chapter 1: Life Will Kill You

Date: 05-27-1998

Location: Outside of Bungalow Coffee Co, Las Vegas, NV

Dating couple Jeff Stewart and Jessica Baron were making their way to Las Vegas to do what lovebirds do, tie the knot. With Jeff filming and playfully annoying Jessica, the two were having the time of their lives. But as they clowned around at the rest stop, their day of fun came to a sudden and splitting halt when they heard screaming. The screaming was coming from behind a semi truck that had just pulled to a halt. The two rushed over to the scene and discovered something that would haunt them for the rest of their lives.

A man torn in two, clinging to life. He had been run over and cut in half by the 18-wheeler semi-truck. Luckily, the poor man was still alive, albeit a little half off.

Frank Soriani had been under his Ford repairing a broken muffler. As he came out from underneath his truck, half of his body was on the street. The 18-wheeler sped down the road with Soriani right in the blind spot. The truck cut right down the waistline of Frank. A medical team was dispatched and arrives within minutes.

With Frank still kicking, more or less, paramedics transport one half into the ambulance but have to leave the other due to a lack of room. The other half of Soriani was picked up, but in a twist of fate, each half was sent to a different hospital. Doctors spent several hours trying to save Soriani's life, but he finally expired. An incredible three and a half hours after the accident occurred.

Way To Die #208: Semi-cide

 On September 10th, 1945, Lloyd Olson chopped off the head of a chicken for that night's dinner. To his surprise, the chicken remained alive for 18 more months. Lloyd had cut off the head, but much of the brainstem remained intact. Mike, the headless chicken was fed grain and water through an eye dropper.

Date: 07-07-2003

Location: Site for City Center, Moore, OK

Meet Milos Dudak, a Czech immigrant who felt like a very lucky man. Brand new to this country with a wife and baby to support, his construction job was his lifeline. Today, he was instructed to get in a large pit and dig deeper. He complied and got right to work. Milos was a model employee, if there ever was one.

Tim McNamara, on the other hand, was a model for disaster. More often than not, he would be nursing a major hangover. Today, he took the wheel of his dump truck flat-out drunk. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. As Tim backed up his truck filled with 3 tons of sand, Milos had no idea the crushing blow fate was about to deal him.

Within seconds, Milos disappeared under 3 tons of sand. His co-workers rushed to his rescue and quickly uncovered his head, allowing him to breathe. They thought they had saved him. They thought wrong.

Unable to take a breath, Milos was dying of something called crush asphyxia, a medical term to describe the constriction of the lungs by compressing the torso. With the sand surrounding his body, he could not expand his ribcage to take proper breaths. With each exhale, the sand would move in, crushing Milos more.

Maybe if the men had dug faster or maybe if Tim had been more considerate, then maybe Milos would still be here. Who's going to call his wife?

Way To Die #422: Constriction Accident

Date: 08-12-2000

Location: The Badlands, Deadwood, SD

What do you get when you mix a couple of good ol' boys, too many beers, and a small arsenal of that good old Second Amendment? The perfect American dream. The two drunkards stumbling out of a beaten up truck are brothers, Bobby Joe and Darryl. The two set up targets in the field in front of them and began to light them suckers up. Apart from the brain crippling hangover they were facing, no one gets hurt, and they get a days worth of laughs.

After capping the glasses of some bottles and jars, Bobby Joe brings other targets to replace. While switching the targets out, Darryl decides to scare the hell out of his little brother by firing his gun at him. After a few misses and a cuss, Bobby Joe falls to the ground and dies.

Death by a gunshot wound?

Not quite. A death like this strikes before you can even notice. As Bobby Joe fell, he had the absolute nerve to fall right on top of a rattlesnake. She wasn't happy about it. The snake bit Bobby Joe in the chest and released enough venom to double over 5 of him. Unfortunately for Bobby Joe, she bit right above his heart.

Rattlesnake venom can cause major damage throughout the body. Destroying tissue and organs, and also disrupts blood clotting. Severe envenomation combined with delayed or ineffective treatment can lead to loss of a limb and, ultimately, death.

As Bobby Joe lies dead, Darryl decides to crack another cold one open. In honor of his fallen comrade, who was...snaked out. This bud's for you.

Way To Die #92: Fang Banged

 Technically, rattlesnakes are not poisonous. They are venomous. Delivering their toxin directly into the bloodstream. A poison is ingested. You could actually drink a vial of rattlesnake venom and feel no ill effects so long as you have open mouth wounds.

Date: 9-21-1998

Location: Outside of Club Expo, Brooklyn, NY

Two women walk out of a bar, the perfect setup for a punchline. This punchline might leave some shocked and others electrified.

The girl in red is Lori Pathouson. After a string of bad relationships, Lori is ready to swear off men altogether. She's decided to satisfy a bisexual curiosity that has consumed her since junior high. If it wasn't for the 4-inch stilettos that had been pinching her feet since the evening began, tonight might have been a first for Lori. Instead, it would be her last.

The two women laugh as Lori takes her heels off. Walking barefoot on the city streets is already a hoot and a holler for death. Lori walks right over a used needle, close. A broken glass bottle, maybe? Nah, she walked right around that mess. How about tetanus from a rusted nail? No, the damn thing bent as she stepped on it, leaving no scratch or cut. All of these ways to die from stupidity.

But death might have a different idea.

Before crossing the street, Lori steps into a shallow puddle next to a traffic pole. She doesn't see the exposed wires at the bottom of the pole. She doesn't know that they were feeding 30,000 volts of raw current into the water.

Lori is about to learn a scientific truth the hard way. Wet skin has 10 times the conductivity of dry. By placing her hand on the metal pole, Lori becomes a human circuit. It is not the voltage that kills but the current. And Lori is current-ly getting fried, but not in a good way. The electricity travels throughout her body, causing severe burns, muscle contraction, heart arrhythmia, and finally what killed her: cardiac arrest.

She falls on the ground as people walk around her, believing she is just drunk.

Poor Lori, struck out on the first date? Tough luck, kid.

Way To Die #832: Lesbocution

Date: 10-21-2008

Location: Mark's Maison, Paris, France

A team of paramedics in hazmat suits carry a body bag out of an apartment.

Meet Mark Vogal, or what's left of him. As paramedics carry his decomposed body out of his suburban Paris home, it's important not to feel pity for his lost soul. This death should be filed under "What in God's name was he thinking?".

Mr. Vogal was a classic recluse, preferring the creepy and the crawly over his fellow man. He made a meager living dealing snakes, lizards, and insects on a shady black market for exotic pets. These creatures were his constant companions. Several were deadly and not to be taken lightly.

But it was his fascination for the smallest of his friends that led to his ultimate demise. Mark so loved his black widow spider he gave it a name, Elvira. And he longed to get closer to his tiny femme fatale. Snake handlers are often bitten so many times that they built up an immunity. Mark thought he could do the same thing, so one fateful day, he lowered his arm into Elvira's home and took her best shot.

Within an hour of being bit, Mark began experiencing all the symptoms associated with a black widow bite, starting with severe stomach pains, sweating, and severe vomiting. His body was now in a free fall of failing health. Any logical person would rush straight to the ER.

Mark foolishly chose to ride out his condition. His reward: a fatal heart attack. In his delirium, he released his gruesome menagerie of pets.

It would be two weeks before his rotting stench brought the French police to his door. In a stroke of irony, Mark ensured the survival of his pets while engineering his own death.

The snakes, bugs, and lizards were kept alive by feeding on their master's lifeless flesh.

As soon as he subjected himself to the black widow's deadly toxin, like the hourglass imprinted on its underbelly, Mark's time began running out, with death the only outcome.

Way To Die #125: Love Bugged

 5,000 Americans are treated annually for spider bites. On average, 2 people die each year from the bite of a black widow. The world's most dangerous creature: The mosquito. Responsible for 2 million deaths per year worldwide.

Date: 12-21-2009

Location: Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, Los Angeles, CA

Hector Madeira is here to repair an industrial-sized clothes dryer at one of the largest hospitals in the Los Angeles area. Following safety procedures, Hector had his partner, Brent, kill the breaker before climbing inside the giant dryer. What he didn't realize was that Brent accidentally cut off the power to the wrong machine. The unit Hector was now inside was still hot. While working, the dryer's cycle begins. The door closed tight with the hatch sealing the deal. Hector was trapped. He knew he had only a few seconds before the dryer would start its cycle. He pounds on the door and yells, hoping and praying for his soul to be saved.

*Beep*

The cycle begins as the dryer moves from right under Hector's feet, knocking him down. Spinning wildly and hitting temperatures well over 200 degrees, poor Hector was being shaked and baked to death. Six long and agonizing minutes later, Brent finally returned, but it was too late. Hector had died from hyperthermia and multiple skull and neck fractures.

An unusual fate, but not unheard of. Each year, as many as 20 other perish in a similar manner. Oftentimes, teenagers looking for a thrill ride, but finding themselves trapped in a machine set on 'tumble die'.

Way To Die #640: Tumble Die

Death, we avoid it at all costs. We defy it, and we deny it. But it's as much a part of our lives as life itself. Whether we're working our 9 to 5 or having a night out at the club. Every beginning has an end, just like you, just like this chapter.