Part 21

Alex walked up the stairs with me and when we got to the end of the staircase he held out his hand. At this, I took a small step back and gave him an uncomfortable look. I was not comfortable with physical contact of any kind. And if Alex thought that I was going to hold his hand, he was dead wrong. I would never hold his or anyone else's. Ever.

As I continued to look at Alex, his facial expression soften. He gave a small smile and titled his head a little bit. It made him look kind of innocent for a second. "It's just for a second. I promise that I won't do anything." He held his hand a little higher, which caused me to shy away. His face morphed into a confused frown, and he dropped his hand. "Is everything ok?"

"Everything's fine. I just don't like physical contact. If it's necessary, that's fine. But if it's completely unnecessary, I don't like it."

"Who determines if it's necessary or not?"

"I do. Who else will?"

"That's a fair point." Alex turned to look back at the inside of the bark and slowly turned back around. As he did this he said, "Well, if you're gonna determine this situation unnecessary, then I suppose we can wait a half hour or so until she gets back. Come on. Let's go back." He started to walk down the stairs. I stayed at the top. I wasn't sure why, but part of me felt relaxed. Like I could spend all day with him, and not bat an eye. I hated myself right now, but I couldn't do anything except try and ignore this feeling and prevent it from growing.

After I stood there for about 10 or so minutes, I started to turn around. I could hear something, but I wasn't sure about what it was. I saw Alex at the bottom of the stairs, and it looked like he was trying to say something. "Hmm?" I asked.

"I asked if you're ok. You've been standing there for some time."

The fact that he knew this caused me to blush. I turned my head away, pulled my sweatshirt around me, and started to walk down the stairs, saying, "I was just thinking."

"Really? About what?"

"The last several days. Just trying to take everything in. I still can't fully process how much things have changed."

"You wanna talk about it?"

I gave him a shocked look, mixed with disgust. I had perfected that look years ago. It made people so uncomfortable, and I could see Alex look down, and then look away. It was the look that I gave people when I found myself in a less than desirable situation. It was my first reaction: to distance myself. It was the easiest way to protect myself. If I let anyone in, they could use whatever I tell them against me. I've never met anyone who's proven me wrong, so I don't find any reason to school my response toward his question. And yet, strangely I find myself wanting to talk to him about everything that's happened in the last... two? three days? How long has it been since the teacher kidnapped me? Wait, she kidnapped me! I've never thought about that. Maybe I do need to sit down and talk...

I slowly look up and look at Alex, who has moved back to his original position on the couch. Without really thinking about it, I find myself walking down the stairs. My steps feel heavy like every step is being questioned, but I don't fight it. Instead, I let myself walk down the stairs until I'm at the last step. That's when I start to question what I'm about to do. Do I really want him to know what's been going on? Do I really trust him?

As I ask myself that, I find myself looking at him. My thoughts flashback to when I was struggling in the pool. If he didn't like me, he could've ignored me. But then again, it's his job as a lifeguard to rescue any person in distress at any pool he's at. I decide that I can trust him with some stuff, but not all of it. Most of my life is for me to know; I'm not obligated to share it with anyone.

Slowly, I take that final step off the staircase and start shuffling towards him. When I get to him, I stand there uncertainly. I've never done this before, and have no idea how to proceed. As I'm trying to figure out what to do, I see Alex looking at me. I try to hold his gaze, but I break before enough time passes for me to be in his dreams. I hear him give a small chuckle, and then I see him move out of the corner of my eye. When I look at him again, he's moved from the center of the couch to the other side and is patting the empty seat. "Sit" is all he says. But it's not a command; it's more like an invitation. "Let me guide this. I can tell that you're not sure what to do." He's right, I think. But I'm not gonna tell him that. So I take my seat and stare at my hands. After a couple of minutes, I hear him say, "It'll actually be easier if you look at me." The thing is, I don't want to. I've seen enough of him for the morning, and I just want to do something until I can get out of here and eat.

Even though I don't want to look at him, I still find myself tilting my head towards him. "Well..." I start, but I don't get any further as I hear a crash outside the tree. I whip my head around, but I don't see anything out of the ordinary. My hands fly to the couch to find something to grip, but I can't get a good enough grip on anything. Everything is so soft and silky, and as a result, I feel myself starting to panic. My breath becomes shallower, and my heart begins to race. My vision starts to blur, but before the tears start falling, I feel Alex's strong arms wrap around me. I begin to struggle, as I don't want him to see me like this. I never wanted anyone to see me like this. But he gathers my arms in his hand, and with his other one, he guides my head towards his chest.

I'm about to protest when I hear him say, "The whole time I've known you, I've never seen you break or even show a hairline fracture in your composure. Let it out now. I promise I won't tell anyone." And at that moment, I know that he's telling the truth. So I close my eyes and let myself sob against his chest. At one point, he loosens his grip on my hands, and I wrap my arms around him. After a few seconds, I feel him do the same. And slowly, I let myself feel for the first time in years.