Part 19

"Wait, you had a daughter?!" Alex asked in complete shock. Beat me to it by a second. She smiled, and for a brief second, I could see the love that she had for her.

"I did. I had to send her away, though. It wasn't safe with me. I managed to keep an eye on her though. Keeping her out of major trouble, while still allowing her to know the lessons that only mistakes can teach." Both Alex and I saw her in a new light. We had no idea of the incredible sacrifice that she had to make for the safety of someone that she didn't really get to know. It told us that she was capable and willing, to put her own desires for life aside in order to protect someone else. As this settled in me, I felt a deep shame growing. I had been assuming that she hated me, and saw the worst in me, but maybe she was just trying to keep me from the worst parts of myself. I had caused her to risk herself being caught, and all this time I had refused to say thank you.

Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself at her side, with my hand on her arm, saying, "I'm sorry that you had to send her away. I can only imagine how pretty she must be, seeing that you are her mother." At that, she gave a small chuckle, but she didn't look up from the crib, the one that supposedly held her daughter for a time. I slowly withdrew my hand from her arm and looked down. "I'm also sorry for being a total bitch half the time." At that, she gave a small laugh and looked at me.

"You haven't been the easiest to handle."

"So everybody tells me." At that, her face become a serious one, and she looked at me. She placed her hand on my shoulder, and I couldn't look at her any longer. She tilted my head up with her other hand, but I refused to look her in the eye. I couldn't bear the shame of looking at her, after everything that had happened.

After what felt like forever she finally said, "Marie, you cannot take what everyone says to heart. They do not know what you are truly capable of. But they resent you for what you have not been able to hide."

"Many people often tell me that they like talking to me because it's like I can picture their situation, in their shoes, and know when to give advice, and when to just shut up and be a shoulder for them. But they tell me that as a person, I'm weird, awkward." At this point, I looked over to where Alex stood and saw him turn his head and rub his arm in shame, just before rubbing the back of his neck. He stopped mid-rub when I said, "They tell me that I shoot too high, and to lower my expectations." He looked up completely shocked. I had heard him say that several times over the years. When he first said it to me, he said it in Slovak. I had asked him what language it was, at which he was kind enough to tell me the truth. Over the last three years, I had been teaching myself Slovak so that when prompted, I could surprise him and let him know that he couldn't tell me what I could and couldn't do in Slovak without my understanding. I wanted him to know that I was capable of more than he ever thought possible, and the look on his face told me that I had achieved exactly that.

"I... I'm so sorry. I never meant for you to know what I was saying.."

"Did you really take me for an idiot? I've been the outcast my entire life. I've learned that whatever they don't say to your face is something bad, backstabbing, and will leave you with no will to live. So I've had to grow a thicker skin. I've had to learn to let all of the insults and annoying quips and even the things that people think about me go. I've had to learn to let it not bother me, and to find a way to get all of my stuff done, and to be completely unforgettable because nobody wants a priss for a friend!" I was absolutely yelling at this point. I wanted him to understand. I wanted him to feel my pain, to feel my anger, to feel my hurt. As I was looking at him, I started to cry. I had been holding back tears for five to seven years at this point, and I could not hold them back any longer. I started to bend over, and put my hand over my eyes. As my entire body started to shake with my sobs, I felt Alex come to me and wrap me into a hug. If I wasn't a complete mess, I would've punched him. But instead, I let him hold me, and slowly, we sat down, him still holding me against his chest.

"Let it all out," he said, surprisingly softly. "Just let it all out." I then proceeded to scream at everyone who had said anything relatively mean towards me. I left Alex out because I had revealed that I knew what he was saying. But everyone else, I chewed out to no one in particular. Once I had mentioned to everyone that I had made a mental note of, I screamed until my throat was raw. I screamed and I cried, and I hashed out everyone that I hated. Once my throat was raw, I gave one last, long, emotion-filled scream, and began to breathe really shakily. I could dimly hear Alex saying, "...sleep now. Hey, it's okay. Just go to sleep. Just go to sleep. Everything will be better in the morning."

"I can't go to sleep. Not now. I had a staring contest with the Teacher. I don't want to see her dreams, no offense." I addressed that last part to the woman who had turned to face us.

"None taken. But don't worry: you're exhausted, and you've had a hell of a morning. Your brain will be more interested in getting some good sleep, and less interested in trying to get inside my mind. We'll wake you when we've got lunch hot and ready to eat." Lunch did sound good, and the idea that it could come sooner by sleeping sounded pretty attractive at this point. I made my way over to the bed and got myself comfortable. Just as I was about to close my eyes, I heard someone walking over. I lifted my eyes to see Alex standing over me, whispering gently.

I quietly chuckled, and looked at him, asking "You do know that I understood what you said, right?"

He gave a chuckle of his own, bent down, and whispered, "I do. But she doesn't. That's how it can remain between the two of us."

"Alex!! I told you not to bother her!"

"Sorry! Well, I've got to go. Get some good shut-eye."

I laughed, turned around to face the other side of the bed, and closed my eyes for a good, well-needed nap.