Chapter 34: Die-scream

Death is easy but living is the hard part. Let's say that to the girl who took a fall, the alcoholic who goes on a roll, a husband who can't get off, how about the Wife from hell, or the cheater with crushing news, we got the hot shot who got shot, and finally two idiots get balled. life is good but not for these loosers, on the next episode of 1000 Ways To Dieeee.

Date: May 10, 2018

Location: Kaisertown, NY

A woman named Leann goes to an acupuncturist to cure her addiction to texting due to headaches and other problems. While lying on her back during the treatment, Leann's cell phone begins to receive multiple texts. She tries to reach for it, but ends up falling to the floor face-down. She would have survived... if it wasn't for a acupuncture needle that was on Leann's chest which stabs her in the heart, killing her instantly. "If Leann would have responded to her last message, it might have went something like this: OMG (Oh My God)... G2G (Got 2 Go)... IOH (I'm Outta Here)."

Way To Die #662: Phone Boned

Date: August 5, 2005

Location: Kingman, AZ

Around the world, one in 25 deaths are cause by alcohol consumption. If you wanna know how or why, Norton is a good place to start. Of the 70 million alcoholics in the US, half are just like Norton, functioning and able to hold out steady jobs. Being a privately contracted steamroller operator meant Norton was his own boss, and the boss encouraged drinking on the job. He was yelling stuff like "Look out, coming through!", "Flat, Flat, Flat!", and "Makin' the world flat!" He already put the crusher to a couple of six-packs, and now nature is calling and proceeds to the port-a-potty.

Instead of giving a head, he should have used his. Norton had forgot to set the hydraulic brake. With the toilet standing at the bottom of the slight hill, it didn't take long for the 44,000 pound roller to gain some speed and roll right over poor Norton, crushing his body in the process before squeezing all his organs out his mouth like a tube of toothpaste, and in the end, he ends up joining the two six-packs he had crushed earlier.

""Norton worked hard, and drank even harder. Combining the two left him feeling... a little flat!"

Way To Die #521: Toilet Rolled

Date: October 7, 1997

Location: Clarkdale, AZ

Nigel was an abusive, misogynistic pig of a husband who was trying to stop Naomi, his soon-to-be ex-wife from leaving him by climbing into the cargo bay of his wife's plane (which he was easily able to do, as airport security prior to the September 11, 2001 attacks was not as tight) while his wife threw away her wedding ring before boarding. Nigel was unaware at first but when the door was sealed, so was his fate. The atmospheric temperature drops as the plane rises. His skin was also freezing as he screamed for help when nobody came to his aid and the plane was at the cruising height, and by -50 degrees Fahrenheit, he eventually dies of hypothermia and asphyxia, sending the "cold-hearted bastard" to Hell and bringing his abuse literally to a dead stop.

"Nigel died as he lived: A cold-hearted bastard."

Way To Die #559: Mile Die Club

Date: June 16, 2009

Location: Tempa, FL

Ronald was a slave to his wife for ten years, a shrewish woman named Marcie, and she was, to be delicate, the evil, ball-busting harpy-witch of the century. Their relationship wasn't husband and wife anymore, but more like prisoner and guard. She wants her husband Ronald to mow their lawn rather than work on his car. After she doesn't allow him to work on his car but allows him to mow the lawn, an annoying and arrogant Marcie nags until Ron mows the lawn wrong, and she tells him that she wants him to go to the store and get for her some super-absorbent tampons. As a miracle of the the god of annoyed spouses, after getting fed up of Ronald's shoddy workmanship of mowing the lawn, Marcie shows him the right way of mowing the lawn. Little does she know that she was heading towards the cord of Ronald's arc welder. After running the mower over the cord, Marcie gets electrocuted to death, as she falls on the lawn and the hell that she deserved. Ronald, delighted that he is now free of her henpecking and hellish antics, gloats at his now-deceased wife and he was amused that "There is a God."

"Ron's life was hell. His wife was hell as well. She told him to mow, and away he did go. But now, his wife is no mo'."

Way To Die #140: Bitch Zapped

Date: March 1, 1999

Location: Silver City, NM

Toby was a junkyard owner who got his rocks off playing high-stakes poker with a group of heavies. Always having the upper hand in every game, he makes sure that the odds are always in his favor. Eventually, on this day, one of the heavies caught Toby pulling an ace of diamonds out of his sleeve; proof that he had been cheating every time they played.

"Sorry guys, got to run!"

Toby flips the table and makes a run for it, hightailing it to his junkyard, and ducks into a wrecked minivan.

"Get this guy, Matt!"

He slipped the heavies, but that was the least of his worries. The giant claw jammed the door against his leg, pinning him to the seat of the van.

Nobody could hear his feeble cries for help over the roar of the noisy machinery. If Toby knew where the wrecked van was about to wind up, he'd be screaming even louder. He went from the frying pan into the fryer...make that the juice into the juicer. The van is placed into a car crusher. He later gets fatally crushed with blood gushing out of the rear fender of the van.

Way To Die #311: Van-dicated

Date: April 28, 2020

Location: Glendale, CA

Armenian immigrant, Joe Syracki owns an army-navy store, which is in the brink of facing foreclosure. But with the recent economic crash Mr. Syracki is in for a bigger surprise. After a banker comes in with a counter-foreclosure form, he orders Mr. Syracki to sign it. He does sign and after doing so, throws the banker's pen aside, trying to prevent the banker from completing the deal. After demanding a new pen so he can countersign, the banker spots what looks like a pen, but is actually a pen gun. Mr. Syracki says that it's not a good pen, but the banker demands him to give him the pen and Joe does so. As he is about to sign, the banker snarks that it is a moment that he is going to enjoy. However, after trying to write with it, the banker discovers the hard way it's not a regular pen. The banker accidentally clicks the pen, inadvertently aiming it at his forehead and shoots himself dead. Mr. Syracki silently gloats. Foreclosure's a bitch, but when you have to sign the bottom line...make sure it's ink, not blood.

Way To Die #168: Written offed

Date: May 1, 2002

Location: Los Angeles, CA

Terry and Cedric stole a globe riding/zorb ball and play around in it, but are killed after rolling down a mountain at 45 mph (72 km/h), repeatedly hitting their skulls and breaking many of their bones on each other by the time the ball was stopped by a branch. "Their party ball popped, and what was left inside looked like an outtake from Humpty Dumpty. Multiple fractures, broken skulls, and severe brain injuries meant one thing-- all the kings medics would never put these two morons together again."

Way To Die #817: Ballin Pain