Chapter 29: The Last Stand
We had alot of fun writing this book, and we hope you had fun reading this book.Yes I know I said that it would end next month BUT school, one of our authors having COVID, and just all around life we have to make it THE LAST CHAPTER OF 1000 WAYS TO DIEEEEEE.
Date: March 28, 1993
Location: Montreal, Canada
Marcel is a sculptor who is obsessed with his work and even neglects his wife, Natalie, in the process. One day, Marcel decides to carve a lover out of marble and Natalie leaves him after he keeps neglecting her. After finishing the statue, he carves out a crude vagina and begins to have sex with it, but passes out from exhaustion. After awakening, Marcel is suffering from priapism (When an erect penis doesn't go flaccid) and can't remove his penis from inside of the statue. Marcel tried to scream for help but no one comes to him. After an hour, he finally manages to remove his penis from the crude vagina and falls to the floor. Free at last. Just as he is celebrating, the statue topples off the table and falls on top of Marcel, crushing his ribs and causing asphyxiation.
Way To Die #822: Sculp-dead
Date: January 6, 2017
Location: Chrystal Lake. IL
Sergeant Stu is a former drill sergeant turned swimming instructor for a women's swimming class. One of Stu's methods of torture was to double the temperature on the pool's heater, making the water incredibly hot. After his class complains, Stu challenges them to an endurance race, where if the women win, the class would be dismissed. Stu starts off at an early lead, but soon after, the women win after 20 laps. The women did not notice it, but Stu was floating dead in the water due to hyperthermia caused by his wetsuit trapping the pool's heat, leading to heart failure, sending the drill sergeant turned foolish swimming instructor to the hell he deserved.
Way To Die #143: Final Heat
Date: November 22, 1982
Location: New Mexico Sate Penitentiary
Spider is a prison inmate at the New Mexico State Penitentiary, where he is feared by many for his intimidating personality. Due to the tension between prison inmates, the prison guards were sent in to calm things down, but a riot broke out between the inmates and guards. In the meantime, Spider waits in his cell for the riot to calm down to make his move. Spider takes a guard hostage with a shiv to his neck when several other guards come on the scene wearing riot gear. Spider orders the guards to move or else he will kill the hostage. One guard launches a can of tear gas, which hits Spider directly in his trachea, shutting down his airway and killing him instantly, sending him to the hell he deserved.
Way To Die #181: Riot Whacked
Date: November 5, 2003
Location: Fort Lauderdale, FL
Ned was a man who was obsessed with Christmas decorations, despite ironically hating Christmas. Ned would put up a ton of Christmas decorations in November, to annoy his neighbors.
Man: "It's not even December yet, man."
Ned: *Throws Xmas ball* "Oh, screw you! There's a corner call somebody who cares. Get outta here."
Ned's wife also became annoyed and threatened to leave Ned if he didn't remove everything, and Ned refuses to do so. Ned then buys a window rattling sound system to continue his annoyance. After activating the speaker, the loud noise startles Ned, causing him to fall from the roof, but is saved by the speaker cord, which tangles around his foot. Nobody can hear Ned's cries for help due to the loud music. Ned's head is also repeatedly swung into the stone wall of his home, hemorrhaging an artery in his wicked brain. He fell into a coma, and soon after died, sending him to the hell he deserved.
Way To Die #225: XMas turbator or Wreck The Halls
Date: August 23, 2001
Location: Carmel, Indiana
Lindsey is hired by the Mesa family to housesit for them while they head out on vacation. Lindsey is ordered by Mr. Mesa to have no guests over, but she doesn't follow their orders as she invites Mike, her boyfriend, over after they leave their house. The two of them begin making out when they hear the family's pet cockatoo muttering phrases. The Mesa's had forgotten to tell Lindsey about the bird. Freaked out, Mike leaves in anger. Lindsey attempts to offer the bird a cracker in order to make it be quiet, but instead, it flies out of the cage. She chases the bird around the house, and finally catches up to it on top of the roof. Lindsey is about to catch the bird, but it flies off and startles her, causing her to fall of the roof and crash onto a glass table on the patio below. The glass cuts and slices her carotid artery, causing her to die from blood loss. At the end of the segment, the bird, which is a cockatoo, returns to its own birdcage.
"Lindsey lied to get into people's houses. But after she lost the home-owner's cockatoo, Fate stepped in...and flipped her bird."
"(Bird Squawks) You're dead!"
Way To Die #571: Polly Wanna Crack Your Spine?
Date: May 26, 2008
Location: Long Beach, CA
Jessica was one of the 25 million people in the U.S who sleepwalk. She suffers from sleep-eating, constantly eating raw vegetables and salads in her sleep. Jessica eats a salad a night before. Then on the next night in her nightly walk, Jessica begins craving chocolate in her sleep. Due to her only stocking raw vegetables and salads, she sleepwalks out of her boat to find some chocolate. However, Jessica accidentally sleepwalks to the edge of the dock and plunges into the water. Although Jessica lived on a boat, she didn't know how to swim. Even if she did know how, she couldn't, because she's sleepwalking. Jessica drowns underwater before she was able to wake up.
"Jessica was a sleepwalker, a sleep eater, and a sleep drowner. Too bad she didn't live in the desert."
Way To Die #393: Grim Sleeper
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Date: March 13, 2011
Location: Sharon Levy Memorial Hospital, Los Angeles, CA
Most of Sharon Levy Memorial Hospital's patients were dying of different causes ranging from germs, toxins, injury, illness, catastrophe, calamity, and their own stupidity. Like a drunk driver having a steering wheel in his intestines (#10), a pervert dying from a broken soda bottle lodged up his butt (#856), a drunk man who sliced his own leg off by his table saw (#356), a guy that lit up a match when there was a gas leak (#45), another who have a hard white stick on his neck (#887), and a woman who fell of a ladder while holding a knife (#712).
1000 Ways To Die has a lot of fun mocking all the dumbasses who manage to die...in the most idiotic of circumstances. But ideally, that's not how we wanna go, is it?"
There was one patient, however, that stood out from the rest; he is dying peacefully from old age. He is at the end of a long and healthy life, having been faithful to his friends and family.
His daughter, who was oblivious to the other patients, was the only person to see him go, and while she's sad to see him pass on, she's glad to know that he's going to a much better place.
In the end, the choice is yours. You can be a total moron, die a victim of your own stupidity, and wind up on in our book, or live a long and sensible life, and go home to read it. All this time, 1000 Ways To Die has been an instructional manual... for how to live.
Way To Die #1000: The Last Stand
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