Dear Diary,

Date: February 1st, 2023

London and I took Matthew and Mikayla to the zoo today. Mikayla really likes the elephants. Matthew doesn't have a favorite. Well, that's what he claims. He wouldn't move away from the zebras.

I remember London telling me how proud they were of me. Then, the conversation went serious as the kids played in the zoo playground. They said how it's been 3 years. I should forgive myself.

I've always taken London's advice. This was not going to be one of those times. I remember kissing their cheek and shaking my head. They sighed, but understood. I smiled sadly and promised I'd get better. They smiled and reminded me that promises like that don't usually work out.

I mean, they were right. I can't promise I'll get better when I know I won't. I can't possibly know. Everyone told me that I could never ever forgive myself for what I did to Estral. I doubt Estral would ever forgive me.

I guess this diary was supposed to help me when, in reality, it's just making me feel even worse. London is trying to get me to forget and to keep writing. I trust them, with my entire life, so I decided to keep writing in this small book.

So, I felt like Estral was watching me the other day. I was outside, watching the kids play catch with London. When a small, white butterfly landed on my hand. I looked at London, who smiled. Then, Mikayla and Matthew walked up to us and gasped. Mikayla pointed at the butterfly and told me, "It's Estral telling you to forgive yourself." And I remember the smile that came across my face.

That was when I finally forgave myself.