Dear Diary,

February 7th, 2023

I wanted to talk to Whitney today. Mostly about what Mikayla said.

Once I told her, she smiled to herself. I remember asking what she was smiling about. She responded that it was just sweet what our daughter said. "How did that make you feel?"

I didn't know how to respond to her question. It made me feel...

"Odd. Like, if Estral would hear it, he would've laughed and said something like, 'I'm right here, silly!' or anything like that."

Whitney's smile was contagious, and that's why I smiled after I said that. She wrote something down in her notebook. She looked back up at me and sighed, asking, "Did you finally forgive yourself?"

I paused before I nodded my head. "Yeah, I, uh, think I did. I think I finally realized that Estral wouldn't want me to blame myself simply because he cared about me that much."

She stopped writing and looked up at me. She crossed her right leg over her left. "Did Estral ever say he cared about you?"

The way she asked it wasn't meant to be rude. Her tone softened and she leaned forward. I could tell that this wasn't a routined question. It was a question she wanted to know for herself.

I took a deep breath. "He didn't need to. It was the way he acted when Janelle or Derek said some of their mean words." I paused and continued. "He had this language where he would say how he felt by how he acted around you. Like, around me, he'd act super comfortable and calm. Around London or Hailey or Jacob, he would act very happy and hyper. He would always sing karaoke with Hailey."

Whitney smiled and wrote in her notebook. "What song?"

I took a deep breath. I was trying to think about what it was called. "Um, Truth Hurts, I think." I explained.

Whitney nodded her head. "By Lizzo?"

"Yeah," I said. "And with Jacob, he'd always play basketball with him. Even if it were cold."

She smiled softly at my descriptions. "And with London?"

I smiled at the thought of my partner. Then, I smiled wider at the thought of Estral. "He was kind of like, God, what's the word?"

Whitney's lips pursed and she slowly nodded her head. "I understand. Maybe obvious?"

I smiled wider, if that were even possible. "Yeah, he would always be like, 'Oh, London? How about you and Richie go and find a movie for us to watch tonight?' and," I paused again. "He would always try and give London and I some free time."

She sighed. "Estral sounds like a good friend. What did you enjoy most about his presence?"

That was a question I had to think about. I liked him being my best friend, I liked him knowing what to say...

"I liked what he tried to do to get London and I together." I answered. She nodded her head and wrote in her notebook.

Then, after writing for a while, she looked up at me. "What did he do exactly?"