Chapter six: evaluation

Monday (8 26)

I looked at myself blankly in the mirror. I couldn't mess this up. This was my ticket out of here. This was my only chance. I needed this. I stepped out of the bathroom and nurse Harrison was waiting for me. He had a clip board and big mug of coffee.

"Alright. I need to brief you on a few things." We sat down and he put his hand on my shoulder.

"As you know you're being evaluated to leave blue bay. During this evaluation you'll be given free reign over the campus. With that being said, you will run into other patients. Be respectful to them."

"What can I do on campus?"

"We have a common room and a garden. You have access to both places. In the common room there's bored games and a few TVs. The garden is a quiet space. No o e really goes there except Bernie."

"Will I really be allowed to go home after this?"

"Yes."

I took a deep breath and we both made our way out of my wing. We went to the main building where Dr. Perez and mom were talking.

"Hey honey."

"I see you're finally walking the campus now that you're leaving." Dr. Perez chuckled.

"I don't wanna be in the room all day."

"Sounds fair. Your mom and I have things to discuss privately so we should be going."

"Okay. Bye I love you." I have mom a quick hug before they departed.

It was an odd feeling to be here and not stuck in my room. There was sense of freedom. Liberation almost. We made our way past the main desk and down an old musty hall. It smelled of old people and sterilization. There was a big open room at the end of it. The walls were a very dull off white and the couches and chairs were a dingy beige. There were mostly elderly people hanging about. The tv played softly in the back ground while everyone did their own thing. One man sat at the chess table staring at the pieces another read a book. There were several things laying cards a bit rambunctiously.

"You know the deal gimme you're candies!" The winner said in a old slow voice.

"Where's the garden?" I asked looking back at Harrison.

"Follow me." He lead me to a side door in the common area.

There was a big fountain in the middle of a big hedge circle. There were benches and tables spread about the area. There were neatly trimmed flower bushes of all varieties planted here and there. It looked like it belonged in a magazine advertising mansions. At the edge of the property, there was a big strong oak with a single bench facing the horizon. An old man sat alone staring off into the distances.

"I forgot to get something I'll be right back!" Harrison said as he rushed inside. I was left alone in the warm sun.

I cautiously approached the old man and took a seat. A gentle breeze blew by rustling the leaves on the tree next to us. A surreal peacefulness enveloped us as we watched the sky line. Birds flew by and chirped as the sun slowly made its way across the sky. The early morning dew that still lingered and wet the bottoms of my pants.

"Um, hi." I mumbled trying to keep the serenity.

"It's a fine day isn't it?" His voice was as old as time and calming as space.

"It is." He sighed. A small smile crept across his lips. Maybe I wasn't disturbing him after all.

"What brings you here today are you visiting someone?"

"No." I couldn't hide the embarrassment and sadness from my voice.

"Why is someone as young as you doing in a place like this?" I paused and let the question steep in my mind. I knew only what they told me. But what was the initial reasoning for me being here?

"I'm not really sure myself anymore."

"Do you want to be here?"

"No. Not really."

"Why don't you leave then?"

"I can't."

"Can't?" He slowly looked at me with earnest. "Or won't?" I was taken back by the question. Of course I couldn't leave! None of us could unless we were properly discharged. I looked at him and he had a pleased look on his face. Like he was the one to answer a really hard question correctly.

"Because as far as I can tell nothing is preventing you from doing so right now. You could get up and walk away right now."

"Someone would stop me."

"And how do you know this have you tried?"

"Why are you asking me these questions?"

"It's funny how the human mind works don't you think?" He looked at me and smiled. How was I supposed to answer?

"We limit ourselves to endless possibilities. We say and think that we can't do something so we don't try to do it. But how do you know if you cant truly do something unless you try? We limit ourselves on things we have been told and taught. If a person were told they could fly from the day they were born they would believe they could fly until proven other wise. The same principle applies to this. You believe you can't leave because that's what you've been taught."

"But-"

"You fear the consequences of the what if they catch me. You let yourself be limited by your fear. If you want anything in life then you must risk everything you have."

We sat in silence letting the words linger in the space between us. They had some truth to them but part of me just wondered if he was a mad man.

"When I was your age." His voice broke the silence in the most gentlest of ways.

"I couldn't afford to be afraid. I had duties to uphold. Peoples lives were at stake. I went against orders to save others and I did things that should have gotten me killed. Fear is such a pointless mindset and we have been cursed with it. For if man didn't have fear then even the gods would be trembling at our feet. Once you lose that burden you become unstoppable uncontrollable. Fear is thrown into the equation only to humble and control us."

"Why are you telling me this? I don't even know you."

"Because you should have nothing to fear in life. You are a capable young man who only sets himself back."

"How do you know that?"

"Obviously I struck a cord with what I said so it must be true. There are things in life that will shake us to the core and prevent us from doing what we want in life. You can either let it control you or you can learn from it and be stronger." He chuckled and placed his hand on mine. His skin was soft but wrinkled. Age and time hadn't been to kind to him.

We sat on the bench as the day grew cold. He hadn't said anything else to me but his company was nice. The sky melted from its light sky blue to deep shades of orange pink and yellow as the sun began to tuck away into the horizon for the night. But we remained motionless in time watching the sun set. The birds that once flew by nested as the bats began to claim the sky. The cool air grew colder and the wind blew softer. I hadn't noticed nurse Harrison standing by the bench until he placed his hand on my shoulder.

"It's time to go to your room."

"Okay. It was nice talking to you." I gave the old man a hug and I was escorted back to my box.

Tuesday (8 27)

I reluctantly sat up as my door creaked open. I wanted to stay in my warm cozy bed but, a new day had begun. One step closer to my freedom. One step closer to home.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yes." I yawned and stretched as forced myself out of bed.

"That's good. Bernie was asking about you."

"The old man I spoke to yesterday?"

"Yea. He wanted to know if you would be out. Poor guy hardly gets any visits and no one ever talks to him expect the nurses of course."

"How come no one visits him?"

"Not sure."

"Get ready and I'll take you to see him."

I hurriedly got ready and ate my breakfast. He was sitting in the same spot as yesterday. But he looked more lively than before.

"Good morning!" He grinned as I sat down.

"Come to listen to more of an old mans ramblings?"

"Yes."

"Good! Cause I have a story for you!"

"Let's hear it!"

"There I was standing knee deep in the marshes. I only had one more round of ammo left. My buddy was carrying another solider and I was the only one who had free hands. Just when we thought we were in the clear, they came out of nowhere and ambushed us! So there I was trying to preserve ammo and defend my brothers. I had two enemies left when I ran out of ammo."

"What did you do?" I was completely enthralled with his story I hadn't noticed nurse Harrison had left. .

"I took the bastards rifle and shot them with it. We got to the rendezvous and all three of us came out with our lives."

"What was the first thing you did when you got back?"

"We went to the pub and that's where I met my lovely wife. But that story is for a different time."

"Oh come on tell me!"

"Alright if you insist. Well, I had just got back from a mission. It was a cool December day. The snow was falling and my buddy and I went into the pub to warm up. We were a few beers in when she walked in. She looked like a snow angel that had blessed the earth with her presence. Snow dappled her thick fur coat. And her blonde hair was curled into perfect curls and she wore bright red lipstick. She was stunning. All the men wanted her. But I needed her." He paused and took a sip of water.

"She dropped off her coat at the door and went straight to work. I watched as she danced around the bar like a snow flake taking everyone's orders. She finally came up to my buddy and I. And in her deep southern accent she asks 'what can I get for you two handsome soldiers'? My buddy could tell I was instantly smitten. So he left us alone. I told her I wanted to get to know her. After first she refused. Said she didn't mess with us solider boys. Too much of a risk. But I asked her what's life without a few risks. So she took my order. And then I left. But I kept coming back and asking for the darling with the red lipstick. Eventually she gave in. She walks up to me and lets out a frustrated huff and says 'you know you've been a real pain'! And I said yes ma'am I'm aware but I don't think I can go home another day without you. And she finally tells me her name."

"Well?"

"Well what?" He asked.

"What was her name?"

"Betty. Betty Murdock."

I sat listening to him reminisce about Betty and his old platoon. I enjoyed listening to him talk and talk about anything and everything. And soon just like yesterday, the day melted away into pinks and oranges.