she said it was literal," he mumbled.

"Wow! I haven't been to this place since I was a tot!" Millie said, looking happy to be here as we looked around a bit, seeing a letter fall from a nearby ride fall on a guy. "It hasn't changed a bit."

'You mean this was always so shitty looking?' is something I would say. But for the sake of being polite, I kept my mouth shut. I mean, after seeing something like this, I've seen county fairs with more dignity. "Oh! Look! It's Big Woobly!" She pointed to an animatronic that was a dinosaur with a gray body, short arms, and a crushed neck resembling somewhat like a T-Rex. Its head was severely malformed, as it was upside down with yellow eyes on the side of its head. 'Big Woobly' wore a pale red cap and a pale red t-shirt with what appeared to resemble Saturn on it. The jaw opened widely as Big Woobly let out a horrible shriek.

"That is...deeply upsetting," said Moxxie feeling disturbed just the same as I did. I mean, wouldn't you if you saw this nightmare of an attraction? If I recall there were already some animatronics back on Earth that were just as disturbing as Woobly.

"Oh come on! It's fun," said Millie to her husband. "Obviously Barry hasn't been here, but have you?"

"No, theme parks disturb me. Especially the mascots." Just when he said that, a voice spoke up from behind us. It made me jump with a start while Moxxie screamed with fright.

"Well hey there!" said a LooLoo land mascot that was an anthropomorphic apple mascot suit with a somewhat old timey cartoon style based on his eyes and clothing. His costume had a large yellow toothed smile with one tooth missing and the left eye often popped out of its socket. He wore red gloves, clown shoes and a top hat resembling a stem next to a leaf which gives him a simple look of a basic apple. At the top of the costume there was an oozing green slime mark.

"I'm LooLoo. Welcome to LooLoo Land!" he greeted us with a cheerful goofy voice. "If y'all get hurt here, just try to sue us." Funny, it's usually the other way around.

"Look dear! It's LooLoo!" Stolas said happily to his unenthusiastic daughter, gesturing to the poor excuse of a mascot.

"I have a question." Octavia asked.

"Well ask away, little girlie," the mascot hyucked as his eyeball fell out again.

"Is it true that this park is just a shameless spinoff of Lucifer's far more popular Lu Lu World?" She had a smartass look on her as if she knew the answer to that question.

"No?" Loo Loo replied hesitantly.

"This place reeks of insecure corporate shame."

"Oh ho-ho-ho! I think I like her!" I acknowledged with glee. If there was anything I could agree with anyone, it was distrust for anything corporate. Stolas, chuckling nervously, decided to have him and her check out some of the rides. As he took her arm, Octavia was still giving the mascot a possible death glare.

"That chick's creepy huh?" the mascot inquired in his normal voice.

"Yeah, wait till her dad tries to diddle your holes." said Blitz, starting to follow them afterwards.

"What's that mean?"

"I don't think you want to know, buddy," I assured him shaking my head. I don't think anybody wants to know and probably never will.

As the mascot was going to ask team M&M, Moxxie just shut him down with "Don't talk to me! I know you're a pervert under there," as he jabbed at him. Before scurrying away with them, I overheard the guy sadly admitting that he was.

As we stopped a little ways, Millie was still happy to be here. "You really like this place huh?" Moxxie asked his lovely wife.

"I love this place!" Millie confirmed. "My parents would bring me and my siblings here when they can swing it, money wise."

"Been there before," I interjected. "No offense to you loving this place, but I feel like this place could use an upgrade. Like they seem to be more focused on merchandising than fixing up the attractions." It felt to me like the Genessee County Fair was butch compared to this.

"Yeah. The prices do seem rather criminal," added Moxxie. The three of us noticed one of the workers wheeling in some park related merchandise in one of the nearby shops. Through the window we could see the novelty cups that were selling for about thirty bucks. "I mean, that much for a novelty cup that you use one time?"

"Cause it's LooLoo Land!" Millie was still optimistic and happy about being here that, well I couldn't really sour it for her. I mean no one wants to be that guy that spoils the fun for everyone right?

"Listen to your hoe, Mox," said Blitz who just came up to us, wearing a beer holder hat and sipping from one of the novelty cups he obviously purchased. "How about Barry and I take the first watch while you two have a little fun?" That was all that Millie needed to hear as she squealed with joy and grabbed Moxxie. She then took him to do her favorite ride called oddly enough 'The Lawsuit'. If only the parks on Earth were this subtle. "Sorry Barry, but I need the extra hand for today. And you're still in training so yeah, I need you here to help."

"Alright by me. I don't feel really trusting of these rides anyway, given the condition they're in. But what am I to do to kill any threats, use harsh language and my fists?"

"Here." He handed me the crow bar from the van of all things. The look of disbelief on my face was evidence enough.

"Seriously?" I asked with a frown of disappointment.

"Hey, you're lucky I even thought about having you carry a weapon at all today. It's either that or nothing."

"Fine. I'll just make do with this for now." I sighed as walked with him back to the two Goetians waiting for us. Stolas already had a balloon in hand looking like he was enjoying himself and his daughter, yeah not so much. As we carried on, Blitz was taking point with a sniper rifle, looking over various parts of the path we were walking while I stayed behind the two demons. I kept myself alert and aware at all times, swearing I saw a few questionable characters along the way but carried on with a wary eye.

"You know, it's thrilling to see you on the job Blitzy," the demon lord said, flirting with Blitz as he ran a finger along one of his horns.

"Save it bitch, I'm working," was the imp's only response.

"You both need to get a room," an annoyed Octavia responded. I admit I was getting annoyed by this sort of thing too. Especially with someone's kid being around.

"Hey, I am not a day hooker," scoffed Blitz. He got a look from a parent who just overheard him. "What? I just said I'm not one, prude," he said to her, flipping her off as she walked away.

"I don't know, Blitz. I feel like you might be keeping something secret from all of us," I said with a smirk. "I mean, how do we even know you really aren't hmm?"

"You are not entitled to know my story yet."

Trying to veer us into a different direction, Stolas drew Octavia's attention to something that happily caught his eye. "Oh look, Via!" He pointed her into the direction of a circus show with the star attraction apparently being a clown. "You use to cry such tears of joy at this show!"

"Oh no," was his daughter's reaction as she had a look of dread on her face. When I asked her what was so wrong about it, apparently she was scared as a kid when she first saw this show. I was surprised even so when I heard Blitz having the same response when they both said "I hate that fucking clown."

My response was quite different. "Heh, how bad can it be?"

"You don't understand. This clown was terrifying when I was a kid," stated Octavia, frowning at me.

"Oh come on. That was probably like, what, years ago?"

"You mean you never had anything mentally scar you for life?"

"Honestly no. I mean yeah, I've had some scary moments myself, but I got over it eventually. You can too."

"Oh Blitzy. I need my bodyguard please." Stolas politely interrupted us as a group of Imps try to kidnap him, one of them putting a bag over his head. Blitzo shot one of them and the rest soon scattered. With the danger avoided, we proceeded into the tent and found a spot on one of the benches almost near the stage with me on Octavia's right as she sat next to her dad. As Blitz took position somewhere, 'Via' took the sack off her dad's head.

The show soon started as the show's robotic clown, introduced as the Robotic Fizzarolli, took center stage. Robo Fizz delivered a brief speech about how Loo Loo Land is legally distinct from Lu Lu World, before breaking into song with a robotic band about the park. While the song was catchy, the band was certainly nothing to look at. They looked miserable compared to a certain famous group of animatronics of a certain pizza place (Chuck E. Cheese or Five Nights At Freddy's, take your pick). Whatever the case, Octavia and I were not happy. "Man. Pathetic isn't it?" I asked her with the side eye. Without even looking, she hummed in agreement. "Are you sure you were scared by this clown?"

"Was scared by that clown. Now I just hate it."

"I am right there with you." It made me think about how pathetic the 'Small World' ride at a certain mouse owned amusement park was now to me. "And don't even get me started on the animatronics there," I continued as I acknowledged the other animatronics on stage. "Those just look even more pathetic, like no one in charge gives a damn fuck about these machines. I mean, that's just sad. If there was anything I would sue this place for it would be for absolute crap, lack of repairs and lack of originality. Again, fucking pathetic. Though, I will admit that clown does seem a little creepy. Entertaining but creepy."

Octavia smirked a little and gave me a little nudge. "You sure he doesn't scare you?" she asked in teasing me.

"Hey, I said the guy was a bit creepy. That doesn't mean that I find him scary," I said defending my point. We listened a little more until the clown was finally done with his song. While we weren't entertained, her dad seemed to be as he applauded for the performance unaware that one of the small imps from before was about to stab him in the back with a large knife. Before I could act though, Blitz shot him clear through the skull from further back.

"Oh, what good aim you have Blitzy," said the owl demon, sending me the vibe that he was getting off from this sort thing. Okay, really? In front of your kid? What the hell was this guy thinking?

I felt a little uncomfortable about this sort of situation, and evidently Octavia wasn't having it either. "Ugh! I can't do do anymore!" she said frustrated as she took off, sliding past me. Calling out for her, the now concerned father was going after her.

Just when me and Blitz were about to follow them, the clown seemed to have noticed us and laughed. "Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Is that Blitzo my sensors spot up there? I guess the kiddies are still running away from you, huh?" His speech seemed more robotic and staticky.

"The 'O' is silent now," retorted Blitz not looking amused by the robo clown.

"Aww, just like your audience always was when you told your lazy jokes here."

"Bitch, I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap ass robo rip-off of an overrated sellout jester!"

"Oooh, someone's salty. Real or not though, people love me. Does anybody love you, 'Blitzo'?" The way he said the imp's name was rather creepy.

But even so, "Barry, could you please go after the client while I take care of this personal matter?"

"Eh sure. You don't really pay me at all to help you out with this sort of thing anyway." I said shrugging. I walked out of the tent and tried looking for Stolas and his daughter just as I heard gunfire going off behind me, assuming that it was Blitz firing at Fizzarolli. I made my way through the park trotting and searching for head or tail of the tall owl demon lord until I saw him twelve feet away from me. I mean, how do you miss a tall ass demon? It looked like he was searching frantically for his daughter until he saw me run up to him. "Oh it's just you Barry. Where's Blitzy? I thought he was to be body-guarding us, not just you."

"Well sorry, he's actually preoccupied with something personal at the moment so you got me instead. What we should be doing is finding your daughter before we lose her. Now come on!" We both looked around searching for her calling her by name until we caught sight of her making her way into the carnival funhouse telling us to leave her alone.

As we stepped inside the purple glowing funhouse looking for any sign of her, another one of the small imps from before jumped onto Stolas from behind. Unperturbed, the owl demon said while being annoyed "Um, I think I'm supposed to be body-guarded right now!"

Frowning, I took hold of my crowbar and took a reverse baseball swing at the small 'assassin' at the head sending him back at the entrance. After being a little dazed, the smaller imp shook it off and was about to make another attempt when he soon got a bullet to the head and dropped dead. We looked to see Millie who took the shot and Moxxie. "That's better," he added as he brushed himself off.

"Boy, am I glad to see you guys," I said relieved. "Everything all right with Blitz?"

"Yes, where is Blitzy? He's my knight in shining armor not you littler ones."

"Wow gee, thanks for the gratitude." I said sarcastically, and then saying out the corner of my mouth "Jag-off "

"He's uh...busy." Millie answered.

"Being a fool," added Moxxie as he handed her his prize he may have won her at one of the carnival games. It looked like a demonic version of a character from a certain popular mystery game (*cough cough* Among Us *cough cough*). Her eyes lit up with joy when he handed it to her and immediately swiped it from Moxxie and hugged it close to her with adornment and love.

"What kind of fool?" asked a suspicious Stolas, cocking his head to the side.

"The 'everything is now on fire' kind."

I had the feeling that Blitz was already in fisticuffs against Fizzarolli. But even so, I had to address the issue that really mattered. "What is important, is that you need to get back to your daughter." I said to him looking down at me, my tone sounding almost parental but irritated.

"What do you mean?" asked a confused Stolas.

"Have you taken your stupid pills this morning or something? Because first of all, how dare you belittle us while you fawn over the boss. I mean what are we, the help?"

"Well, you are hired to be bodyguards for me and my daughter."

"And that only leads to my second point. You have been more attentive to 'Blitzy' than your own fucking daughter."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh come on! I have been nothing more than a goddamn tag along and even I've noticed how miserable your daughter's been. Don't believe me? Then let me paint this scenario for you. Have you ever heard of the 'tricycle trio' scenario? You know, like when the friend is the third wheel when he or she tags along with a couple that they're friends with? Well imagine that sort of scenario but your daughter is that third wheel."

"Not sure exactly what you mean by that."

Exasperated, I scoffed as I gave it to him straight. "What I'm saying is that since we've got here, you've been flirting with my boss while neglecting your daughter this whole entire time. This whole thing was supposed to be what I assumed a father and daughter outing, not just an excuse to play hanky panky with some stupid imp!" I exclaimed as I scowled at him. Millie looked concerned after how I just went off at the demon lord and Moxxie looked discomforting after what I just said. Stolas, on the other hand, looked insulted and hurt.

"Excuse me! I do not neglect my daughter!"

"Oh re-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-ally?! Well then, let's just see how she is feeling about this whole thing shall we?! Millie. Moxxie. Would you kindly help Blitz with his little situation, please? I think I can be able to take it from here." My eyes didn't stray from eye contact with the tall owl demon.

"Uh you sure you don't want us help you out-" I stopped Moxxie as I spoke with one sharp gesture of the finger.

"I got this Moxxie. Trust me!" I said sincerely my eyes still focused on our large client. Uncertain, they both left hesitantly to help out our boss. "As for you, let's go find your daughter so you can see what I exactly I'm talking about! Now move it!" I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him along. We passed through some of the rooms until we saw her in the ride that was part of the funhouse, crying.

"Octavia," said Stolas, his voice softening as he saw how sad his only daughter was.

"Now does that scream happiness to you, sir?" I asked him. I then added with the following gestures pertaining to what I said to Stolas. "You. Her. Talk. Now!" I said this with emphasis, shoving him.

Getting my message, Stolas dropped the Loo Loo Land hat he's been wearing, and sat down next to his daughter, finally realizing that she wasn't having any fun. He then apologized for taking her, saying that he thought she loved it here. She answered him in saying that she didn't even want to come here, only when she was a child and didn't have parents who hated each other whilst her dad flirted with a 'weird red dickhead' the entire time. Stolas apologized for what he did as Octavia said she just wanted to go home, even though her home wasn't feeling like home anymore because he ruined it.

It was only when Stolas tried to explain why he cheated on his wife and he was struggling to find the words, I suddenly realized that there was perhaps a little more to the reason why he did what he did. Not saying that it was justified, but I had a feeling about why he made such a decision and thus I softened up a little bit.

"Are you going to run off with him?" asked Octavia, her tone was soft and heartbreaking. "And leave me behind, go away where...I can't find you?" If there was anything that would break me, it was a woman on the verge of crying. And I never ever want to see a girl cry!

"What? No! No. No, not ever. I'd never do that," her dad answered as pulled her into an embrace. "Never." I could see a little cheerful smile from his little owlet. "I think it's time to leave this place. You were right, you are too old for it anyway." He picked up his daughter and carried her towards the exit. He then stopped at doorway and looked over at me. "Mr. Townsend, would you be so kind to escort us please?"

"I'd be happy to, sir." I said with a smile and a nod. I walked alongside and the three of us headed out together. Just as we got close to the exit, we heard the click of a switchblade and I turned to see yet another one of the small assassin imps about to strike at us. Just as I was about to go to work on this little gremlin, Stolas's eyes glowed red as he turned the little imp into stone. Paused with shock, I slowly began to question what just happened. "Uh, sir...how long have you been able to do that?"

"All my life. Why?"

"Then why the hell didn't you do that before?!" I asked in disbelief. "I mean you could have done that this entire time, and you never thought about doing it?!"

"I could have, yes. But then you wouldn't have been paid today, now would you?" He had a bit of a wise ass smirk as he asked me that.

"Oh yeah very funny." I said annoyed and irritated. Whatever man, I just wanted to get home and not be part of any stupid game. I rolled my eyes as we continued out of the park.

The whole park was nearly engulfed in green flames as we walked past Blitz's ongoing fight with Robo Fizz and the other robots to the parking lot, and it seemed like he and the others had it handled. We soon went out the park entrance as Stolas looked over to his little girl. "So, what would you like to do now?" he asked her.

"Oh, could we go to Stylish Occult?" Via asked hopefully. "They sell weird taxidermy there."

"Hmmm okay?" He seemed unsure about it but was willing to give it a go.

She chuckled as she thanked him happily. "Thanks, Dad. You're okay sometimes."

"Thank you, Via. Thank you." I smiled as I watched them having a family moment.

"Aww, I do love a family moment." I said smiling. Just then, an explosion went off behind us, followed by three incoming screams. Landing hard next to us with a thud were my three fellow employees.

"Way to ruin another good thing, sir!" said a disoriented Moxxie.

"Worth it!" said a satisfied but beaten up Blitz. "That slutty toy clown had it coming!" He collapsed and I sighed as I shook my head. It was going to be a looooooong drive home.